It's snowing out today and I lay in bed and watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" and fretted about my sexual well being.

Last night I made a call to John Francis O'Leary, my ex boyfriend who would like to bathe in money and womanize while drinking Grand Marnier (because it doesn't burn like cognaq does) and driving by himself on the Saw Mill Parkway remembering when he was a freshman, me and him had a fight while I drove him back from seeing Tom Stoppard's "Arcadia" with Anthony and my soon to be boyfriend Joshua Brinn (who was deathly afraid of being cheated on...and he was a year older than me but he acted like he was a 30 year old man...just the way John does now...John is taking me to Paris one of these days and then he becomes the womanizer he dreams about...Lord only knows where I will be when this happens, probably poor and pulling out my hair) But I told John the whole Braden (John calls him "The 12 year old with the strange name) and I told John how it struck me as odd the way Braden is just like when John was quote "A little kid" when we started to bring on the good old blue couch days. It was really four years ago, and he was fourteen and I was seventeen. But John practically demanded that this 12 year old with the strange name seemed like a guy who needed the "Sauter Experience" pretty badly. But there's something about John that's very enticing. Maybe it's because he's so hard to read. He carries himself with this sexual air that makes me because I'm a woman, melt with glee. But of course, I always get the feeling that John does not really care about me that much. Maybe I should throw away this notion, but it seems that if he emailed me and that he blames himself for our relationship failure (well it's my fault too, seeing that I am now at college and it's hard for him to just go to Annandale) But I dont know, we're going to see each other this Friday night. His parents are going to the office Christmas party...so I am worried that maybe I'm making the wrong choice.
But I realized something after watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" John is like Hugh Grant...all studly and cute and sexually smart and everything he does is just so right...but he needs that from every girl. Braden is like Colin Firth (well...not really but kind of) with the wrong things to say at the wrong time...and the awkwardness but still...there's something so good about him that you feel relieved that he's there with you.
So...what will it be Emily? Sex in John's bed with the Ansel Adams pictures on the wall and all the perverted talk? Or a man who is desperate need of some form of revelation and awakening but you're too scared to give it to him because you're afraid you're going to turn him into someone that you don't need right now.
As Garrison Holmes says in Operation Tactful Evolution:
"I'm as confused as you are"