Okay...

As I sit on Porter's bed using her laptop (my computer decided to rebel against me but don't worry...He'll get what's for soon) and listening to Eminem, I guess today was a pretty good day.
I didn't think it was going to be a good day though when I saw Alex come out of the elevator at West Point today. But you know what? We seem to hate each other, but it really isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Though I hate Alex for a lot of things, that's the past. Alex will always be somewhat of a crazy decision. Today I found out his great grandmother past away and I was so sad about it. I met his great grandmother when I was in Indiana and she was an amazing lady. She was 94 though and lived a full life. She was telling me stories in the sunroom about Florida back in 20's and I remember telling me when we left in the Raggio's Catera that she told me i was a lovely lady. She was probably the only person in Indiana who truly liked me and now she's dead.
Going back to West Point was fine for me. My westpointophobia is pretty much gone. All that shit is in the past now. And Alex even says that Braden is a good guy and he's happy for me. He did tell me I was crazy though...I told him the only crazy thing I did was date him.

So there you have it...Alex might love guns and the memories of him in the Delta High parking lot still haunt my dreams...something good might come out of all of this
Focusing on the past is bullshit too...i mean, it's never going to happen to you again...so why care?

On a another unrelated topic...there is a birthday party in the hallway and I need to go to the bathroom but there are too many people outside...
This stinks

So here I am in the suite!
Ross is telling me that I need to jump Braden...


just wait until Friday...
God I hope he doesn't read this

So I'm blasting Britney Spears really loud right now...but I don't care. I have been really productive today, getting my government text done AND typing four pages of my Kennedy paper. I really have to get a lot of work done because I'm going to West Point tomorrow to fence. And I'm not afraid! Take that Army!

Braden and I are watching "Empire Strikes Back" tonight after dorchestra...because its his favorite Star Wars
Now all of you, my loyal readers...must be asking...what the fuck Emily? First you're "head over feet" and then you're pissed and now you're watching (gasp) EMPIRE with him? I mean, what the hell is going on here!!!!

Answer to that question: go watch Never been Kissed and you'll understand...

Just a thought:

I've been listening to a lot more pop music...
there's a Britney Spears song I actually like now...

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO EMILY SAUTER!

Let's talk about Sex

With Jesse magically turning himself into Freud this evening, we ended up with a strange conversation in our laps. "Why do we have sex?" was the potent question at hand. It's been a while since I have slept with someone (almost a year if you count the unpleasantness) so I couldn't really answer the question, but as I watched Captain Von Trapp kiss the young nun Maria and my eyes filled with tears, I wanted to be able to answer that question for myself.
But I can't now.
Today was a sexual day for the world. Kevin asked me out today. This didn't really come as a shock, but somehow...it did. I love Kevin because he is me. We can watch musicals, sing the same songs, be the same...but distance is an issue. Plus I am head over feet for Braden Lamb who Kevin calls 'Batman'. Let me say it again, I am "head over feet" sorry I was listening to that song right now...There is no one as pure, loyal and beautiful as he can be. But as for Kevin, sweetheart...don't despair...I still care deeply about you.
I found out my best friend lost his virginity this weekend...and he told me it felt right. So congrats Sean, we've officially switched places.
As for Braden, it'll be a long time before I'll be answering Jesse's sexual ponderings...but when it does happen, I'll be able to say that sex is an understanding of where you stand and how much you care...hopefully with Braden, i'll get to understand the genius of why he is the way he is.
Because to me, he is fascinating
Welcome back to the drama of "Two Nerds in Love"

Last night I worked on my new painting:

It doesn't have a name but I truly enjoy it. When I get my digital camera working again...I'll take a picture of it.
The thing I hate about my life is that when I'm knee deep into a relationship...the men come out of the woodwork and tell me they are attracted to me. Of course I wouldn't call Braden a "relationship..." more a "confusing ball of riddles"
Don't worry...I get back at him for his childish behavior in the Observer!
At least he's going away this weekend...leaving me a clean suite watching Sound of Music in without worry!

I dont really know what to say now...all I know is that for a girl...I really don't hide anything at all.

Extra Extra! Read all about it! Emily and her "secret crush" have talk to discuss being "more than friends" on the playground!

"Two Nerds in Love" doesn't exist anymore...
let's just get one thing straight here...Indiana messed me up. I hate Johnny and Alex for what they did to me and how they took my courage and my ideals and my hope that the world was decent and flushed it down the toilet along with my soco ranked vomit.
I've wanted to get over my problem and with the use of therapy, I seem to be getting better to understanding why I am the way I am after New Years 2002. And through my false love of Pete Schiller, the 50 year old man stuck in a 15 year old's body...I thought I was cured. But it occurs to me now, and yes some people have told me this...I go for the safe ones. Ones I know who could never mistreat a woman.
so go to college looking for the safe one and who do you get? That's right: Braden Lamb.
I adore Braden for his dry wit...his love of Clerks animated...but just by looking at his room, his side parted hair (a friend of mine told me any guy who parts his hair on the side has problems) and his love for cartoons. But Braden, like Kevin says, is stuck in a pre pubescent world of dinosaurs and leggos. He is, unforunately like me in that he hides behind a journal full of cartoon worlds. His character is Stephanie the duck...mine is Annie Viller...hiding in your journal can be caustic to your life. Lord knows I resent Annie for what she did to me. She stole my social fabric.
Braden and I are two boats drifting apart...a fine metaphor...or any metaphor will do at least. We're two socially awkward kids in a world where what we watch on TV is the norm. I am 19 years old...I should be having sex with many people I dont know. I tried that...and look where that got me. So society is full of shit.
Braden just turned 22 years old...by America's standards he should be getting a job...going out with the boys and getting a beer...hitting on younger women, watching sports. Braden is a social drinker yes, I applaud him that he knows how to drink like a man. But sadly i must confirm that that's all that makes him a man. Other than that he's but a small child in a world that frightens him
So what happens now? Patience fellow viewers...
For I'm sure this is only the beginning of a socially awkward journey into romance