Batman

I drew a picture of Braden in my journal today...looking innocent as always with the caption: "This could get messy"
But I shouldn't say that it's messy. There was another caption: Better than Alex.
Braden doesn't know how to mistreat a woman. Of course, as it was pointed out to me later...does he know how to treat a lady as well?
I could never picture Braden firing a gun or calling me a whore and telling me to bake a pie for him while he quietly sips a shitty warm beer and watches sports.

So what happens now you loyal readers who peer into my life like peering into an animal's glass prison at the zoo? Lord only knows.
We talked about it while we sat on the floor of the old gym. I looked like a secretary from the 1960's...he looked like my boss.
I had been drinking screwdrivers without orange juice and so...like two antisocial wallflowers at the middle school dance, I leaned over to him and told him. "you know, I like you a lot..." I almost said "more than a friend" I swear.
He looked at me with his pretty little boy blue eyes. "So they've told me. Well, I kinda like you too. But I don't really know what to do next. You should come over to my room and watch batman."
Batman...Braden's little obsession. Well I have obsessions: the military, wheat thins, the History channel, Woody Allen movies...
So after watching Batman Returns...will everything be right in the world?
Stay tuned for the next spinetingling story of:
Two Nerds in Love

Welcome to Tremblay

Today I have guests at Tremblay 102...and we all should be asleep on the floor
but NO!

The stoners tonight are louder than they have ever been in my entire life...and I feel awful about it. They're sleeping on the floor while the stoners scream for their bongs and slam doors. What is a girl to do? If I ever date Braden...I'm spending weekends with him in his quiet suite.

He's wearing a purple suit to the ISO. I've always wanted to date a man who wears a purple suit.

It's 3:40 AM...

I have therapy in about 6 hours...but I've been watching "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" with Braden instead of sleeping. Maybe the reason I like him so much is because he watches cartoons just like me but rather he is untouched, untainted by the world and surroundings...Like Pete almost, the "box with airholes" crap. He doesn't have a history of wrongdoings like I do.

Maybe that's what I need...a man with a clean slate to also wipe my misfortunes away...

Today over lunch Jesse told me Operation: Effort was stupid. But didn't I say yesterday that it was? They are "operations" and yes, that has military connotations but aren't I doing what every military has been doing for centuries?
I have a plan...strategic posts, I am the general...
I am going into somewhat hostile territory...where there could be emotional casulties and fatigue
And finally, I must take over this "new land" for my own...thus winning the war

I don't claim to have a military mind and nor would I ever want one...but this just seems to make sense for me and I have proof it works...
And one day, Like Napoleon (though I'm not taking all of Europe, just a small country)...I will be exiled by the nation that I so loved and that's the way life is. But if this were really war...

I wouldn't get to do it again and again until I die

Operation: Effort

It's been a few days since Operation: Effort started...and it's been doing pretty well.
Last night we watched the Ice Storm...
Tonight was kind of a loss but...
Tomorrow is Clerks Animated.

Can I ask you something? You all know it's been a year for me...for having a boyfriend (if you can call whatever I dated a boyfriend) and maybe one day something will happen and everything will be wine and roses...but is this pathetic? I mean, Operation: Effort...is it worth it?
I remember my other Operations...
The 5th Victim: It only took me 24 hours to make Brian Abend mine at summer camp in 2000...he was my "5th Victim" in my entire life to take interest in me.
Peter didn't have an operation name...
Alex probably did...but I don't really remember that relationship much now. Repressing it deep inside me is great.
But now Operation: Effort...
"this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"

Today the silence that broke gave me a heart attack

My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.

And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title

Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?

Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.

I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...

We were under this strange spell that smelt of liquor, sex and violence
Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, because I’m not. I’ve been personally shot by the arrow of no return.