"What I do, when lightning strikes me?"

I've been drugged all day...by one little tiny Dimetapp 12 hour allergy relief. My life flashed before my eyes in the car ride from Darien to the city today to see "The Goat" with Sally Field. She breaks a lot of shit in that play...it's pretty awesome. I was sitting at the table at Jo Allen restaurant with my cousin and his girlfriend Gloria. I do enjoy Gloria, because when I talk to her, she makes me sound like a gossipy Italian Jersey woman, just like her. Except we were talking Faulkner and speech therapy and not hair and nails. Gloria nudged me and asked me if I was still with Alex and I made a disgusted face. She then asked if there was someone else.
And what could I tell them? Telling them that Braden is my boyfriend is a lie...but having no one is also a lie. So I just "I don't know...not really"
All of my days I have been searching for closure from everything from Indiana to Braden. I just want answers, not having to be damn Nancy Drew and snoop around for clues. It took me 9 months to find out what REALLY happened in Indiana and now, I have to tip toe, begging the Suite F kids for clues to figure out how to get Braden to be mine...
All weekend, especially now that I'm drugged up good, I've been dreaming of the way to get him to submit into the arms of Emily Sauter (and I know there are a lot of you out there that are feeling sorry for Braden if he ever ends up with me...that he should stay this clean slate forever, well let me tell you something...I'm not the thing anyone of you remember me by...I've been harden by life...) My ideas are pretty bad. But I think all it will take is a little batman and some "fancy footwork." It'll be like Pete Schiller...but with copious amounts of alcohol.

I drew a cartoon of Braden and I'm thinking of turning into a painting. We're standing in a corner and I'm wearing a Harry Potter shirt and I lean over to him and ask, "Hey, how about we act mature for once? You know, you act like you're 22 and i'll be the naive 19 year old?"
You never know, acting our ages could be thrilling!

I threw a dinner party last night...
It was kinda like the Friday night dinners that I usually go to at Bard...but we had a better kitchen and the cooking expertise of my mother and no alcohol. Steak, baked potatos, and make your own brownie sundaes.
We also went to Blockbuster and rented one real movie...and one movie we could make fun of. We rented Monsters Inc. because it's a quality movie...and our fake movie...well let's just say I feel pretty stupid having watched it. That's right...we rented "How High" starring two fine actors, Method Man and Redman. We did laugh a lot because the movie was just rediculous. Maybe I'm a snobby white girl...but I feel stupid having to sit through that. One upside: The love interest was Lisa Turtle from our fav show, "Saved by the Bell." Everyone remember to watch the E! true hollywood story about Saved by the bell on sunday night at 8 PM. I know i'll be watching.
I do miss Bard though...I keep thinking about it...the good side (the suite) vs. the bad side (TERM PAPERS FROM HELL!)
I got my job schedule from the pharmacy for intersession
Come visit me Christmas Eve AND New Years Eve...because i'll be there, giving old people a hard time and eating candy

Thanksgiving baby!

I realize that there isn't really anything to talk about...because I'm sure all your thanksgivings were exactly like mine...the banter of what movies were good (I put in my shout out for Bowling for Columbine, but was blatantly ignored) the registered game of Trivial Pursuit (me and my aunt's nerdy nephew vs. the world...and we lost, big time) and the large bird and mashed potatoes heating on my uncle's wood burning stove.
Just the run of the mill t day...

I'm going to watch chick flicks and feel sorry for myself...
too much pie

Today I woke up at 7AM and outside my window was a winter wonderland...
I got so excited that I turned on the radio and jumped up and down when they said Darien schools were closed. And I stopped and said, "Wait...I'm a sophomore at Bard College..."
I went downstairs and Mom and I decided to make waffles and bacon. Being home isn't bad, it's just that it's cutting off my ability to hang out in Suite F. It's cutting off my ability to be social (though I do have my friends here and I love them dearly)
So now there's nothing to do but wait...let the seconds tick by and the minutes slowly twirl around the clock.

On a typically unrelated topic: Sean called Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash yesterday and none other than THE walt flannigan answered the phone. Sean says he's never washing his phone again. I don't know which Walt Flannigan moment I like best in Kevin Smith's movies but i think it has to be in Dogma outside the abortion clinic

"Fucking baby killers!"
"Tell 'em Steve Dave!"

Home at last...

I don't really want to be here right now...I'd rather be in the folds of Suite F than in the loving arms of my mother. Pathetic, yes...but yet it's been a while since I have felt the feelings I feel now. All this time I thought they had been taken away by the wrongdoers of my past...but now that I have found someone, I am giddy like a middle school girl at a dance...I am quite a sight to see I assure you.
Tomorrow I will be snowbound in my house with nothing but the loud mouth of the TV to keep me occupied.
As for the continued saga of "Two Nerds in Love" --- It should be called "One nerd in love...the other nerd is confused"
I am found that while my feelings for Braden grow, I believe he is growing distant. I know he likes me...he told me so himself, and why would he lie to me! We sit together in silence and stare at walls, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a sign.
I have drawn countless cartoons of me ripping my hair out in anger screaming, "Fuck me!" at the top of my lungs. I am anxious for something, anything to happen...and yet I know that I have to wait, sit here in the confines of the snow and home until I can stare at walls again with him at Bard.
She told me this would happen...but I never thought it would be this difficult...
"Don't you see...let it happen now"

My uncle called me this morning at 9:35 AM...
I was dreaming about flying through sterile rooms when the phone rang. I didn't think it was mine but it was. My uncle owns my old computer from high school and doesn't really know anything about computers. He told me he was writing an article for the Woodstock Times and needed to know how to save it onto a floppy disk. My uncle is one of the most cultured men I know...I admire his knowledge, library, his Victorian garden, his cooking. I just would assume he would be able to figure out how to save to a disk. But I don't hold it against him. I'm just glad I could help him out.

To continue with my saga of "two nerds in love" ---
Braden's twenty-second birthday is thrusday. I'm thinking of getting him a box of Wheat Thins so we can share in my obsession. It doesn't bother me that he's 22 and hasn't done anything sexual in nature in his whole life. I thought that was how I would end up. But for some reason, being near him turns me into a bumbling idiot. In teen movies: when the nerd wants to ask the cheerleader out on the date, he stumbles for words, freudian slips all over the place and ends up falling on his ass while the cheerleader steps on him. That's how I feel. I can't stop myself from saying the dumbest shit! Maybe it's because I am attracted to him or maybe it's because I'm a moron.
I'm just treading lightly around the sexual frustration I guess...
Tune in next time for another story of "Two Nerds in Love"
Same nerdy time
Same nerdy channel

Batman

I drew a picture of Braden in my journal today...looking innocent as always with the caption: "This could get messy"
But I shouldn't say that it's messy. There was another caption: Better than Alex.
Braden doesn't know how to mistreat a woman. Of course, as it was pointed out to me later...does he know how to treat a lady as well?
I could never picture Braden firing a gun or calling me a whore and telling me to bake a pie for him while he quietly sips a shitty warm beer and watches sports.

So what happens now you loyal readers who peer into my life like peering into an animal's glass prison at the zoo? Lord only knows.
We talked about it while we sat on the floor of the old gym. I looked like a secretary from the 1960's...he looked like my boss.
I had been drinking screwdrivers without orange juice and so...like two antisocial wallflowers at the middle school dance, I leaned over to him and told him. "you know, I like you a lot..." I almost said "more than a friend" I swear.
He looked at me with his pretty little boy blue eyes. "So they've told me. Well, I kinda like you too. But I don't really know what to do next. You should come over to my room and watch batman."
Batman...Braden's little obsession. Well I have obsessions: the military, wheat thins, the History channel, Woody Allen movies...
So after watching Batman Returns...will everything be right in the world?
Stay tuned for the next spinetingling story of:
Two Nerds in Love