I have the sudden urge for power...
I have the idea that when i grow up (assuming if i ever grow up) I want some part of the world to see me as a higher figure. I found in my journal an entry dated from late november of last year. And in this journal entry it says, "Alex, if he says what he says he is...could be a major world power someday...and I could use that to my advantage...ride the coattails to power..." Then i mention how crooked that is, using someone for their power. I always pictured myself a silent voice behind a political machine...and aristocracy...something worth my while...
Maybe this is the Napoleon in me speaking...or just the voice of common sense

It's official...I truly am pathetic

On the Disney Channel right now is a movie called "Cadet Kelly" where the misunderstood girl is sent to military school...and I'm watching it...
Yes, because of my obsession with the military...I want this obsession to go away! I feel like I'm under this pathetic sappy spell...I think the spell hit me when I hooked up with Alex...through his fluids, he transferred me this horrible disease...damn his fluids!
Well...the movie is back on...and i want to know if she makes the drill team
Be glad you aren't me

So when i was going to PA, my family and I passed the Andre Rieu tour buses (they were decorated with pictures of instruments and such). I KNEW i had heard about him before...but i couldn't remember where. So while at the library (Colby Blake's mom gave me the first copy of the library's Harry Potter DVD...so today I might just sit in my room and watch that plus have a mini Jimmy Stewert marathon...i also got rear window and Mr. Smith goes to washington) I was looking at the CDs and there it was...Andre Rieu in concert! I looked on the back...and I figured out who he was...okay, ever watch those concerts on PBS with the orchestra of practically all women playing in beautiful gowns and that long haired freak playing the solo violinist, dancing around the stage...so incredibly ostentatious you want to die....THAT'S ANDRE RIEU!
That made me happy...
but not as happy as finding out today that my 20/20 vision in my left eye is gone...and will get worse...until I'm blind no doubt. =(
I never noticed how many BMWs there are in CT...and so many SUVs...the CamCam was getting nervous. She's been used to seeing crap cars...the only BMW she has seen was Colin Harte's and his was shit...but all these beautiful cars around her...I think she misses the dusty lot of Keene
Because i know I do...

So I'm home...
The only good thing about tonight was going to Barnes and Noble with Matt, Tom, Kevin, and Jen and buying books. I had a forty dollar gift card so I bought three books...they are: The New Guilded Age: The New Yorker looks at the Culture of Affluence, Demonology by Rick Moody, and The Mammoth Book of True War Stories. With all the books I have gotten as Christmas presents that I never read plus these (especially the true war stories...mmm good summer reading) I should have a summer of sitting in the crisp Maine air, reading about War and Culture. hooray for me!
Well...eye doctor tomorrow...so I'm going to sleep. All my shit is still around my room and it looks awful. I miss Bardland...
Home isn't so bad. Good food, good friends, good reading...big bed...makin money...I guess i can't complain..
But I'm going to anyway...

Last full day in Bardland..Our room looks disgusting still...but with no pretty pictures on the walls...I'm listening to goldfinger, trying to make everything okay. I'm still in denial...freshman year is done...I am now a sophomore 1 (Bard separates years into 1 and 2...i was just a freshman 2) Soon, it'll be moderation...research papers on Defense policies, rereading the scarlet letter with Liz Frank, my nose in a constitutional law book in the library listening to Britten's War Requiem...am I ready to take on the challenge I have laid down for myself? I dont know, but I am ready for soemthing new...I am ready to find myself something to believe in...whatever that means.
Next year, every class I am taking is about America. American politics, American policy, American literature...has the high nationalism of post 9/11 gone to my head? Not really...Yeah I had the bloodlust...and the weird feeling that I would have to do something rash and stupid for my country if it came to it (I dont know what would be rash and stupid, running for senate maybe...though a Bardian senator, not likely)
My allergies are kicking the crap out of me...I feel awful. I have saved the last perscription Allegra for the ride home tomorrow...so i can drive down the taconic with the windows open screaming the lyrics to "Luck be a lady"
It's so good to be me sometimes...though only sometimes

Tuesday night in Bardland...
Fucking hockey bastards are yelling shit in the TV. Goddamnit, they don't even live in my fucking dorm and they get the TV and I don't get to watch real world? I have been Real world-less for almost a month now and I'm about to beat myself. I know, the show is stupid, but I need the human drama I can only get from a reality show with such a calibur as the Real World. I would suffice with getting some real human drama for myself but that's difficult...that means going to West Point or something rediculous like that...and I really hate going to West Point..duty, honor, country and such. =(
I'm listening to the City of Angels soundtrack to soothe my jangled nerves. The movie fucking blew but the soundtrack isn't half bad.
I'm very tired of reading Rawls. He is interesting but his words lack a certain energy that would actually make him interesting. Thank the Lord Political philosophy is over and I'm done with everything except Dave's damn papers...and he's going to hate these papers too. Hopefully my government classes will be more forgiving. James Chace seems like a nice guy...I hope my research papers on Military involvement in Soviet Nuclear Technology will melt his heart. He's a cute old man...I would love to get on his good side...I've got one Pulitzer Prize winner who loves me...let's see if i can get the former foreign editor of the New York Times to love me too.
I know, i know...that sounds kind of pathetic...but I didn't ask Liz Frank to love me...I just went to her office with The Education of Henry Adams and told her i wanted to write a paper on it. She lit up like a fucking xmas tree and now she insists on being my advisor. So, I will let her advise.
This summer hopefully i will relax and build up my vocabulary for reading. I'm going to look in Barnes and Noble for some good political reads...maybe about the Florida voting procedure...that seems interesting. The Bush Dislexicon was great reading...of course, i read it post September 11th when everyone loved old Georgy Boy...but now he's back making an idiot of himself. Not even the death of innocent civilians will save you now buddy boy. I have a picture saved on my computer of George W's face when Andy Card whispered in his ear about 9/11...he looks like a deer in headlights...it's a very amusing picture...if anyone wants to see it, i'll send it to you.
Well, here I am sans Real World. I wonder what's going on in the apartment in Chi-Town tonight? Kara's trying to have sex, Kyle and Kerri are mad at each other, Theo is doing something, Chris is bartending and being the straightest gay man ever, Aneesa is being that sassy lesbian walking around naked, and Tonya is pissing blood again...
Now, don't you wish you were watching!
I gotta go clean...we have guests coming and the room looks like one of the bowling alleys, I mean bathrooms in our dorm.

Last night I had a dream I hated the state of Louisiana...I think i had that dream because Nathalie was drugged out on adderall.