Operation: Effort
It's been a few days since Operation: Effort started...and it's been doing pretty well.
Last night we watched the Ice Storm...
Tonight was kind of a loss but...
Tomorrow is Clerks Animated.
Can I ask you something? You all know it's been a year for me...for having a boyfriend (if you can call whatever I dated a boyfriend) and maybe one day something will happen and everything will be wine and roses...but is this pathetic? I mean, Operation: Effort...is it worth it?
I remember my other Operations...
The 5th Victim: It only took me 24 hours to make Brian Abend mine at summer camp in 2000...he was my "5th Victim" in my entire life to take interest in me.
Peter didn't have an operation name...
Alex probably did...but I don't really remember that relationship much now. Repressing it deep inside me is great.
But now Operation: Effort...
"this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Today the silence that broke gave me a heart attack
My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.
And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title
Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?
Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.
I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...
My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.
And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title
Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?
Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.
I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...
Monday, November 18, 2002
I have realized that I haven't spoken about West Point yet...
But there really isn't anything to say but I was pretty scared to the point of wanting to throw up over McCarthur's statue. But I maintained calm and sat quietly while in the midst of thousands of trained killers. Alex apparently hid in his room while I was there. I thought that was pretty stupid. Why hide from something that doesn't give a shit anymore like me!?
I told Diana and she told me he had "lost something and is acting strange." Then she told me that not talking to him was a stupid thing but everyone was acting stupid...she was so mad she just told me she couldn't deal with it anymore and signed off. I respect Diana so very much...I hate to see her mad at me, but I can't talk to Alex. How can I talk to someone who makes me feel like shit all the time!
I'm watching the Ice Storm tonight with Jesse because I finished my paper faster than expected and got most of my work done from the week. Hopefully, I give it a month, I will be eating with Porter at Le Cunard and being happy.
because making an effot is important in society
But there really isn't anything to say but I was pretty scared to the point of wanting to throw up over McCarthur's statue. But I maintained calm and sat quietly while in the midst of thousands of trained killers. Alex apparently hid in his room while I was there. I thought that was pretty stupid. Why hide from something that doesn't give a shit anymore like me!?
I told Diana and she told me he had "lost something and is acting strange." Then she told me that not talking to him was a stupid thing but everyone was acting stupid...she was so mad she just told me she couldn't deal with it anymore and signed off. I respect Diana so very much...I hate to see her mad at me, but I can't talk to Alex. How can I talk to someone who makes me feel like shit all the time!
I'm watching the Ice Storm tonight with Jesse because I finished my paper faster than expected and got most of my work done from the week. Hopefully, I give it a month, I will be eating with Porter at Le Cunard and being happy.
because making an effot is important in society
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Sits up in bed and then lies back down, "What did I do last night???"
Yes, I actually said that, for the first time in my short life. I remember the night like any other night...me and the kids that live in Jesse's suite...lots of vodka and other such alcohol...sitting around, drink...make another drink...drink more. Then someone suggests a game of "Never have I ever"
Although I don't remember the complete night...I remember a lot more than I probably should. Like how Jesse wears Black boxer Briefs and the ages everyone started masturbating...I hardly know the people Jesse lives with and yet, I know when they started wacking off. We live in a great age...
But in a drunken stupor I managed to stumble out my secret crush's name...and everyone was shocked. My secret crush (God, what am I...13? "My Secret Crush"...it's not like he's 12 too...he's 21!) But anyway...I told and so I think, I can't remember...I think they told him. I remember being sad and having them all say, "But Emily, you're hot!" and they lean over to my secret crush and say, "Hey, isn't she hot?" and he says, "Yes she is..." But the thing is, if someone is sad they're not going to say, "No you're not hot you piece of shit..." so I take it for what it's worth I guess...
So when everyone was done being blantantly sexual, we all either started to throw up or we went to bed. My secret crush and company told me i shouldn't drive home and the weather was bad, so I slept there in the suite in a single, a nice warm bed with no stoners around! My secret crush before I went to bed looked at me and said, "You should come hang out with us more often..."
Apparently he's making an effot...so they say...so maybe this dry spell will end soon and Porter and I can finally eat at that awesome French restaurant we made as our goal for hooking up with someone.
Yes, I actually said that, for the first time in my short life. I remember the night like any other night...me and the kids that live in Jesse's suite...lots of vodka and other such alcohol...sitting around, drink...make another drink...drink more. Then someone suggests a game of "Never have I ever"
Although I don't remember the complete night...I remember a lot more than I probably should. Like how Jesse wears Black boxer Briefs and the ages everyone started masturbating...I hardly know the people Jesse lives with and yet, I know when they started wacking off. We live in a great age...
But in a drunken stupor I managed to stumble out my secret crush's name...and everyone was shocked. My secret crush (God, what am I...13? "My Secret Crush"...it's not like he's 12 too...he's 21!) But anyway...I told and so I think, I can't remember...I think they told him. I remember being sad and having them all say, "But Emily, you're hot!" and they lean over to my secret crush and say, "Hey, isn't she hot?" and he says, "Yes she is..." But the thing is, if someone is sad they're not going to say, "No you're not hot you piece of shit..." so I take it for what it's worth I guess...
So when everyone was done being blantantly sexual, we all either started to throw up or we went to bed. My secret crush and company told me i shouldn't drive home and the weather was bad, so I slept there in the suite in a single, a nice warm bed with no stoners around! My secret crush before I went to bed looked at me and said, "You should come hang out with us more often..."
Apparently he's making an effot...so they say...so maybe this dry spell will end soon and Porter and I can finally eat at that awesome French restaurant we made as our goal for hooking up with someone.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Hi! This is Jeremy. I don't have a blog, so all this might not make sense or something. Nevermind. To Trefor - I agree with you that much of Emily's blog is sad. However, her blog is not only sad, but funny, emotional, crazy, intense, awesome, full of Bardy goodness, and well, lets just say its full of pure fun! It has all the elements of a long running television sitcom - good parts, bad parts, and a soon to be 'final' episode that will surely draw as many excited fans as it will exacberated critics.
Anyway, the following is an exerpt from my friend's blog:
MY WORLD! - EVERYONE'S BLOG
Well, today I got up and me had a good time with myself. Me me me. Then I went to MY class where I talked to MYSELF with MY teacher who is ME. It was a good day for ME.
-----------------------------------
That was an exerpt from my friend's blog - she so crazy.
So, Emily is drinking with the Computerly talented people that Jesse lives with. Its a party! We just saw "Bowling for Columbine" the new Michael Moore documentary, it was full of 'goody goodness' to quote one viewer. The New York Times say it is "Better than Emily's cartoons" and the Washington Post claim it is "Like a class with James Romm as a teacher - BUT NO BOTSTEIN!" Well, despite their interesting (and unique) praise for the film, it was a very amazing film.
So, it seems that Jesse has just made Emily "sort of a... a... fuzzy navel" which, if I remember correctly (I was barred from being a bar tender - is that the correct terminology - is that how to spell terminology?) is peach schnappes with a hint of love and a gallon of friendship. Ok, I'm done for now - hopefully this entry encouraged you to continue reading Emily's World... at least for a little while - c'mon we're gonna have to find out who that crush is eventually! I'm casting my vote for Robert Kelly.
A poem by Robert Kelly
Is it thinking?
Or am I dating Emily?
Ok, thats all.
Jeremy
Anyway, the following is an exerpt from my friend's blog:
MY WORLD! - EVERYONE'S BLOG
Well, today I got up and me had a good time with myself. Me me me. Then I went to MY class where I talked to MYSELF with MY teacher who is ME. It was a good day for ME.
-----------------------------------
That was an exerpt from my friend's blog - she so crazy.
So, Emily is drinking with the Computerly talented people that Jesse lives with. Its a party! We just saw "Bowling for Columbine" the new Michael Moore documentary, it was full of 'goody goodness' to quote one viewer. The New York Times say it is "Better than Emily's cartoons" and the Washington Post claim it is "Like a class with James Romm as a teacher - BUT NO BOTSTEIN!" Well, despite their interesting (and unique) praise for the film, it was a very amazing film.
So, it seems that Jesse has just made Emily "sort of a... a... fuzzy navel" which, if I remember correctly (I was barred from being a bar tender - is that the correct terminology - is that how to spell terminology?) is peach schnappes with a hint of love and a gallon of friendship. Ok, I'm done for now - hopefully this entry encouraged you to continue reading Emily's World... at least for a little while - c'mon we're gonna have to find out who that crush is eventually! I'm casting my vote for Robert Kelly.
A poem by Robert Kelly
Is it thinking?
Or am I dating Emily?
Ok, thats all.
Jeremy
Wednesday, November 13, 2002
The thing about today is that I realized something...about how my guy radar works...
and now i have a secret crush...but if i tell anyone at Bard they'll make fun of me. But he's just adorable and cute and funny...
Trefor today told me my blog was sad...but it's not crying, the writer is just lonely...so Trefor, while your opinion is valid, why do you read my blog if you're just going to rub it in my face that you're so much more in control of your life than me? I know you are...so the best thing to remedy this is for you to just stop reading...and then you can make fun of someone else and let me have my own opinions.
I'm listening to my music really loud...the stoners are having a party next door...so to combat the pot smell, I'm blasting the olympic team...
"Dude, is the torch passing by or something????"
and now i have a secret crush...but if i tell anyone at Bard they'll make fun of me. But he's just adorable and cute and funny...
Trefor today told me my blog was sad...but it's not crying, the writer is just lonely...so Trefor, while your opinion is valid, why do you read my blog if you're just going to rub it in my face that you're so much more in control of your life than me? I know you are...so the best thing to remedy this is for you to just stop reading...and then you can make fun of someone else and let me have my own opinions.
I'm listening to my music really loud...the stoners are having a party next door...so to combat the pot smell, I'm blasting the olympic team...
"Dude, is the torch passing by or something????"
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