Today the silence that broke gave me a heart attack

My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.

And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title

Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?

Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.

I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...