So I was looking through my tapes and I found this tape...my old camp talking tape...and i listen to it and there's Pete Schiller, with a high voice and without the British accent, talking about Monty Python and missing me...this is just crazy! Well, i put it on the computer so if you want to take a listen, give a holler...it's quite...shall we say, HILLARIOUS! I almost wet myself with laughter.

My tape collection is really a collection of my childhood...it's quite amusing the time i spent on these...i just found a tape full of commercials. How odd!

Question of the day: Can Emily win with just plain class? Of course you're asking yourself, "What class?"
I read people's blogs and they are just so packed with exciting vocab, their lives are actually worth reading...they have struggle...they have peril...they have adventure...
I have pharmacy work and Peter Alfred Schiller. That is no basis for an exciting human epic!
Maybe Alex (if he's ever right) is right about one thing: I am too colloquial...I am too lowbrow. My stories aren't filled with large dialogue, human struggle, a human existence to try and get somewhere in life.
But try as a I might, I will still try...I shouldn't be jealous of others fancy and easy ability to write words on the page. I have that ability too, except it is in a more high school sort of way...and when was that ever bad? Here's a few lines from my new play:

A: Oh our lives never meshed until summer and a summer when we were little were just fantasies. It’s this entire giant fantastic blur. The only thing I can remember about my childhood was the guff I got from my peers. But summer…that was the time when all my silliness paid off and I was rewarded with some semblance of bliss and sexual gratification.

Oh why bitch anymore? I just need the kick of school to begin and everything will be fine...yes, optomism Emily, tis a powerful thing....

Goddamnit!

I was writing all these great crap about myself and then it decides to erase..

Fuck it, I'm going to work...

I worked for eight hours...damn pharmacy!

I dreamt about Philly all night...and when i woke up, my neck was strangely all fucked up...I have been popping pills all day. From Motrin, Advil, Tylenol...
I have started to write again, thank the Lord! It's called L'Avenir de Trois or in English, "The Future of Three." It's about three people that remember their childhood.

There isn't really much to say...I have lost my witty and urbane touch on reality...hopefully a jump start to school will help that out.
sadness...

So i got a letter from Pete today...and it's the most depressing and beautiful thing i have ever read...
It's so sad...I dont know what to say or anything...I want to write about him because he truly is a wonderful person but...i can't.
I'm inhibited by these strange feelings of emptiness...I can tell that he's in a lot of pain when he was writing this...and it puts this severe emotional strain on me too. God, what do I do now? I'm in this relationship where I'm trapped and in love at the same time?
"He's safe" yes...blah blah blah that's what they tell me. But that's bullshit...you should feel the way you want...
The letter also feels depressed because...he seems mad that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship like I do. What am I to do now? Be sexually inactive while my junior in high school boyfriend, when he feels like it...writes me occasionally?
Oh Sauter, you're between a rock and hard place now....

"I feel like i left part of me at camp or with you, and you're filling that hole...Strange, I guess it means 'I love you'"

God this stupid Eminem song is so addicting...i cant stop listening!

Today I saw my Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was good...just what i needed.
I need to be creative because I'm not being creative...I just have all this leftover hostility from nothing.
Today was my last day of a whole day of freedom before spending all my days at the pharmacy making loads of cashola! 300 bucks will soon be mine soon!

Enough of writing...I'm moody!

Today was "family wash cars" day at the sauter house...the sauter women washed their cars...

Song of the Day: "Gun Song" from Assassins...what a good song! It was a theme today...August 24th is GUN DAY! So happy gun day...

This weekend was the weekend of the worst places in the world...I never thought I would see both those places in one weekend...
Friday I went to the gyno...and my doctor has the same name...Dr. Sauter...it's very scary to have her put metal stuff in my "you know"
What an awful place....on God's green Earth, why would you want to do that? Even for all that money???

And then I went to West point for the first time in 10 months...having a guy in BDU's calling me ma'am...telling me to check my emissions sticker because it's been out of date for seven months...with their M-16s...

Speaking of 16, that's how many guns Alex has...sixteen guns...
Seeing Alex again was strange...not the best day of my life...but i think it was good that we said everything we needed to. I got all my johnny bitching over with...God I hate Johnny so much...I'd love to push him out of a window, save the world from a fucking psychopath...

Alex told me he got a letter from Johnny in Cali. "Dear Alex, Don't be mad about January...but you shouldn't date nerdy chicks..."
He ruined it for the rest of them...all men interested in me, I'm not going to be interesting in them because of you, you asshole...you psychologically ruined my life...
and I hate you so much...so much that I would love to...

Calm down Emily...
Another day without a letter from blissful Pete...I miss him a lot and wish he would write me but alas...no letter...I hope he's not pulling a Johnny Garrison on me too...that would be BAD...

Wow, I didn't know I was in such a shitty mood...oh well...I think i need a break from the military...or I need to punch a wall...
"In the USA...you can make your way, to the head of the line...BANG...to the head of the line"