wheels out in wheelchair wearing a dunce hat and swinging a cat
"I'm Emily and I'm the biggest idiot ever..."

Look, I'll be honest with you people because I care about the people who read this (well, MOST of the people who read this) and I think it's good to be honest and nothing beats honesty unless honesty beats you first...whatever that means.
So anyway, it happened over break with a man by the name of Colin Brady Donegan. And see, the thing is that he has a girlfriend (and not a fine one, may I add...) and Colin and I have a history...a history of quiet sexual banter, disturbing staring contests, sexual frustration stemming back a good six years. We are friends now and he's a really nice guy, college has really mellowed him out. But we still have all this sexual frustration and since we wanted to be friends, we decided that we had to "get it out of the way" so it wouldn't happen again. Okay, you can tell me I was stupid in doing that, and maybe I did it for a stupid reason. It kills me why I actually did it. Because I thought that since I'm dating Braden, I'm not going to be able to see unbridled lust and passion for a long time so I thought I should get all the ideas out of my head. I pictured my relationship for the first time with Braden as going down a long dark path where I wouldn't be able to be free again. You certainly shouldn't date someone if you believe dating them is like throwing yourself off the plank into shark infested waters.
After Colin's three minutes of "we shouldn't be doing this" ended...my brain began to think, "is Braden what I really want" or do I want to float from man to man like I did back in the day...and if ever getting a boyfriend, I would immediatly cheat on him. I should have learned my lesson in the Delta High School parking lot that it's not okay to cheat on your boyfriend but getting threatened didn't even stop me.
From someone with a fear of intimacy...how can I continue this reckless path!
I told Braden last night everything I'm telling you all now. And all I know is that I don't know anything. I am the biggest idiot ever.
So this weekend, when I watch Alex and his gun totin' gal smile in each other's arms...I'm going to shed some tears, because it seems that everyone can find happiness (even jerks like Alex) while I could find happiness but I keep fucking it up. I care about Braden, but it seems that I would rather have the path of the 2nd rate whore than to be the girlfriend of one of the smarest and most adorable boys I know.