I worked for eight hours...damn pharmacy!
I dreamt about Philly all night...and when i woke up, my neck was strangely all fucked up...I have been popping pills all day. From Motrin, Advil, Tylenol...
I have started to write again, thank the Lord! It's called L'Avenir de Trois or in English, "The Future of Three." It's about three people that remember their childhood.
There isn't really much to say...I have lost my witty and urbane touch on reality...hopefully a jump start to school will help that out.
sadness...
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
Monday, August 26, 2002
So i got a letter from Pete today...and it's the most depressing and beautiful thing i have ever read...
It's so sad...I dont know what to say or anything...I want to write about him because he truly is a wonderful person but...i can't.
I'm inhibited by these strange feelings of emptiness...I can tell that he's in a lot of pain when he was writing this...and it puts this severe emotional strain on me too. God, what do I do now? I'm in this relationship where I'm trapped and in love at the same time?
"He's safe" yes...blah blah blah that's what they tell me. But that's bullshit...you should feel the way you want...
The letter also feels depressed because...he seems mad that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship like I do. What am I to do now? Be sexually inactive while my junior in high school boyfriend, when he feels like it...writes me occasionally?
Oh Sauter, you're between a rock and hard place now....
"I feel like i left part of me at camp or with you, and you're filling that hole...Strange, I guess it means 'I love you'"
It's so sad...I dont know what to say or anything...I want to write about him because he truly is a wonderful person but...i can't.
I'm inhibited by these strange feelings of emptiness...I can tell that he's in a lot of pain when he was writing this...and it puts this severe emotional strain on me too. God, what do I do now? I'm in this relationship where I'm trapped and in love at the same time?
"He's safe" yes...blah blah blah that's what they tell me. But that's bullshit...you should feel the way you want...
The letter also feels depressed because...he seems mad that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship like I do. What am I to do now? Be sexually inactive while my junior in high school boyfriend, when he feels like it...writes me occasionally?
Oh Sauter, you're between a rock and hard place now....
"I feel like i left part of me at camp or with you, and you're filling that hole...Strange, I guess it means 'I love you'"
God this stupid Eminem song is so addicting...i cant stop listening!
Today I saw my Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was good...just what i needed.
I need to be creative because I'm not being creative...I just have all this leftover hostility from nothing.
Today was my last day of a whole day of freedom before spending all my days at the pharmacy making loads of cashola! 300 bucks will soon be mine soon!
Enough of writing...I'm moody!
Today was "family wash cars" day at the sauter house...the sauter women washed their cars...
Today I saw my Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was good...just what i needed.
I need to be creative because I'm not being creative...I just have all this leftover hostility from nothing.
Today was my last day of a whole day of freedom before spending all my days at the pharmacy making loads of cashola! 300 bucks will soon be mine soon!
Enough of writing...I'm moody!
Today was "family wash cars" day at the sauter house...the sauter women washed their cars...
Saturday, August 24, 2002
Song of the Day: "Gun Song" from Assassins...what a good song! It was a theme today...August 24th is GUN DAY! So happy gun day...
This weekend was the weekend of the worst places in the world...I never thought I would see both those places in one weekend...
Friday I went to the gyno...and my doctor has the same name...Dr. Sauter...it's very scary to have her put metal stuff in my "you know"
What an awful place....on God's green Earth, why would you want to do that? Even for all that money???
And then I went to West point for the first time in 10 months...having a guy in BDU's calling me ma'am...telling me to check my emissions sticker because it's been out of date for seven months...with their M-16s...
Speaking of 16, that's how many guns Alex has...sixteen guns...
Seeing Alex again was strange...not the best day of my life...but i think it was good that we said everything we needed to. I got all my johnny bitching over with...God I hate Johnny so much...I'd love to push him out of a window, save the world from a fucking psychopath...
Alex told me he got a letter from Johnny in Cali. "Dear Alex, Don't be mad about January...but you shouldn't date nerdy chicks..."
He ruined it for the rest of them...all men interested in me, I'm not going to be interesting in them because of you, you asshole...you psychologically ruined my life...
and I hate you so much...so much that I would love to...
Calm down Emily...
Another day without a letter from blissful Pete...I miss him a lot and wish he would write me but alas...no letter...I hope he's not pulling a Johnny Garrison on me too...that would be BAD...
Wow, I didn't know I was in such a shitty mood...oh well...I think i need a break from the military...or I need to punch a wall...
"In the USA...you can make your way, to the head of the line...BANG...to the head of the line"
This weekend was the weekend of the worst places in the world...I never thought I would see both those places in one weekend...
Friday I went to the gyno...and my doctor has the same name...Dr. Sauter...it's very scary to have her put metal stuff in my "you know"
What an awful place....on God's green Earth, why would you want to do that? Even for all that money???
And then I went to West point for the first time in 10 months...having a guy in BDU's calling me ma'am...telling me to check my emissions sticker because it's been out of date for seven months...with their M-16s...
Speaking of 16, that's how many guns Alex has...sixteen guns...
Seeing Alex again was strange...not the best day of my life...but i think it was good that we said everything we needed to. I got all my johnny bitching over with...God I hate Johnny so much...I'd love to push him out of a window, save the world from a fucking psychopath...
Alex told me he got a letter from Johnny in Cali. "Dear Alex, Don't be mad about January...but you shouldn't date nerdy chicks..."
He ruined it for the rest of them...all men interested in me, I'm not going to be interesting in them because of you, you asshole...you psychologically ruined my life...
and I hate you so much...so much that I would love to...
Calm down Emily...
Another day without a letter from blissful Pete...I miss him a lot and wish he would write me but alas...no letter...I hope he's not pulling a Johnny Garrison on me too...that would be BAD...
Wow, I didn't know I was in such a shitty mood...oh well...I think i need a break from the military...or I need to punch a wall...
"In the USA...you can make your way, to the head of the line...BANG...to the head of the line"
Friday, August 23, 2002
I woke up this morning refreshed and happy...no more sad Emily...no more depressed Emily...the only thing I am depressed about it is not being able to see Pete, or wake up to the sounds of rumaging 13 year old girls.
Yesterday Kevin and I were watching The Parent Trap and their first call was the exact same as NEMC's bugle first call....I was like, "Where's Pete?" "is it time for dinner already?" it's kinda sad actually...
Last night I realized that I'm growing up...I'm part excited and part scared as shit about it though. Growing up means a lot of things that I can't deal with. Growing up means that everything I have thought this summah is pretty much a big lie.
I came back into society with no one talking to me, feeling like the only person who actually cared was everyone's favorite friendless trumpeter Peter Alfred Schiller...
Boy was I wrong about that...
Yesterday Kevin and I were watching The Parent Trap and their first call was the exact same as NEMC's bugle first call....I was like, "Where's Pete?" "is it time for dinner already?" it's kinda sad actually...
Last night I realized that I'm growing up...I'm part excited and part scared as shit about it though. Growing up means a lot of things that I can't deal with. Growing up means that everything I have thought this summah is pretty much a big lie.
I came back into society with no one talking to me, feeling like the only person who actually cared was everyone's favorite friendless trumpeter Peter Alfred Schiller...
Boy was I wrong about that...
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