I have known I was a moron for a while...but this recent action should be like, in some HALL OF MORONS!

I signed up for the West Point joint seminar AGAIN! What did i tell myself, that the military was not a place for Emily's ideals...What did we learn from Alex Raggio? A whole lot...that men think they own the world once you give them a fucking gun.

But i have a reason to go (this time it's not to scope out the uniforms) it's to research my book...to ask around...to find out what west point cadets think of America...and maybe, just maybe...I can find America in some poor soul...and not just a group of JohnnyGarrisons from Muncie, Indiana...this time it's for research, not to find a "real man"

Still, I am a moron...a big huge moron...stamp a moron sticker on my forehead, because I fucking deserve it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

This weekend...shit...was an interesting experience of emotional breakdown, of trying to be a good friend...and trying to understand why humans are the way they are.

I always thought of myself as some sort of model girl...do no wrong, Lord I know that's not true...but the thing is that I don't understand how people can act the norms of society. Lord knows I wish i could be normal...but that's never going to happen and I thank God. But I learned a valuable lesson...that I am lucky. Bard is a really a place to think...I am glad I go to a school filled with a very rational group of people (Bard people may scoff at this but let me tell you something, go meet the assholes that my camp friend Chelsea lives with...then you might realize that no matter how much sex and drugs bard kids get into, they're still a hell of a lot more mature than the assholes that go to so called "regular college")
Poor Chelsea, her roommate is so evil, she must be Johnny Garrison's cousin or something. I have come to realize that beyond my control, people are so evil. And you, some girl...one person, you want to change the course of human events and actually change people themselves. But the sad part is, because you are just one person, you never will...individuality is not that powerful...
But as my mind was buzzing driving at 2 AM from hartford last night...i realized that I wish i could do something...I could be a person that strives to help! But Emily Sauter, trying to do anything like that is just a stupid notion...it would never work.
I would like to crusade to get rid of evil people. That would be a good job. But I am not superman...
I am just some girl who wants to find America...

Welcome to my world, welcome to my world....welcome to my world of toys!!!

There's something soothing about Copland...i can't put my finger on it, but he just sounds "American" to me. Goodness knows I should be writing this for my American journal...because I'm "That Girl Finding America" or some bad title like that.
Today I learned that my 17 year old sister has had sex with six people. I am almost 20 and I have had sex, if I dont count that lovable Indiana experience, drum roll please...ONCE! One person, one time...The day was a blissfully warm June 8th, 2001...the time was 8:45 PM and the place was an all white master bedroom of Mr. Greco, my best friend's british boyfriend at the time's father's room....His name was Peter Sainz...he was the best and most caring boyfriend I have ever had even though I didn't think he realize he was. He was, after all...not the smartest boy in the world...not like the Alexander H. Raggios, the John F. O'Learys, the Gary Todd Johnsons...the intelligent assholes of my former...but he was smarter than all of them...in words I can't describe.
I think I have to start hating men again...something is telling me that would be a wise move

Because, I'm due...

Here I am in my towel...

This weekend I am going to go to University of Hartford to see the NEMC crowd. I miss them so much...because I make a joke like, "Hot damn!" or "KIMMAH" and everyone at college just looks at me like I'm the biggest loser on the planet. "Wicked good summah ya!"
Oh well...

I really dont have anything to write...I just wanted to say i was in a towel.

I apologize for the way I acted in my last blog. It was innapropriate...and I am truly sorry.

I saw my therapist for the first time...Dr. Crane...I thought that was great. I told her about Johnny Garrison...and what happened in Indiana...and then, she did it. She used the "R" word.
Now, I think from my recollection, I dont think i was...you know, the R word. I hate using the word because I wasn't...Maybe it's denial but I hate that word so much. But it scared me that people actually thought I was, by an asshole like Johnny Garrison! But it wasn't the r word...I can tell you that much, I wasn't. but other than that she's nice, I can tell right now she really hates Alex, and by looking at me...I know she feels bad for me for some unknown reason, like I've been through so much in such a short time...Poor Emily, look at her...blah blah blah, Indiana, Johnny Garrison, her Dad isn't alive, boo hoo....I just think its been a life experience....isn't everyone's life like this????

Today Porter and I went to the photo shop in Kingston and I got cards and new fuzzy slippers and magically cool new shoes for 20 bucks. Cheap shoes, where have you been all my life! Then we went to friendlys. It made me feel good to spend some time with her, she's awesome. Hopefully my therapy sessions won't be so taxing this Friday.

Trefor has informed me the West Point cadets are comin to Bard from 3-5...I dont even want to see them. The military of America is nothing but a hurtful, dangerous environment.

But I will tell you this, Hurley, NY...there's the "Only corn maze that salutes the heroes of 9/11" I'm going this Friday...who's in???

Instead of bitching...I will talk about my night in a calm rational manner....

But how can I when nothing happened? I looked good tonight but nothing...Do you have any idea how lonely I am? It's painful!! I've finally gotten over that idea that every guy is going to turn out like Johnny Garrison...but when I step out, there's no one!

I wrote John a letter a week ago and told him i felt used and to email me if he ever wanted to talk to me. Of course he never emailed me...which means another friend gone...how depressing...the shit keeps hitting the fan.

I'm not bitching! I'm telling it like it is. My self esteem is not existant...counseling will do me good. Ever feel like everyone looks at you because you're too immature and stupid to realize that the world hates you?
Shut up Emily, no one needs to hear this...

I'm going to bed...If Bard ends up being like this forever, Lord knows what's going to happen to me...

So I had this dream...

Okay, There's a crowd of people surrounding the president and an Arab tied up with a blindfold...i dont know if he was a suspected terrorist or anything...but the president yells, "To make an example for anyone else trying to ruin the American way of life." He takes out a Colt pistol and shoots the guy right in the chest! I was like, holy shit!
Then I had another dream of my love life to come. I was in a red dress in the 20s, ready for all these gentlemen callers to appear and they do appear and they're all cute but do you know who I ended up with? The talking dog!! So yes, I am scared...
Of course this party was in Indiana...Anna, Indiana...does that place even exist????

I should stop dreaming...