so it's true...
men really are scum

There has been nothing but work for a while now...everyone keeps asking me what I want to do when I grow up...why, the mystery...
I have started to tell them "defense" because it sounds good...defense, military intelligence...without joining that sordid game of the uniforms and boot camp...
Yes, I get looks from the response but then i justify it, "Maybe take it down from the inside" and i tap my nose gently on its side and they laugh..."Everybody has a good laugh"
Maybe I will be a mistress of world power...Alex says no but when did I ever care what Alex says about me? Or maybe, the better question is, "When will I stop caring about what Alex says to me?" and start caring about what I think...It's time I start taking orders from myself and not some cornfed Muncie soldier

John and I found the hills of Bedford quite beautiful, even in the fog. He's a good boy...

I'm thinking about direction in my life. I don't really have any. I just float...

I hate this feeling of being lost. Maybe i should stop complaining and tell you what I did today you pathetic freaks that actually want to know what's goin on inside my head. I watched a parade...saw tony danza sing about 9/11 on TV (scary) and lay on the beach with a few guys talking about things...i dont know what the things were about...

I haven't written anything since I've been back...just stared at the TV with a fudgesicle watching documentaries...all day long. I think I want to be Jackie O. without Frank Sinatra and my husband being shot. I want to be married into a cursed family with promise...a name I can tack on to Emily and feel superior...just wait till I go down in US history...America, especially right now...could use a fine moral woman to step and create wonderful power in its midst.

Dreams Emily...just dreams...when you're thirty, you'll be the mistress of world power in some town in Indiana...married to a man who drives a pick up truck.


"we're going to need a bigger boat"

I have the sudden urge for power...
I have the idea that when i grow up (assuming if i ever grow up) I want some part of the world to see me as a higher figure. I found in my journal an entry dated from late november of last year. And in this journal entry it says, "Alex, if he says what he says he is...could be a major world power someday...and I could use that to my advantage...ride the coattails to power..." Then i mention how crooked that is, using someone for their power. I always pictured myself a silent voice behind a political machine...and aristocracy...something worth my while...
Maybe this is the Napoleon in me speaking...or just the voice of common sense

It's official...I truly am pathetic

On the Disney Channel right now is a movie called "Cadet Kelly" where the misunderstood girl is sent to military school...and I'm watching it...
Yes, because of my obsession with the military...I want this obsession to go away! I feel like I'm under this pathetic sappy spell...I think the spell hit me when I hooked up with Alex...through his fluids, he transferred me this horrible disease...damn his fluids!
Well...the movie is back on...and i want to know if she makes the drill team
Be glad you aren't me

So when i was going to PA, my family and I passed the Andre Rieu tour buses (they were decorated with pictures of instruments and such). I KNEW i had heard about him before...but i couldn't remember where. So while at the library (Colby Blake's mom gave me the first copy of the library's Harry Potter DVD...so today I might just sit in my room and watch that plus have a mini Jimmy Stewert marathon...i also got rear window and Mr. Smith goes to washington) I was looking at the CDs and there it was...Andre Rieu in concert! I looked on the back...and I figured out who he was...okay, ever watch those concerts on PBS with the orchestra of practically all women playing in beautiful gowns and that long haired freak playing the solo violinist, dancing around the stage...so incredibly ostentatious you want to die....THAT'S ANDRE RIEU!
That made me happy...
but not as happy as finding out today that my 20/20 vision in my left eye is gone...and will get worse...until I'm blind no doubt. =(
I never noticed how many BMWs there are in CT...and so many SUVs...the CamCam was getting nervous. She's been used to seeing crap cars...the only BMW she has seen was Colin Harte's and his was shit...but all these beautiful cars around her...I think she misses the dusty lot of Keene
Because i know I do...

So I'm home...
The only good thing about tonight was going to Barnes and Noble with Matt, Tom, Kevin, and Jen and buying books. I had a forty dollar gift card so I bought three books...they are: The New Guilded Age: The New Yorker looks at the Culture of Affluence, Demonology by Rick Moody, and The Mammoth Book of True War Stories. With all the books I have gotten as Christmas presents that I never read plus these (especially the true war stories...mmm good summer reading) I should have a summer of sitting in the crisp Maine air, reading about War and Culture. hooray for me!
Well...eye doctor tomorrow...so I'm going to sleep. All my shit is still around my room and it looks awful. I miss Bardland...
Home isn't so bad. Good food, good friends, good reading...big bed...makin money...I guess i can't complain..
But I'm going to anyway...

Last full day in Bardland..Our room looks disgusting still...but with no pretty pictures on the walls...I'm listening to goldfinger, trying to make everything okay. I'm still in denial...freshman year is done...I am now a sophomore 1 (Bard separates years into 1 and 2...i was just a freshman 2) Soon, it'll be moderation...research papers on Defense policies, rereading the scarlet letter with Liz Frank, my nose in a constitutional law book in the library listening to Britten's War Requiem...am I ready to take on the challenge I have laid down for myself? I dont know, but I am ready for soemthing new...I am ready to find myself something to believe in...whatever that means.
Next year, every class I am taking is about America. American politics, American policy, American literature...has the high nationalism of post 9/11 gone to my head? Not really...Yeah I had the bloodlust...and the weird feeling that I would have to do something rash and stupid for my country if it came to it (I dont know what would be rash and stupid, running for senate maybe...though a Bardian senator, not likely)
My allergies are kicking the crap out of me...I feel awful. I have saved the last perscription Allegra for the ride home tomorrow...so i can drive down the taconic with the windows open screaming the lyrics to "Luck be a lady"
It's so good to be me sometimes...though only sometimes