oh yeah...I no longer live here
emily.nilzero.com
is where you'll find the cracked out new stuff
peace
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Rethinking Love in its true Form, whatever that Means
The last time I was in love, my heart felt like it was going to burst. It was a lie though, Johnny Garrison was just using me as a pawn and then I realized that the love I felt for Johnny...the gratitude that I had for helping me cope with my alcohol poisoning, his black sweatshirt sprinkled with my vomit...his soft blonde hair and stormy blue eyes. I could be sentimental and say he killed my love, but it's not true. I just gave all the love I had to give to the wrong person. Now I believe I have no more left to give.
This week has been a strange week for me. Hormonally, I am a sexual wreck...I usually am a few days after my period ends. Hopefully this desire will back down...
My therapist dove into my first sexual experience, she told me I was lucky that Peter loved me and that my first experience was a happy one. I left the office missing Peter. So what if he can't spell, and he's an alcoholic...he did love me and treated me well and respected me (sort of). I just miss him throwing me against the band room lockers during lunch, his body pressed into mine. I had bruises up and down my arms...but it was so passionate, so enticing...so forbidden...
I hate relying on the kindness of outside sources, of men of my past desperately seeking entrance to something they had years before...of time travelling back to when times were different. I'm a changed person.
West Point Jason has also expressed his love for me...and sadly I cannot return the feelings. I feel trapped in some ninteenth century British novel...where I, the woman that everyone wants...can't do anything to help or save herself from a fate that will haunt her. Murder is her crime because she has no love to give. I have passion, I desire love in all its forms...but even as men boldly step out and confess love, I cannot reply good things.
In all my passionate escapades...I only hope that my future ones will not leave me fulfilled but emptier than before. That's what happens to me. All I ask for is to be respected, not used...cared for, and not stepped on.
I long to be fiulfilled in all aspects. Doesn't everyone?
I shouldn't bitch about how it's not fair...there are plenty of men that care about me...some people have nothing.
I just wish I had love and trust to give...but I don't, that's what makes it so hard.
The last time I was in love, my heart felt like it was going to burst. It was a lie though, Johnny Garrison was just using me as a pawn and then I realized that the love I felt for Johnny...the gratitude that I had for helping me cope with my alcohol poisoning, his black sweatshirt sprinkled with my vomit...his soft blonde hair and stormy blue eyes. I could be sentimental and say he killed my love, but it's not true. I just gave all the love I had to give to the wrong person. Now I believe I have no more left to give.
This week has been a strange week for me. Hormonally, I am a sexual wreck...I usually am a few days after my period ends. Hopefully this desire will back down...
My therapist dove into my first sexual experience, she told me I was lucky that Peter loved me and that my first experience was a happy one. I left the office missing Peter. So what if he can't spell, and he's an alcoholic...he did love me and treated me well and respected me (sort of). I just miss him throwing me against the band room lockers during lunch, his body pressed into mine. I had bruises up and down my arms...but it was so passionate, so enticing...so forbidden...
I hate relying on the kindness of outside sources, of men of my past desperately seeking entrance to something they had years before...of time travelling back to when times were different. I'm a changed person.
West Point Jason has also expressed his love for me...and sadly I cannot return the feelings. I feel trapped in some ninteenth century British novel...where I, the woman that everyone wants...can't do anything to help or save herself from a fate that will haunt her. Murder is her crime because she has no love to give. I have passion, I desire love in all its forms...but even as men boldly step out and confess love, I cannot reply good things.
In all my passionate escapades...I only hope that my future ones will not leave me fulfilled but emptier than before. That's what happens to me. All I ask for is to be respected, not used...cared for, and not stepped on.
I long to be fiulfilled in all aspects. Doesn't everyone?
I shouldn't bitch about how it's not fair...there are plenty of men that care about me...some people have nothing.
I just wish I had love and trust to give...but I don't, that's what makes it so hard.
Saturday, April 05, 2003
Reflections of a Spring Breaker
Back at Bard, I have been working for the past few hours (with a quick break to have a bowl of soup and watch the latest Pete and Pete episode I have dled) and thinking about my spring break as a whole. My spring break wasn't full of relaxation, but it certainly was nice to getaway from all the baggage Bard has to offer.
Last night I watched Pi with my newest friends, the gang at Nilzero heavy industries. The group consists of me, kevin, tom, konstantin, and Chris. They're such good people, it's great to have friends to come home to when you are home.
Back at Bard, I think about what happened...you worked, you experienced time travel a la blue couch, and you watched great hotels. All in all...the week a normal person could say was wasted, but I assure you that I am fully satisfied with my spring break experience.
Back at Bard on the other hand, the place is still sucking me dry. My play that I'm writing about the Darien "Underage Drinking Patrol" section of the Darien Times, the play is called "The Under 21" is a strange twisted guardian angel telling the poor lost souls who got themselves arrested last week (I know all of them...I lost my virginity to one of them, and slept in the same bed with one of them when I was ten)...that they have to change their attitudes else they will end up in prison. It's darker than I like to go, but it's pretty good. Anytime where I get to write about Peter is always a joy (though I make him sound like a sophisticated thirty something from England, but that's Masterpiece theater's fault...)
Anyway, I should finish unpacking my massive pile of clean clothing and then, time to read "Vile Bodies" by Waugh.
Umm..yay?
Back at Bard, I have been working for the past few hours (with a quick break to have a bowl of soup and watch the latest Pete and Pete episode I have dled) and thinking about my spring break as a whole. My spring break wasn't full of relaxation, but it certainly was nice to getaway from all the baggage Bard has to offer.
Last night I watched Pi with my newest friends, the gang at Nilzero heavy industries. The group consists of me, kevin, tom, konstantin, and Chris. They're such good people, it's great to have friends to come home to when you are home.
Back at Bard, I think about what happened...you worked, you experienced time travel a la blue couch, and you watched great hotels. All in all...the week a normal person could say was wasted, but I assure you that I am fully satisfied with my spring break experience.
Back at Bard on the other hand, the place is still sucking me dry. My play that I'm writing about the Darien "Underage Drinking Patrol" section of the Darien Times, the play is called "The Under 21" is a strange twisted guardian angel telling the poor lost souls who got themselves arrested last week (I know all of them...I lost my virginity to one of them, and slept in the same bed with one of them when I was ten)...that they have to change their attitudes else they will end up in prison. It's darker than I like to go, but it's pretty good. Anytime where I get to write about Peter is always a joy (though I make him sound like a sophisticated thirty something from England, but that's Masterpiece theater's fault...)
Anyway, I should finish unpacking my massive pile of clean clothing and then, time to read "Vile Bodies" by Waugh.
Umm..yay?
Thursday, April 03, 2003
A little Journey into the Past...riding the Blue Couch the whole way
I am now 20, though last night...I felt as though I were 18 or even 16 again...
It's all because of one boy that was my devoted companion throughout all of high school. John F. O'Leary.
I hated John for most of my college career because I blame myself for what he had turned into. A power hungry Republican who enjoyed to slide through the female mind a little too often. I was the first, I had the plans to turn him into a "real man" I have blueprints, if you want to see them, I will gladly show them to you. I drew them out while lying on the beach on St. Croix.
Nothing has changed between John and I. We went for the signature drive through backwoods CT and ended up in Westport and then back in New Canaan...the O'Leary household hasn't changed, another car in the driveway...John's Jeep. While we drove, he told me of his escapades...He's doing a so-called "Reunion Special" where he is seeing the women of his past again. What I used to call "Operation: Viva Revolucion"...He hooked up with Grace again...which confused me a great deal.
And then that blue couch. The child like aspects of the O'Leary den had been removed so all that's left was a very bright and saddening space. Stanford magazines littered the coffee table (John's dad and soon to be John's Alma Mater)...
Riding the blue couch is like a ride into the past. Things come back while taking a ride of the couch...the masterpiece "No Means No" was written about the blue couch...I got felt up for the first time on the blue couch on Feb. 26, 2000 when John was only fourteen years old. I remember the date, what I was wearing, what we were watching. Mr. O'Leary is always still smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table when I show up. The dog always jumps on me. It's like the house stays the same...no one gets older, nothing changes...everything stays the same.
John wants to take me to brunch at the country club and to the opera. I was angry at him because for eight months, I feared he forgotten who I was. And now that we're back to the old times...I feel like I need to grow up.
Anyway, Jonah Bloch-Johnson, a genius camper of mine sent me a postcard from Spain. It was great to hear from him. I was always jealous of his sheer brilliance.
Time for work...
I found a poem I wrote on Election Night 2000 in my old senior journal...
Election
Midnight----> Dark, Dreary...I'm on the bottom, Bush is on Top
And it pains him to see I'm not enjoying it, only wanting his opponent
Just Close your eyes Emily and pretend it's him for the Next Four Years...
I am now 20, though last night...I felt as though I were 18 or even 16 again...
It's all because of one boy that was my devoted companion throughout all of high school. John F. O'Leary.
I hated John for most of my college career because I blame myself for what he had turned into. A power hungry Republican who enjoyed to slide through the female mind a little too often. I was the first, I had the plans to turn him into a "real man" I have blueprints, if you want to see them, I will gladly show them to you. I drew them out while lying on the beach on St. Croix.
Nothing has changed between John and I. We went for the signature drive through backwoods CT and ended up in Westport and then back in New Canaan...the O'Leary household hasn't changed, another car in the driveway...John's Jeep. While we drove, he told me of his escapades...He's doing a so-called "Reunion Special" where he is seeing the women of his past again. What I used to call "Operation: Viva Revolucion"...He hooked up with Grace again...which confused me a great deal.
And then that blue couch. The child like aspects of the O'Leary den had been removed so all that's left was a very bright and saddening space. Stanford magazines littered the coffee table (John's dad and soon to be John's Alma Mater)...
Riding the blue couch is like a ride into the past. Things come back while taking a ride of the couch...the masterpiece "No Means No" was written about the blue couch...I got felt up for the first time on the blue couch on Feb. 26, 2000 when John was only fourteen years old. I remember the date, what I was wearing, what we were watching. Mr. O'Leary is always still smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table when I show up. The dog always jumps on me. It's like the house stays the same...no one gets older, nothing changes...everything stays the same.
John wants to take me to brunch at the country club and to the opera. I was angry at him because for eight months, I feared he forgotten who I was. And now that we're back to the old times...I feel like I need to grow up.
Anyway, Jonah Bloch-Johnson, a genius camper of mine sent me a postcard from Spain. It was great to hear from him. I was always jealous of his sheer brilliance.
Time for work...
I found a poem I wrote on Election Night 2000 in my old senior journal...
Election
Midnight----> Dark, Dreary...I'm on the bottom, Bush is on Top
And it pains him to see I'm not enjoying it, only wanting his opponent
Just Close your eyes Emily and pretend it's him for the Next Four Years...
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
A now, for a little change of scenery...
Things are going to move around here in my life. As for this website, "See Emily Play" will soon turn into a blog at www.nilzero.com, our magical new website that Kevin, Chris, Tom and Konstantin are putting up. Nilzero is just a place to put our crazy anti war sentiment, complete with a good flash opening.
Another sad change, I regret to inform you on the death of prospect14. She was murdered by the CEO dicks at AOL...and now I am forced to change to the new emilystarrunner, so if you wish to accuse me and hate me...IM emilystarrunner
Spring break has been full of reading, work, and sitting next to Topher Grace at the Sugar Bowl today...nothing beats having Eric from That 70's show live in your town and sit next to him at the sugar bowl, Darien's own eatery.
Nothing more to tell you...just telling you that there's going to be some changes in my life...
Be prepared!
Things are going to move around here in my life. As for this website, "See Emily Play" will soon turn into a blog at www.nilzero.com, our magical new website that Kevin, Chris, Tom and Konstantin are putting up. Nilzero is just a place to put our crazy anti war sentiment, complete with a good flash opening.
Another sad change, I regret to inform you on the death of prospect14. She was murdered by the CEO dicks at AOL...and now I am forced to change to the new emilystarrunner, so if you wish to accuse me and hate me...IM emilystarrunner
Spring break has been full of reading, work, and sitting next to Topher Grace at the Sugar Bowl today...nothing beats having Eric from That 70's show live in your town and sit next to him at the sugar bowl, Darien's own eatery.
Nothing more to tell you...just telling you that there's going to be some changes in my life...
Be prepared!
Monday, March 31, 2003
Being a Republican Woman in a Republican Town...
Spring break's not as glamorous or as dirty as it is on "Bling Bling Break" MTV...but I'm getting by. I've been doing a lot of Republican chores in this Republican town with yellow ribbons over its eyes.
On Saturday I saw Alex, and even baked him cookies...as I preheated the oven, I felt as though it were not 2003, but 1943...baking cookies for servicemen who were going to fight the big evil power abroad...alas, I still baked them. And they were damn good.
Today's baking assignment: Cake
I went to the grocery store today too...and I'm making dinner tonight. What's happening to me? I've also been taking baths, doing pilates...wearing make-up, thinking about taking a dance class next semester, looking my age...This isn't Emily. Where did Emily go? The Republican incubus took her soul in the night, and now...she's trapped in a vortex world of supporting her troops, wearing skirts, and being afraid of change.
Spring break is all about change...it's all about trying to regroup from the chaos of school. If only school didn't follow me home. This week I have a 5 page paper to write. How sad.
Though don't get me wrong, I've had a really good time. I've been hanging out with Kevin, Konstantin, Chris and Tom (that conversation under this is the result of our hanging out...it takes a long time but I highly suggest you read it, shows you what America's youth is up to...and it ain't pretty) and I'm probably going to see them tonight. They're a fun group (wow, sound like my mom there)..
Well, I'm going to go watch Hannah and her sisters...I've already done enough work for today.
Spring break's not as glamorous or as dirty as it is on "Bling Bling Break" MTV...but I'm getting by. I've been doing a lot of Republican chores in this Republican town with yellow ribbons over its eyes.
On Saturday I saw Alex, and even baked him cookies...as I preheated the oven, I felt as though it were not 2003, but 1943...baking cookies for servicemen who were going to fight the big evil power abroad...alas, I still baked them. And they were damn good.
Today's baking assignment: Cake
I went to the grocery store today too...and I'm making dinner tonight. What's happening to me? I've also been taking baths, doing pilates...wearing make-up, thinking about taking a dance class next semester, looking my age...This isn't Emily. Where did Emily go? The Republican incubus took her soul in the night, and now...she's trapped in a vortex world of supporting her troops, wearing skirts, and being afraid of change.
Spring break is all about change...it's all about trying to regroup from the chaos of school. If only school didn't follow me home. This week I have a 5 page paper to write. How sad.
Though don't get me wrong, I've had a really good time. I've been hanging out with Kevin, Konstantin, Chris and Tom (that conversation under this is the result of our hanging out...it takes a long time but I highly suggest you read it, shows you what America's youth is up to...and it ain't pretty) and I'm probably going to see them tonight. They're a fun group (wow, sound like my mom there)..
Well, I'm going to go watch Hannah and her sisters...I've already done enough work for today.
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