So I'm back...

I was thinking about how nice it is to have my house back...my own room, no kids running around...no drama rec to teach, no curfew...no skunks...it's a paradise here and i think the best thing is that camp has taught me that I should be happy with all i have, cuz shit, i have too much...
So here it is at 12:24 and I'm staring at the picture of Pete crying at the breakfast table...he's forcing this pathetic smile...waving his hand in the air, wearing his "Dont tread on me" flag shirt...he looks so sad it almost made me cry in the parking lot of CVS.

I'm lonely here at home...Kevin is trying to make me feel better and its working a little...i came back to society and everything in Darien had changed...all my friends had changed and it was weird. i found out about everyone in such a short time...
I'm so lost...
I think it's time to write Pete...
It's good to be back in whitebred USA

sauter's back and with much to say....
I'm going to publish on this my "Self Analysis: Answers to the Hardest Questions" on the blog so you can all know that I went crazy at camp...
I'll give you the gist in a few sentences...my co counselors were uptight, they told me i was a super camper, I got to be a housewife, blah blah blah...now I'm in a tangled relationship with a 16 year old friendless trumpeter named Pete...(he's the problem of my self analysis) so needless to say, my summer was completely awesome...
talk to me for further details

I have missed all of you and now, SHE'S BACK!

Today (essentially) I leave for Boston and then for Maine...for nine weeks...
My address there till the 20th of august
Emily Sauter
New England Music Camp
8 Goldenrod Lane
Sidney, ME 04330

Feel free to write...

Tonight I had a small get together of all my friends and we watched "full metal jacket" What a sweet movie that is.
I had a dream two nights ago where the war on terror had pissed off everything and everyone in the world and now they were against America...i was hiding in my basement, watching the war...they had overtaken everything...everyday was like september 11th...they were searching for me because they knew i was helping America with intelligence (I dont know why i had intelligence) they found me...shot at my knees, and eventually killed me. I awoke and was thankful...I dont want to be the victim of war...that would be bad...
I'm going to read "The Black Veil"
Thank the good Lord its not about the military

Today my Dad's friend from my early childhood came into the pharmacy and I waited on him and he was a real jerk to me...
This got me thinking...how could my father be friends with jerks? I mean, i can't really ask him and all...considering he's floating in the ocean somewhere...but why would my dad be friends with jerks? It's true...I don't know much about my father...he seems like a tale to me...but I never thought he could be friends with jerks. But apparently he was...and it made me really sad.

My mom took me to the yacht club...whitebred and rich people surrounded me...I had never noticed how white it is there...that also made me sad...
Right now I am sad...can you tell?

Soon, NEMC...and then everything can be good...maybe....

thought of the day...ehhh...there isn't a thought

Not much to say...

I leave for Maine in four days...still in this euphoric state of denial that I'm not going to be at NEMC...
I had lunch with Jason and we had the usual gossip of the town...he told me his life of sailing, money, booze and drugs...I explained my minature painting obsession...it was nice...

There's nothing really else to explain...
The mood I'm feeling right now is "puzzled"
-----I dont really know what that means...

final thought: I like the sound the screens in the windows make when bugs fly into them...it's a sound of summer

So as I gazed the shops of the Palisades mall to watching the documentary "13" about being a 13 year old girl and how they think (it's so sad how pathetically shallow these girls are) I realize that I am not really a chick. Think about it...I'm this asexual non fem THING...Come on, we all know even Jesse has more womanly features than I...he even has that fem swagger in his walk...I have that stalky Todd swagger...unpleasant!
I just wear that stupid stewardess skirt and a tank top...but no flowers, no frills...just this thing...in solid colors...so I'm going to try to be more "fem" and less this butchy thing I have dug for myself. I dont know how to do that though...be a lady...dude, I belch and stuff...I am no lady.

Maybe one day I'll be a woman...but for now...I guess I'll be this thing

Just watched Hitchcock's "Vertigo" and am at a loss for words...seriously...I don't know what to think...I just feel like crying

watched a great documentary tonight about German POWs in the South during WWII. that made it a good night...
I'm going to get something to drink...