Final Stage: Acceptance

Since my escape home from Bard for the weekend, I realized I had to accept what happened between Braden and I. I emailed him a few days ago (a reply I did not receive, but hopefully he understands)...and apologized for my behavior. He's happy and that's all that counts. I care about him enough to let him be happy and not to be miserable. Maybe everything happens for a reason.
As for the process of my play, writing the scene I had envisioned about Braden and I was very emotional. I feel somehow obsessive now that I write about him. But in truth, the play wouldn't have taken place if I hadn't gotten to know him. He was the inspiration for the play, and to not put him in would be ruining all the ideas I have had since november when the idea first popped into my head. There are lines in the play that make me seem pathetic.
"Well, I’m going to say it again, I love you. (Shouts) I love you Braden! I don’t care who fucking hears me; I love you even if you do have a batman plush toy on your bed"
But, people...it's just a play. This statement is utter fiction and always will be. Let me say it again, It's a play. I never loved Braden, nor would I be as intimate with him as I am in this play. It's an idea, a passing thought. Maybe I wish I did love him, maybe I would...nah, best not think about it. It's just a play, mere drama.
I just wanted to apologize to everyone...I feel like I apologize for all my actions too much because I have to. It's always my fault that something doesn't go wrong...it's been that way ever since I can remember. So, I accept the blame and move on...It's not that bad.
Lyin in my pjs on a saturday night watching "Sister Act" on the WB is the ultimate life I thought I would live. I had a passing thought about getting my phd today...I'm sure that's not going to happen. I also had a passing thought, a serious one, about Cornell's journalism program after Bard. Then I laughed to myself.
Maybe the authorities are right in saying that I am a soccer mom. Should I just give up and accept my fate like I've accepted so many other things? Should I just realize that I am woman, and I will drive a mini van and have children with generic biblical names like John and Sarah? Or should I rebel against what people think...and go to Cornell, go get my phd, and maybe, quite possibly become something of an academic? Rebel against what people are thinking and stay mad at Braden?
No, staying mad at Braden would just be stupid. He's happy...and he should be happy. I feel as though ever since Braden and I have, whatever you want to call it...the suite has been colder, less inviting...Josh, Casey, Kelly, Sara...Lord knows I respect them so much, and think of them as some of the greatest people at Bard...I just feel like there's no sense of bonding anymore. Like we've been down this road before and everything was all puppies and kitties when Braden and I were together, or trying to be together. Lord, I should have seen Braden and I would be doomed. He was practically in tears when he told me he wanted to 'give it a shot' in his muffled disjointed speech...and I just held him and told him not to cry, like I was his mother. I am no one's mother. But, not doomed, what am I mean is...oh goddamnit, I don't know what I mean. I never know what I mean. I'm like Braden, he says one thing but it means something else.
Too much drama in my life...I need to slow down, take a breath...and enjoy what little sanity I have left.