So the secret's out!

My family and I were sitting in a plastic booth at Friendlys around the screaming of children when she leans over and asks me "who's the new boy?"
How did she know about Braden? So instead of denying everything...I told her everything in this unexcited voice. "yes he's from Seattle...he's a film major...he's 22..." I was waiting for this time for the family to dig into my college life yet I didn't think it would take place at Friendlys.
I don't mind that the family knows...there isn't much to know. I haven't talked to Braden since the 23rd...I don't know how to take that. I miss him...yeah I know all my stupid blogs will just annouce "I miss Braden..." and then the next day, "I miss Braden..."
I found my old journal on the floor today and I read my Indiana entry and almost started to cry. A year ago today...right now actually I was sitting in the Starbucks in Indianapolis reading "Another Roadside Attraction" by Tom Robbins, waiting for Alex and his stupid parents to drive up in the Cadillac and Alex would come in wearing his full dress uniform and rather than hugging him, I just looked at him and said "What the hell are you wearing?"
Anyway...when I was cleaning my room, I read the journal entry from Indiana and teared up. The title of the section was called, "Let it all be a joke, please???"
"Today is the first day for the rest of your life. As I return to my bubble...I remember my middle western holiday for many things...things you can't talk about with anyone but laught to yourself. What did it all mean to me? Not much...oh no...I see...A relationship is only as good as the people in it. I awoke to the angelic face of victory...and also awoke a sleeping giant. Please forgive me because my eyes no long see militant value...what was is not...what I saw burned in flames on the relization and epiphany of free-will, a beautiful and capable goddess that, when attracted to another human is banished from society in clouds of smoke."

What does it mean? Lord only know...back then I was full of emotion and didn't know that I was slowly turning into a puddle. But it symbolizes the intensity of confusion that I was starting to feel.

There's a quote scribbled near the binding that I had completely fogotten until now...
"The best Doctor I ever had helped me through alcohol poisoning...then I did him."
Why was I so thrilled about what I had done when clearly I saw Alex's face turn into Satan's in only a few short hours because of my actions. I could pepper my life full of "what if..and if onlys" but clearly the fact that it still, after a year...burns deep inside me...
The next section is called "A Justification of Actions" but there's nothing there...
I only hope that Alex did what he said he was going to do...
punch Johnny and take a picture for me...

Fuck you AOL!

Today Kevin and Sean bravely set up my computer with wireless connections so I'll be online basically all the time now! I can't wait. I had hamburger helper tonight and it made me think of the Suite F days but since it was at home, it really wasn't the same.

Last night I had a camp reunion and Kim Wiggin pinched my butt (which I was against) but it was still good to see her. I'm thinking of setting up Matt Stern, sexually confused sweetheart with Mr. Aylen himself. I thought Matt needs a teacher and what better teacher than J. Oliver Aylen, master of homosexuality (he would like to think he was at least). We'll see how the cards play out. I'm just thinking for Jesse's sake for our Suite F orgy.

I don't know how I feel about vacation so far. I've been up to my knees in pharmacy work but making money has really been my number 1 priority. I see money as a good thing...

Well, I don't really have much to comment on...I'm just happy about this wireless connection and I want to shout it from the rooftops...
"Honey, what rhymes with blueballs?"

Merry Everything!

Here I am listening to Prokofiev's War and Peace on CD (3 CD's and libretto! I feel so cultured) on my new very fancy room CD player. Christmas was a good experience for me...the relatives stayed only a few shorts hours because of the snow and so that left time for watching "A Christmas Story" and episodes of Trading Spaces! The best gift so far was the family gift...wireless networking for the house! So now I won't have the deal with a heartless corp. like AOL ever again! YAY!
Last night Casey and I talked orgies for Suite F. I think maybe in a few months, the Suite F crew will be ready for something good, like an orgy of sorts. Maybe it isn't a good idea...but I just thought it would certainly an adventure, that's for sure.
It's only been five days and I can't stand it any longer! I miss Bard! I miss Braden more! It's been a few days since I talked to him (2 days...feels like 2 weeks). I have a nasty case of longing and desire! Well, we'll see what is in store for Emily Steele Sauter in January...
As for the Holidays here in CT...it's snowing like the dickens...you hear me, LIKE THE DICKENS (sorry...achewood reference) and we're supposed to get 4 inches or something...Bard's getting a FOOT! HOORAY FOR THE WHITE STUFF!
Well I hope everyone had a merry Christmas...I'm going to sit in my semi warm house and probably fall asleep in front of the TV watching some fucking Christmas Special!
"Merry Christmas Bedford Falls!"

Another day in CT...

Last night I went to bed at 3 AM, trying to think about what had just happened. Colin Donegan, a fixture in high school had left the house 75 minutes prior and I was trying to figure out what had just gone on. Colin and I had one of those sexually frustrating relationships in high school and I figured that nothing was going to change. He came over and gave me a big hug and we went downstairs and watched Lilo and Stitch (good movie!) and then proceeded to just sit in the dark basement and talk for about two hours. He's really matured from the jerk who lead me on in high school. I felt really glad to just sit with him and talk to him about everything. When he left around 1:45 AM, I was pretty sad. Why hadn't I seen that Colin was a decent guy? He promised we would hang out again and I said that would be great. I really did have a great time with him.
I went online to see if anyone was on and Braden was. It was great to talk to him too. I was thinking about spending money to see him in Seattle as Monica suggested but Braden (aka awesome hot boyfriend...don't ask) is really busy. So I thought about it...and I'm thinking of going to the Keys for a few days to hang out with Jesse! If I can get my schedule worked out...I'm going to go! YAY!
I have work soon for the next five hours. Ready to help the dandy rich old Republican men of my town with their viagra. How come rich old men are gettin' it on and my boyfriend is all the way in Seattle!
Tonight we're playing "Never have I ever" and I'm pretty nervous about it. I don't know why...I just am.
Oh well...I'm going to watch high schoolers drink. That's pretty entertaining.

Home in Connecticut...

My grandmother came to dinner tonight and my mother sent me to go pick her up in Greenwich in her posh assisted living home that costs 600,000 dollars a year to live there. She's a Southern Belle by nature and if you bash the South, she'll tear you a new one. It doesn't matter that she's 85, she would still tear you a new one. Being home isn't so bad I guess. My drive home was eventful to say the least. There was a LARGE accident on the Taconic and they were closing it down obviously because someone had died. So I was sent into this large line of cars and unknowing of where I was going, travelled a nice detour through fishkill and into some other small towns. New York is a nice place.
I miss Bard so much. I miss Braden even though our relationship consists mainly of serious convesations of how crazy we are. Usually the normal Bard relationship means slipping between the sheets. Braden and I sit and look at each other and shake. Not normal, but reassuring that we'll grow together.
My grandma gave me 150 bucks for Christmas...so I'm going to buy Pink Floyd CDs...all of them...well the early ones that is. And learn all the words. I almost know all the words to the Wall and I know all the words to Dark Side...
I love Pink Floyd...because everything runs into everything else, like one giant song. And everything has hidden meanings. The Wall especially...sometimes I find myself crying when they sing "Nobody Home" and you hear the busy signal over and over again...it's just powerful.
Well off to spend. Work tomorrow...nervous as ever for it. But I'm sure i'll get into the Grieb's groove as soon as I get there.
Miss you bard kids!

No more classes! YAY!

Yesterday Braden surprised me by handing me a picture of himself saying, "Remember, you're awesome." It was in response to my Christmas present to him of a picture of me looking cross saying, "Remember you're 22." I put it in the back of my journal so I can stare at it during intersession like a fool. Yesterday all the Suite F folk saw "The Two Towers" all dressed in their garb (I loved the fact they went in costume to the movies...it was cute...very cute...almost absurdly cute) and apparently as Kelly said it was "All kinds of awesomeness." I haven't seen the first one yet so I didn't think I should go see the 2nd one and then see the first one, that wouldn't work. It's like right now I'm reading The Sportswriter by Richard Ford. I read Independece Day, the Pulitzer winning sequel first and now am finding myself wishing I had read Sportswriter first, but Independence Day was just an amazing book, I think I read it in about 4 days I believe. So now I am telling myself, do things in order...do not skip steps.
Tomorrow I go home, back to Connecticut where I shall remain for the next six weeks. I will still be typing away in my blog...weeping for some Bardians to talk to me and tell me that soon we can all go back to Bard and I won't have to work at the Pharmacy anymore.
For all of you who care...I'm mostly better from my bout of a nasty sinus infection (lousy shitty dorm). It helped that I drugged myself full of the NyQuil and slept for 12 hours straight. My government professor was upset at me because I wasn't doing research for my partial birth abortion paper, but no bother. I have till Xmas Eve to finish that beauty.
Well all of you kids...Emily is leaving the Bardland tomorrow at noon...
it's been a good semester...
Next time you'll hear from me, I'll be watching the History Channel with a tub of ice cream and my cat Spoo sitting by my side...

So editing my paper last night has made me sick...
I don't understand why I keep getting ill here...maybe because the dorm is a sack of shit, I don't know. But nonetheless, I feel utterly worthless. I kept having dreams of editing and I sat up and bed right quick and screamed, "No!" and Porter wakes up and looks at me and says, "Are you okay?" My dreams from when I'm sick are the worst. They always seem to make me feel like I'm dying. I remember being sick on Christmas once and my dreams were all about having a nice Christmas dinner, with close ups on the turkey and mashed potatoes and everything looked so green and beautiful. I woke up crying for whoever it was to stop torturing me. Last night was no exception...I was tortured and all I could see was stacks of papers that needed to be edited.

Today is a long day and I'm sick. If you read this, come visit me and comfort me while I waste away in Tremblay 102...I should be here from 3 o'clock onward.
Glad everyone is healthy....except me.

It's snowing out today and I lay in bed and watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" and fretted about my sexual well being.

Last night I made a call to John Francis O'Leary, my ex boyfriend who would like to bathe in money and womanize while drinking Grand Marnier (because it doesn't burn like cognaq does) and driving by himself on the Saw Mill Parkway remembering when he was a freshman, me and him had a fight while I drove him back from seeing Tom Stoppard's "Arcadia" with Anthony and my soon to be boyfriend Joshua Brinn (who was deathly afraid of being cheated on...and he was a year older than me but he acted like he was a 30 year old man...just the way John does now...John is taking me to Paris one of these days and then he becomes the womanizer he dreams about...Lord only knows where I will be when this happens, probably poor and pulling out my hair) But I told John the whole Braden (John calls him "The 12 year old with the strange name) and I told John how it struck me as odd the way Braden is just like when John was quote "A little kid" when we started to bring on the good old blue couch days. It was really four years ago, and he was fourteen and I was seventeen. But John practically demanded that this 12 year old with the strange name seemed like a guy who needed the "Sauter Experience" pretty badly. But there's something about John that's very enticing. Maybe it's because he's so hard to read. He carries himself with this sexual air that makes me because I'm a woman, melt with glee. But of course, I always get the feeling that John does not really care about me that much. Maybe I should throw away this notion, but it seems that if he emailed me and that he blames himself for our relationship failure (well it's my fault too, seeing that I am now at college and it's hard for him to just go to Annandale) But I dont know, we're going to see each other this Friday night. His parents are going to the office Christmas party...so I am worried that maybe I'm making the wrong choice.
But I realized something after watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" John is like Hugh Grant...all studly and cute and sexually smart and everything he does is just so right...but he needs that from every girl. Braden is like Colin Firth (well...not really but kind of) with the wrong things to say at the wrong time...and the awkwardness but still...there's something so good about him that you feel relieved that he's there with you.
So...what will it be Emily? Sex in John's bed with the Ansel Adams pictures on the wall and all the perverted talk? Or a man who is desperate need of some form of revelation and awakening but you're too scared to give it to him because you're afraid you're going to turn him into someone that you don't need right now.
As Garrison Holmes says in Operation Tactful Evolution:
"I'm as confused as you are"

It took us two hours to finish what we started...

We lay in bed, my head sitting my lap...and I was shaking...I hadn't shaken like that Blake in the field in April.
We wanted to go for it...we just wanted to throw caution to the wind, to ravage ourselves with the pent up passion from months and years of sexual inactivity. But there was prison glass between us, invisible force fields that were holding us apart.
So I did what i usually do in cases like this...talk about past sexual conquests. I told him about Ned Breen and his "irrational hypothesis" to Johnny Garrison's gold pick up and leather jacket. I told him about hooking up with John on the infamous "blue couch" (I regard the blue couch days as one of the best memories of high school...too bad we've graduated to the "big bed") and while we were watching Cops and John is on top of me, all I can hear ringing through my head was the cop yelling, "Freeze! Put your hands in the air!" And there he was, staring at me with his icy blue eyes, hanging on my every word.
After two hours of just talking...I got up to leave and put on my shoes. We just looked at each other, the awkardness is pretty painful for us...all of a sudden he shrugged and kissed me. And it wasn't a bad kiss either...it was one of those ones that makes you smile. But we've decided that I have to sort things out at home before I become Braden's girlfriend and plus, he'll be in Seattle working on animation while I'm in CT working at the pharmacy, and with five days left...I dont think there's much we can do to jump start a relationship...

But you heard it here first boys and girls: Braden Daniel Lamb and Emily Steele Sauter...we took the plunge into the real world.
Looks like I won the bet Porter Hovey...so let's go to the French restaurant...

Ethan told me to be more "cinematic..."

So I guess everyone out there in the world wants to know what happened last night with Braden. Well, I'll tell you...but the story is pretty meladramatic, so brace youselves for it okay?

So I got pretty drunk and so did Braden...because everyone was banking on the alcohol to get us "together"
We were sitting on his bed and I started ranting about how i had put him in my cartoon and how he can't "explain his feelings" and whatnot. And he just looked at me and told me, "About that...I don't want to sound like a jerk and I like you and all...BUT" yeah, that awful BUT was in there...so I told him I understood (which I didn't) and I just looked into his childlike eyes and told him it was okay, but I also warned that maybe he should think about growing up. The minute I closed the door, my eyes filled up with tears. I went into the other suite to grab my coat. Everyone was waiting for me, "So how did it go?"
"Oh about that...well I got rejected so I think this party has ended for me." I grabbed my coat, still roaring drunk...and ran out the door into the pouring rain with no umbrella. I muttered all the way back to Tremblay like an old man, the blisters on my feet were starting to form and I could feel the blood seep into my shoes...they still hurt so much as I write this. I got back to Tremblay and Porter held me while I cried soaked with rainwater. I hated this...why did he have to string me along? Why did everything have to happen this way? I deserved more dignity than this, subjected to waiting all this ime for a 22 year old to grow up. I called Jesse in tears and in anger and he had told me Kelly had just sternly talked to everyone about how they shouldn't make fun of Braden.
I decided that maybe I should go back in the rain to explain myself to people. So out I went into the rain again, my shoes still filling with blood, tears streaming down my face...my mind an utter blur of what had happened today.
Previously this day I received an email from my ex boyfriend and old best friend John O'Leary. It had been since August since we ummm..."enjoyed his parent's bed to the fullest" and tben he hadn't talked to me afterward, making me feel used and upset (when I ever not feeling used??) But the email kindly stated that he didn't mean what he did, that he was a jerk...and that our relationship...maybe need another go at it because he still cares about me. Oh no...this can't be happening to me...John picked the wrong night to talk me into a relationship again...but something about him was enticing and I dont know why...
But as I thought about everything that had happened, I ended up at the doors of Suite F with my mind buzzing. I told everyone about our situation, that people shouldn't be mad and all...everyone gave me a hug...that's when I decided that maybe Braden should know the truth. So while he was in the bathroom, I sat on his bed in the dark...waiting for him to come out and when he did...it wasn't like he was surprised to see me.
I wish I could remember the whole conversation but I cant. But all i remember is him shaking in the doorway while I told him it was wrong to string me along...and that if he didn't want a relationship, he should have told me eariler so I didn't have to waste my time with someone who doesn't know anything about a relationship and doesn't want to learn. There he was, just standing in the doorway...shaking like a leaf in the doorway. And I just looked at him with all my anger and walked over to him and hugged him. We stayed in each other's arms...not able to speak, not able to say anything...we were just crying because it was so messed up and complicated. He couldn't get any words out, everything was choked up in his throat...finally he said, "I want to give it a shot."
"you're only saying that because I just yelled at you for being a jerk...you're just saying that. Look at you! You look awful...I can see you're not ready for this..."
And he just stayed in my arms trembling like a dog telling me he wanted to "give it a shot..." and I kept telling me that you're only saying that because you're afraid...you dont know what you want.
So I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek..."You need to think about what's best for you...not me...I've been down this road before...but you haven't, so it's important you know what you're getting into." We just looked at each other again and he told me to come back tomorrow (well i guess that's today)...and we would figure out what was best for both of us.
I went back into the party just as Braden's little sister got back from NYC and I told her what had happened. She took my hand and told me "Never has anyone persued my brother so well than you have...he's exactly what you need..." Even Jami was rooting for me...
The night ended when I became sober enough to drive and gave my friend Kate a ride back to the new toasters. We sat in the car and she told me what I should do...she's really awesome, and I'm glad she's turned into one of my good friends...

I went to sleep last night with the idea that I could have the mirror that the beast had in "Beauty and the Beast..." So i could see everyone. I told me to show it Braden and it showed a small child crying on his bed...looking like he had punished

Soon enough....the party will comence...

I am so excited I sound like a Jersey Girl

But nonetheless, excited to drink and "make merry" if you know what I mean

We got five inches of thick snow and now everything is all muddy and gross.

TOMORROW
I am gearing myself up for tomorrow's night party...I can't stop thinking about how drunk we're going to get and how much fun we're going to have. The alcohol is bought, the room is going to be cleaned, cups will be washed, everything is going to be put on ice and we're going to have a blast.
I can't stop thinking of the good times we're going to have.
Drinking=Braden
I hate planning this sort of date rape, but I'm not slipping anything into his drink...I'm just going to encourage him to drink...a lot!
Nothing wrong with drinking and taking advantage of the situation right?
But then that makes me Johnny Garrison..

Speaking of Johnny Garrison...I found out Alex is bringing his girlfriend to Indiana! Didn't he learn his lesson the first time? I mean, I still remember sitting in the church in Logansport...having lunch at the Holiday Inn, watching soft core porn and eating pizza with the cousins, watching Caddyshack at Uncle Eric's house...and now, he's bringing girl #2 to Indiana and he's not nervous? I'm nervous for her! Well, if she survives Muncie and Logansport with Alex wearing that orange shirt from his grandfather's closet, I will personally go and shake her hand. Just because I survived, it doesn't mean I dont have scars. Don't get me wrong, Alex's family was really nice and I miss them sometimes on lonely nights but they looked at me like I was a democrat from New England. Somehow that really bothered me that regionalism came into it. Plus all the Johnny Garrison stuff...oh and dont forget the Delta High Parking lot...Why Alex laughs about that night really scares me. I seriously thought I would have to use that "I fell down the stairs" excuse to explain why I got the shit kicked out of me.

Off to go watch "Die Another Day"
Best Bond Innuendo: "I thought Christmas came only once a year"

It's really snowing outside...
and here I am, typing on not my computer...

I was in a great mood today...we bought alcohol and baking supplies...and then the ice started to fall and my mind started to leave me.
I don't know what it is: maybe my stressful day or Braden's sexual stupidity or the fact that maybe my computer will eat all my word files and i'll never see "Operation Tactful Evolution" again...

who knows...I just need to go to bed and dream away my night and pretend nothing bad ever happened to my computer and its smiling happily at me.
I knew this would happen someday...my computer's been itching to fuck me over since it came in that large box

So my computer is officially busted (notice that I'm not on my computer...my computer is out of work now until it can be "updated")
Now I have to mooch other computers to get work done


Man does my life ever suck

On a higher note: I got into Playwriting! I'm also taking Acting, Satire with Senor Dullface (Dewsnap honk honk), Alexander the Great history class, and American Studies class

Learning will be ever so sweet next year

Okay...

As I sit on Porter's bed using her laptop (my computer decided to rebel against me but don't worry...He'll get what's for soon) and listening to Eminem, I guess today was a pretty good day.
I didn't think it was going to be a good day though when I saw Alex come out of the elevator at West Point today. But you know what? We seem to hate each other, but it really isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Though I hate Alex for a lot of things, that's the past. Alex will always be somewhat of a crazy decision. Today I found out his great grandmother past away and I was so sad about it. I met his great grandmother when I was in Indiana and she was an amazing lady. She was 94 though and lived a full life. She was telling me stories in the sunroom about Florida back in 20's and I remember telling me when we left in the Raggio's Catera that she told me i was a lovely lady. She was probably the only person in Indiana who truly liked me and now she's dead.
Going back to West Point was fine for me. My westpointophobia is pretty much gone. All that shit is in the past now. And Alex even says that Braden is a good guy and he's happy for me. He did tell me I was crazy though...I told him the only crazy thing I did was date him.

So there you have it...Alex might love guns and the memories of him in the Delta High parking lot still haunt my dreams...something good might come out of all of this
Focusing on the past is bullshit too...i mean, it's never going to happen to you again...so why care?

On a another unrelated topic...there is a birthday party in the hallway and I need to go to the bathroom but there are too many people outside...
This stinks

So here I am in the suite!
Ross is telling me that I need to jump Braden...


just wait until Friday...
God I hope he doesn't read this

So I'm blasting Britney Spears really loud right now...but I don't care. I have been really productive today, getting my government text done AND typing four pages of my Kennedy paper. I really have to get a lot of work done because I'm going to West Point tomorrow to fence. And I'm not afraid! Take that Army!

Braden and I are watching "Empire Strikes Back" tonight after dorchestra...because its his favorite Star Wars
Now all of you, my loyal readers...must be asking...what the fuck Emily? First you're "head over feet" and then you're pissed and now you're watching (gasp) EMPIRE with him? I mean, what the hell is going on here!!!!

Answer to that question: go watch Never been Kissed and you'll understand...

Just a thought:

I've been listening to a lot more pop music...
there's a Britney Spears song I actually like now...

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO EMILY SAUTER!

Let's talk about Sex

With Jesse magically turning himself into Freud this evening, we ended up with a strange conversation in our laps. "Why do we have sex?" was the potent question at hand. It's been a while since I have slept with someone (almost a year if you count the unpleasantness) so I couldn't really answer the question, but as I watched Captain Von Trapp kiss the young nun Maria and my eyes filled with tears, I wanted to be able to answer that question for myself.
But I can't now.
Today was a sexual day for the world. Kevin asked me out today. This didn't really come as a shock, but somehow...it did. I love Kevin because he is me. We can watch musicals, sing the same songs, be the same...but distance is an issue. Plus I am head over feet for Braden Lamb who Kevin calls 'Batman'. Let me say it again, I am "head over feet" sorry I was listening to that song right now...There is no one as pure, loyal and beautiful as he can be. But as for Kevin, sweetheart...don't despair...I still care deeply about you.
I found out my best friend lost his virginity this weekend...and he told me it felt right. So congrats Sean, we've officially switched places.
As for Braden, it'll be a long time before I'll be answering Jesse's sexual ponderings...but when it does happen, I'll be able to say that sex is an understanding of where you stand and how much you care...hopefully with Braden, i'll get to understand the genius of why he is the way he is.
Because to me, he is fascinating
Welcome back to the drama of "Two Nerds in Love"

Last night I worked on my new painting:

It doesn't have a name but I truly enjoy it. When I get my digital camera working again...I'll take a picture of it.
The thing I hate about my life is that when I'm knee deep into a relationship...the men come out of the woodwork and tell me they are attracted to me. Of course I wouldn't call Braden a "relationship..." more a "confusing ball of riddles"
Don't worry...I get back at him for his childish behavior in the Observer!
At least he's going away this weekend...leaving me a clean suite watching Sound of Music in without worry!

I dont really know what to say now...all I know is that for a girl...I really don't hide anything at all.

Extra Extra! Read all about it! Emily and her "secret crush" have talk to discuss being "more than friends" on the playground!

"Two Nerds in Love" doesn't exist anymore...
let's just get one thing straight here...Indiana messed me up. I hate Johnny and Alex for what they did to me and how they took my courage and my ideals and my hope that the world was decent and flushed it down the toilet along with my soco ranked vomit.
I've wanted to get over my problem and with the use of therapy, I seem to be getting better to understanding why I am the way I am after New Years 2002. And through my false love of Pete Schiller, the 50 year old man stuck in a 15 year old's body...I thought I was cured. But it occurs to me now, and yes some people have told me this...I go for the safe ones. Ones I know who could never mistreat a woman.
so go to college looking for the safe one and who do you get? That's right: Braden Lamb.
I adore Braden for his dry wit...his love of Clerks animated...but just by looking at his room, his side parted hair (a friend of mine told me any guy who parts his hair on the side has problems) and his love for cartoons. But Braden, like Kevin says, is stuck in a pre pubescent world of dinosaurs and leggos. He is, unforunately like me in that he hides behind a journal full of cartoon worlds. His character is Stephanie the duck...mine is Annie Viller...hiding in your journal can be caustic to your life. Lord knows I resent Annie for what she did to me. She stole my social fabric.
Braden and I are two boats drifting apart...a fine metaphor...or any metaphor will do at least. We're two socially awkward kids in a world where what we watch on TV is the norm. I am 19 years old...I should be having sex with many people I dont know. I tried that...and look where that got me. So society is full of shit.
Braden just turned 22 years old...by America's standards he should be getting a job...going out with the boys and getting a beer...hitting on younger women, watching sports. Braden is a social drinker yes, I applaud him that he knows how to drink like a man. But sadly i must confirm that that's all that makes him a man. Other than that he's but a small child in a world that frightens him
So what happens now? Patience fellow viewers...
For I'm sure this is only the beginning of a socially awkward journey into romance

I pay 38,000 dollars a year...to get sick

Yeah, that's right...a pipe burst in Olin Hall leaving all the classrooms freezing. The temp. outside was 15 degrees and indoors, it was about the same. Ever take notes with mittens on? That's right...you dont need to because you go to a responsible college or what not...

Braden put a hat and goggles on me and told me I was hot...for the first time ever he has advanced some hint that he's sexually attracted to me. Finally!
I even watched Batman tonight, sitting in his clean room with dinosaurs sitting on the dressers and thought provoking posters on the walls. And his bed, is always made with a nice green bedspread...he's a 22 year old guy, his room should be a mess!
But I digress...
With nothing to digress about other than I'm sick from learning (literally) and sick of waiting for the child to crawl out of diapers and into a man (Figuratively)
I'm just sick...sick...sick...sick...

Back at Bard- but with all sorts of things going on!

I locked my keys in the car (but i didn't really) and the sheriff of Red Hook took the time to open my car for me and then i found them sitting on my bed. So I win the jerkass award this week.
Since I left my cello here over the weekend, there is a large crack in the middle of it...which is going to be expensive and not very fun to fix
I have too many hard papers to write and not enough time to write them

That's all the bad stuff: but on the other hand "Two Nerds in Love" has been going pretty well...
I mean, when the soda machine wouldn't give me a coke he told me he'd kick its ass...which was sweet
and he did tell me he'd write my observer article for me...that was nice too

It seems that it'll happen soon, just whenever we grow up to do anything about it is uncertain

My dream was a classic Emily's messed up nightmare kind of thingy.

First of all, it was set at West Point. I mean, that's just perfect, right? It was me and a bunch of little kids and we were flying out of West Point for somewhere, I don't really remember. And one of the kids was a quiet little boy who had some issues. The other girls were watching him. We all boarded the plane and West Point Jason was there.
"I have a funny feeling about this ride" he told me. The plane took off but lost all altitude and slammed into a large pine tree and then into the Hudson below. The door opened and Jason and I swam to the surface, I was barely alive when we reached the top. Everyone in the plane had petrified into little glass animals. Then we heard a cackle. A small officer's child, the kid with issues, was standing in full dress uniform on the bluffs with mechanical gear screaming, "It comes down to this! I will kill you one day Emily...and all your dreams will now be nightmares."
Jason and I dried off and were mourning the loss of the dead at the West Point club when everything turned black and white and the kids face turned to me from outside with his father playing on the lawn.
"Am I crazy?" I asked Jason and he told me I was and to watch out for myself.

What is wrong with me!

"What I do, when lightning strikes me?"

I've been drugged all day...by one little tiny Dimetapp 12 hour allergy relief. My life flashed before my eyes in the car ride from Darien to the city today to see "The Goat" with Sally Field. She breaks a lot of shit in that play...it's pretty awesome. I was sitting at the table at Jo Allen restaurant with my cousin and his girlfriend Gloria. I do enjoy Gloria, because when I talk to her, she makes me sound like a gossipy Italian Jersey woman, just like her. Except we were talking Faulkner and speech therapy and not hair and nails. Gloria nudged me and asked me if I was still with Alex and I made a disgusted face. She then asked if there was someone else.
And what could I tell them? Telling them that Braden is my boyfriend is a lie...but having no one is also a lie. So I just "I don't know...not really"
All of my days I have been searching for closure from everything from Indiana to Braden. I just want answers, not having to be damn Nancy Drew and snoop around for clues. It took me 9 months to find out what REALLY happened in Indiana and now, I have to tip toe, begging the Suite F kids for clues to figure out how to get Braden to be mine...
All weekend, especially now that I'm drugged up good, I've been dreaming of the way to get him to submit into the arms of Emily Sauter (and I know there are a lot of you out there that are feeling sorry for Braden if he ever ends up with me...that he should stay this clean slate forever, well let me tell you something...I'm not the thing anyone of you remember me by...I've been harden by life...) My ideas are pretty bad. But I think all it will take is a little batman and some "fancy footwork." It'll be like Pete Schiller...but with copious amounts of alcohol.

I drew a cartoon of Braden and I'm thinking of turning into a painting. We're standing in a corner and I'm wearing a Harry Potter shirt and I lean over to him and ask, "Hey, how about we act mature for once? You know, you act like you're 22 and i'll be the naive 19 year old?"
You never know, acting our ages could be thrilling!

I threw a dinner party last night...
It was kinda like the Friday night dinners that I usually go to at Bard...but we had a better kitchen and the cooking expertise of my mother and no alcohol. Steak, baked potatos, and make your own brownie sundaes.
We also went to Blockbuster and rented one real movie...and one movie we could make fun of. We rented Monsters Inc. because it's a quality movie...and our fake movie...well let's just say I feel pretty stupid having watched it. That's right...we rented "How High" starring two fine actors, Method Man and Redman. We did laugh a lot because the movie was just rediculous. Maybe I'm a snobby white girl...but I feel stupid having to sit through that. One upside: The love interest was Lisa Turtle from our fav show, "Saved by the Bell." Everyone remember to watch the E! true hollywood story about Saved by the bell on sunday night at 8 PM. I know i'll be watching.
I do miss Bard though...I keep thinking about it...the good side (the suite) vs. the bad side (TERM PAPERS FROM HELL!)
I got my job schedule from the pharmacy for intersession
Come visit me Christmas Eve AND New Years Eve...because i'll be there, giving old people a hard time and eating candy

Thanksgiving baby!

I realize that there isn't really anything to talk about...because I'm sure all your thanksgivings were exactly like mine...the banter of what movies were good (I put in my shout out for Bowling for Columbine, but was blatantly ignored) the registered game of Trivial Pursuit (me and my aunt's nerdy nephew vs. the world...and we lost, big time) and the large bird and mashed potatoes heating on my uncle's wood burning stove.
Just the run of the mill t day...

I'm going to watch chick flicks and feel sorry for myself...
too much pie

Today I woke up at 7AM and outside my window was a winter wonderland...
I got so excited that I turned on the radio and jumped up and down when they said Darien schools were closed. And I stopped and said, "Wait...I'm a sophomore at Bard College..."
I went downstairs and Mom and I decided to make waffles and bacon. Being home isn't bad, it's just that it's cutting off my ability to hang out in Suite F. It's cutting off my ability to be social (though I do have my friends here and I love them dearly)
So now there's nothing to do but wait...let the seconds tick by and the minutes slowly twirl around the clock.

On a typically unrelated topic: Sean called Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash yesterday and none other than THE walt flannigan answered the phone. Sean says he's never washing his phone again. I don't know which Walt Flannigan moment I like best in Kevin Smith's movies but i think it has to be in Dogma outside the abortion clinic

"Fucking baby killers!"
"Tell 'em Steve Dave!"

Home at last...

I don't really want to be here right now...I'd rather be in the folds of Suite F than in the loving arms of my mother. Pathetic, yes...but yet it's been a while since I have felt the feelings I feel now. All this time I thought they had been taken away by the wrongdoers of my past...but now that I have found someone, I am giddy like a middle school girl at a dance...I am quite a sight to see I assure you.
Tomorrow I will be snowbound in my house with nothing but the loud mouth of the TV to keep me occupied.
As for the continued saga of "Two Nerds in Love" --- It should be called "One nerd in love...the other nerd is confused"
I am found that while my feelings for Braden grow, I believe he is growing distant. I know he likes me...he told me so himself, and why would he lie to me! We sit together in silence and stare at walls, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a sign.
I have drawn countless cartoons of me ripping my hair out in anger screaming, "Fuck me!" at the top of my lungs. I am anxious for something, anything to happen...and yet I know that I have to wait, sit here in the confines of the snow and home until I can stare at walls again with him at Bard.
She told me this would happen...but I never thought it would be this difficult...
"Don't you see...let it happen now"

My uncle called me this morning at 9:35 AM...
I was dreaming about flying through sterile rooms when the phone rang. I didn't think it was mine but it was. My uncle owns my old computer from high school and doesn't really know anything about computers. He told me he was writing an article for the Woodstock Times and needed to know how to save it onto a floppy disk. My uncle is one of the most cultured men I know...I admire his knowledge, library, his Victorian garden, his cooking. I just would assume he would be able to figure out how to save to a disk. But I don't hold it against him. I'm just glad I could help him out.

To continue with my saga of "two nerds in love" ---
Braden's twenty-second birthday is thrusday. I'm thinking of getting him a box of Wheat Thins so we can share in my obsession. It doesn't bother me that he's 22 and hasn't done anything sexual in nature in his whole life. I thought that was how I would end up. But for some reason, being near him turns me into a bumbling idiot. In teen movies: when the nerd wants to ask the cheerleader out on the date, he stumbles for words, freudian slips all over the place and ends up falling on his ass while the cheerleader steps on him. That's how I feel. I can't stop myself from saying the dumbest shit! Maybe it's because I am attracted to him or maybe it's because I'm a moron.
I'm just treading lightly around the sexual frustration I guess...
Tune in next time for another story of "Two Nerds in Love"
Same nerdy time
Same nerdy channel

Batman

I drew a picture of Braden in my journal today...looking innocent as always with the caption: "This could get messy"
But I shouldn't say that it's messy. There was another caption: Better than Alex.
Braden doesn't know how to mistreat a woman. Of course, as it was pointed out to me later...does he know how to treat a lady as well?
I could never picture Braden firing a gun or calling me a whore and telling me to bake a pie for him while he quietly sips a shitty warm beer and watches sports.

So what happens now you loyal readers who peer into my life like peering into an animal's glass prison at the zoo? Lord only knows.
We talked about it while we sat on the floor of the old gym. I looked like a secretary from the 1960's...he looked like my boss.
I had been drinking screwdrivers without orange juice and so...like two antisocial wallflowers at the middle school dance, I leaned over to him and told him. "you know, I like you a lot..." I almost said "more than a friend" I swear.
He looked at me with his pretty little boy blue eyes. "So they've told me. Well, I kinda like you too. But I don't really know what to do next. You should come over to my room and watch batman."
Batman...Braden's little obsession. Well I have obsessions: the military, wheat thins, the History channel, Woody Allen movies...
So after watching Batman Returns...will everything be right in the world?
Stay tuned for the next spinetingling story of:
Two Nerds in Love

Welcome to Tremblay

Today I have guests at Tremblay 102...and we all should be asleep on the floor
but NO!

The stoners tonight are louder than they have ever been in my entire life...and I feel awful about it. They're sleeping on the floor while the stoners scream for their bongs and slam doors. What is a girl to do? If I ever date Braden...I'm spending weekends with him in his quiet suite.

He's wearing a purple suit to the ISO. I've always wanted to date a man who wears a purple suit.

It's 3:40 AM...

I have therapy in about 6 hours...but I've been watching "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" with Braden instead of sleeping. Maybe the reason I like him so much is because he watches cartoons just like me but rather he is untouched, untainted by the world and surroundings...Like Pete almost, the "box with airholes" crap. He doesn't have a history of wrongdoings like I do.

Maybe that's what I need...a man with a clean slate to also wipe my misfortunes away...

Today over lunch Jesse told me Operation: Effort was stupid. But didn't I say yesterday that it was? They are "operations" and yes, that has military connotations but aren't I doing what every military has been doing for centuries?
I have a plan...strategic posts, I am the general...
I am going into somewhat hostile territory...where there could be emotional casulties and fatigue
And finally, I must take over this "new land" for my own...thus winning the war

I don't claim to have a military mind and nor would I ever want one...but this just seems to make sense for me and I have proof it works...
And one day, Like Napoleon (though I'm not taking all of Europe, just a small country)...I will be exiled by the nation that I so loved and that's the way life is. But if this were really war...

I wouldn't get to do it again and again until I die

Operation: Effort

It's been a few days since Operation: Effort started...and it's been doing pretty well.
Last night we watched the Ice Storm...
Tonight was kind of a loss but...
Tomorrow is Clerks Animated.

Can I ask you something? You all know it's been a year for me...for having a boyfriend (if you can call whatever I dated a boyfriend) and maybe one day something will happen and everything will be wine and roses...but is this pathetic? I mean, Operation: Effort...is it worth it?
I remember my other Operations...
The 5th Victim: It only took me 24 hours to make Brian Abend mine at summer camp in 2000...he was my "5th Victim" in my entire life to take interest in me.
Peter didn't have an operation name...
Alex probably did...but I don't really remember that relationship much now. Repressing it deep inside me is great.
But now Operation: Effort...
"this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"

Today the silence that broke gave me a heart attack

My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.

And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title

Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?

Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.

I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...

We were under this strange spell that smelt of liquor, sex and violence
Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, because I’m not. I’ve been personally shot by the arrow of no return.

I have realized that I haven't spoken about West Point yet...
But there really isn't anything to say but I was pretty scared to the point of wanting to throw up over McCarthur's statue. But I maintained calm and sat quietly while in the midst of thousands of trained killers. Alex apparently hid in his room while I was there. I thought that was pretty stupid. Why hide from something that doesn't give a shit anymore like me!?
I told Diana and she told me he had "lost something and is acting strange." Then she told me that not talking to him was a stupid thing but everyone was acting stupid...she was so mad she just told me she couldn't deal with it anymore and signed off. I respect Diana so very much...I hate to see her mad at me, but I can't talk to Alex. How can I talk to someone who makes me feel like shit all the time!
I'm watching the Ice Storm tonight with Jesse because I finished my paper faster than expected and got most of my work done from the week. Hopefully, I give it a month, I will be eating with Porter at Le Cunard and being happy.
because making an effot is important in society

Sits up in bed and then lies back down, "What did I do last night???"

Yes, I actually said that, for the first time in my short life. I remember the night like any other night...me and the kids that live in Jesse's suite...lots of vodka and other such alcohol...sitting around, drink...make another drink...drink more. Then someone suggests a game of "Never have I ever"
Although I don't remember the complete night...I remember a lot more than I probably should. Like how Jesse wears Black boxer Briefs and the ages everyone started masturbating...I hardly know the people Jesse lives with and yet, I know when they started wacking off. We live in a great age...
But in a drunken stupor I managed to stumble out my secret crush's name...and everyone was shocked. My secret crush (God, what am I...13? "My Secret Crush"...it's not like he's 12 too...he's 21!) But anyway...I told and so I think, I can't remember...I think they told him. I remember being sad and having them all say, "But Emily, you're hot!" and they lean over to my secret crush and say, "Hey, isn't she hot?" and he says, "Yes she is..." But the thing is, if someone is sad they're not going to say, "No you're not hot you piece of shit..." so I take it for what it's worth I guess...
So when everyone was done being blantantly sexual, we all either started to throw up or we went to bed. My secret crush and company told me i shouldn't drive home and the weather was bad, so I slept there in the suite in a single, a nice warm bed with no stoners around! My secret crush before I went to bed looked at me and said, "You should come hang out with us more often..."
Apparently he's making an effot...so they say...so maybe this dry spell will end soon and Porter and I can finally eat at that awesome French restaurant we made as our goal for hooking up with someone.

Hi! This is Jeremy. I don't have a blog, so all this might not make sense or something. Nevermind. To Trefor - I agree with you that much of Emily's blog is sad. However, her blog is not only sad, but funny, emotional, crazy, intense, awesome, full of Bardy goodness, and well, lets just say its full of pure fun! It has all the elements of a long running television sitcom - good parts, bad parts, and a soon to be 'final' episode that will surely draw as many excited fans as it will exacberated critics.

Anyway, the following is an exerpt from my friend's blog:

MY WORLD! - EVERYONE'S BLOG

Well, today I got up and me had a good time with myself. Me me me. Then I went to MY class where I talked to MYSELF with MY teacher who is ME. It was a good day for ME.

-----------------------------------

That was an exerpt from my friend's blog - she so crazy.

So, Emily is drinking with the Computerly talented people that Jesse lives with. Its a party! We just saw "Bowling for Columbine" the new Michael Moore documentary, it was full of 'goody goodness' to quote one viewer. The New York Times say it is "Better than Emily's cartoons" and the Washington Post claim it is "Like a class with James Romm as a teacher - BUT NO BOTSTEIN!" Well, despite their interesting (and unique) praise for the film, it was a very amazing film.

So, it seems that Jesse has just made Emily "sort of a... a... fuzzy navel" which, if I remember correctly (I was barred from being a bar tender - is that the correct terminology - is that how to spell terminology?) is peach schnappes with a hint of love and a gallon of friendship. Ok, I'm done for now - hopefully this entry encouraged you to continue reading Emily's World... at least for a little while - c'mon we're gonna have to find out who that crush is eventually! I'm casting my vote for Robert Kelly.

A poem by Robert Kelly

Is it thinking?
Or am I dating Emily?

Ok, thats all.
Jeremy

The thing about today is that I realized something...about how my guy radar works...
and now i have a secret crush...but if i tell anyone at Bard they'll make fun of me. But he's just adorable and cute and funny...

Trefor today told me my blog was sad...but it's not crying, the writer is just lonely...so Trefor, while your opinion is valid, why do you read my blog if you're just going to rub it in my face that you're so much more in control of your life than me? I know you are...so the best thing to remedy this is for you to just stop reading...and then you can make fun of someone else and let me have my own opinions.

I'm listening to my music really loud...the stoners are having a party next door...so to combat the pot smell, I'm blasting the olympic team...

"Dude, is the torch passing by or something????"

To give you the extent of my writer's block...here's what I used to be able to accomplish

"I always thought the time would come where I would be faced with a situation that I couldn’t solve and the world would turn around and laugh at me. I never knew how soon that was until now.
I am not being scoffed at, only admired to a point, which is unsure.
No one is around to be weary of me…I am like the world unto itself
Talking is a special…or not so special talent I possess. It seems to me a shamble for me to waste my time when all I know is how my nose hurts and how I am in love with a man I hardly know.
Look at me, I’m not the fat girl in the corner now but mature, able to handle everything but my own imagination, which needs a lasso.
A tall confusion stands in front of me and I can’t do anything about it but get rid of the dark and quiet mystery.
I love you, I really do but what I have now is a man who could treat me like I was actually something and not nothing. Quoting Freud used to be a turn on, but now it’s a useless chore."

It doesn't make sense, but look at the wording, the metaphor! I can't do shit now...
The best phrase I have ever found in my writing was from two years ago:
"I don't cry over spilled words."

The Music Video

I started to walk home from orchestra at 10 PM...the music is Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" and the leaves are falling all around me...the temp. is about 50 degrees, I'm wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans (I look like Eminem...ohhh yeah, that's what I aspire to) and the outside lights are shining this foggy light...and then once that song is over Indigo girls' "Ghost" comes on...I look up at the sky and stop...and there's one star up in the sky...and then I realized I was in the twilight zone...
I felt like I was in a music video, one of those bitchy country singers walking in the dark singing to no one, staring up at the sky to look for inspiration...

It made me feel pretty pathetic...so I ran home, put on Ravel's string quartet and sank back to stare at the curtains my mom made for the room...so if you're ever at Tremblay here at the fabulous Bard college (we have a swingset here at college...we need a slide too, show other colleges that bard really is a place to "think") come over to Tremblay (mind the stoner shit everywhere...fucking losers are glueing barbie dolls to the walls, something Im going to have to pay for) and hang out for awhile...and keep me company while i walk so I don't think I'm in a music video anymore

So I know you loyal bloggers are all dying to know what happened with Konstantin...and so I'll tell you...
Let's go back for a moment and remember Alexander H. Raggio...the unyielding Republican values, the rediculous outbursts of random NRA bullshit...the threats, the intelligence that was wasted on stupid ideals and Pro American morals...all wrapped up inside a man trained by our government through MY tax dollars to kill.
And what does this have to do with Konstantin? Well...let's see, how about THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON! Only of course turn Alex into a nerdish bookworm with a long bilingual vocabulary and socialist, far left Bardian ideals...and Konstantin can't kill (unless of course you know, they're polluting the atmosphere by driving their white SUVs through the Republican Darien Elitist CEO filled valleys of smut and deceit blah blah blah)
I'm sad you know? Because I actually had faith that this guy would understand my American quest, but he's as blind as Alex! Moderates are the only people that get American society because they examine every possible angle! We don't scream and shit our pants when someone gets bombed...and we don't freak out when some asshole Democrat brings up disarming Automatic weapons (ohh no GUN CONTROL AHHHH) That's what sucks about America, Bard, the world...people don't sit back and enjoy the ride, they have to criticize every fucking thing..."Look its a Gucci store, those capitalist pigs" or "Cut the defense budget??? You fucking hippies"
You know what? Why can't we all just get along!
I'm going to bed...I need to fall in love with non partisans

I just got this Crite sheet from Mark Lindeman, my Government prof. It's not the best Crite sheet I've ever gotten but it rings true in a theme that has been a presence in most of my crite sheets: Satire...and it makes me feel all tingly all over!

"Emily is imcomparably the funniest student in the class, and better yet, her funniness is on topic. However Emily is not always very precise in enuciating her arugments; it is possible that she is a bit too concerned with humor at the expense of precision. If she really gets interested in politicial issues, she has a bright future in satirical analysis a la Molly Ivins."

See that...BRIGHT FUTURE...

It's going to be a good day...
Okay, off for lunch, see some old house...and then...CONSTITUTION STATE HERE I COME!

Tomorrow I'm going home for a day and then Saturday night I'm having dinner with West Point Jason...

Today in therapy my therapist asked me what my mother was like and i started to cry...all she asked was "what's your mom like?"
It was weird...

Kevin and Jen are setting me up (they want to at least) with a guy from CT named Konstantin...he's from Russia...and likes Punk music or something i dont know...but its been so long if my computer asked me out i would say yes (but my computer is an asshole...so i dont really know)

I don't really have anything to say other than i should be doing work but i dont want to...but I'm going home tomorrow! YAY

as I woke up after my dream of being the ugliest prostitute ever (I had shoulder hair!)...and the free breast examiner (yeah i dont know what was up with that) telling me I was "fat but fun..." I went online to check how the election went...well, it sucks because now the Republicans have control of the entire American government...
"Well" I thought..."This can't get much worse.."

Well it did get worse...there were no Wheat Thins in the Green Onion Grocer!
This just adds to a cold, rainy and foul day in Bardland...

The only good thing about today was I finally killed the fly that has been terrorizing my room...
Oh, and Porter and I didn't win the lottery...

Suicide is lookin' pretty sweet...or moving to Canada, at least they have universal health care

Maybe its the pounds of pot that my floormates smoke but I had some weird dreams...

I can only remember a few segments of this wacky world that My brain dwells in.
Dream Part #1: Monica and Todd come up to me and talk to me...Todd tells me that he loved using me...Monica agrees

Dream Part #2: The Movie Rudy is now a baseball movie shown on IMAX screens...I am married to Rudy, who I believe is played by some Handsomer version of Jim Carrey...little kids are playing outside and we hook up in front of them...then my body splits into 3 clones and we chase Rudy into a swimming pool...

Dream Part #3: I am part of the cast of the hit NBC show "Friends" where at this very moment, a child molester is trying to attack Ross' Ben and Rachel's beloved Emma. I try to stop him but he comes after me, biting me in the arm and I start to bleed. Chandler, Monica and I are hidden in the bathroom while Rudy, for some reason is there...kicks the child molester in the crotch but The child molester says that his nuts got shot off during Vietnam...Rudy curses the senseless war and we call the police, the police turns up to be a pregnant woman in a sheer dress that arrests the man and then stays with me to drink juice and watch Aladdin...

Now do normal people have dreams like that? I dont think so...

Porter and I became Americans and bought a lottery ticket today for the first time in our middle class lives. We didn't understand how to do it, and we felt really stupid but with the NY state lottery up to 75 Million Dollars, stupidity was worth it.

Okay I didn't see Santa Clause 2, but I got three really bitchin' shirts that all match and now I have 4 of the same shirt, which apparently embodies my mom's side of the family spirit...so my uncle says. They invited me for salmon burgers and to tour their victorian garden this weekend...but Jason also has invited me to walk around the charming villages of the Hudson Valley. Hopefully this weekend I will be invited back to Monica and Todd's dinner gathering...I did get drunk and hit on Tony...maybe that wasn't the smartest thing for me. But I dont really know...

Back to reading and sleeping...
I forgot how good Vince Guaraldi trio jazz really is...

Everything is in its right place...

Last night I had the honor of going to Monica and Todd's party...for chili and biscuits. and Wine...
I fell asleep on Monica's floor for a half hour in front of Jesse and Tony. I have red wine stains on my lips. I woke up this morning lonely again.
But I had a really good time...and today I'm having lunch with my mommy and my uncles (yeah they're gay! Hooray!) at some restaurant where I'm going wallow in my own...umm..something. Maybe wallow in my sandwich.
Oh and our room is clean...
And don't laugh, but I'm going to watch the Santa Clause 2 with my mommy today! Hey, it looks good...and Tim Allen, whoa, what a great actor hehehe
Catch ya on the flip side yall

well i got the crying out of me...which is good...but it was sad on what I cried about. See Porter and I have been two single girls and I took honor that a girl as beautiful as her was in the same lonely boat as me...but I learned that wasn't the case at 3 AM this morning...so it's just me now, I'm the lonely one.
Jason says my psychological problems are what society deems normal...but I'm sure that isn't that case. I feel like today I was getting worse and worse until my mental capacity was going to fly out the window holding my sanity by its hand. But I think its still here...I'm thinking of running home to Darien, but I'm sure mother would be confused and then i'd have to tell her the story of Indiana and one day yes, I'll tell her but for now that's just something that she can't really know. But i'll stay here in Bardland where it seems my antisocial behavior is at its top pinnacle. I don't blame college, I'd blame any college probably...
And I did see Punch Drunk Love...and it was good. But Adam Sandler's socially maladjusted character was almost like me...if I was a guy I'd probably punch glass and everything but I'm just a girl. And it saddened me that I could relate to a person as screwed up as he was? Except he had strength in the love of a beautiful woman...so he could do no wrong, and I have the love of nothing...so I lack the heroic values and sentiment.
Why it's 4 AM and I'm writing this I don't know...but I just wanted to warn you maybe that you should tread lightly around me for a while...
Damnit I thought it was Alex...I thought that Alex was gone I would be free and now I know that he was only a facet in my fucking complicated life...damnit! Why do i have to be so fucking not normal!
Okay I should stop crying and go to bed now...umm...yeah...goodnight

Maybe it was my past coming back to haunt me...but i feel like crying now.

I'm going to the movies with Jeremy...we're going to see Punch Drunk Love

Maybe that will make me not think of my pathetic life and make fun of Adam Sandler for a few hours

Today was the West Point seminar...
And dont you worry your pretty little head off...nothing happened. I didn't stare dreamingly into anyone's eyes or anything like that. So I think I'm safe.
I had counseling this morning and my therapist is going to help me. Apparently, from the questions she was asking me, I have social anxiety disorder. I don't want to have any disorder...I just want to be normal. She assured me I would heal me and all. I just wished that I had nothing to heal.
But seeing West Point cadets in dress greys brought it all back. They were walking to the campus center is two neat rows like Madeliene...and I leaned up against the wall and panicked. So i went downstairs and greeted them. I know my therapist told me not to force myself, but I had to be nice...they are humans too you know, even if they are trained to kill.

Tomorrow's the West Point seminar...
And I know what you're thinking...you're thinking about how stupid I am that I picked out my outfit a week in advance...but I dont give a shit.
Yeah that's right, go blow it all up your ass...because Emily doesn't care what you think...

I'm going to go to the west point seminar and I'm going to have a good time...
and who knows?

You guys ready to meet Alex Jr.?

Of course you're not...and if by some twist of fate Emily gets herself shot by the military's winged arrow, you all will have the chance to view him as if he were a piece of meat and then judge him on a 1-10 scale...because we're not going to end up lying on the bathroom floor in Muncie, IN anymore...

I don't really have anything to say but that I really should be writing my paper on the presidency instead of sitting here writing...but oh well.

I really like my third cartoon and thanks to Monica, Tony, and Dave 1 for helping me come up with the idea.
Bienvenue a Montreal!

I went to the Green Onion today for the first time...It's actually really nice...I got some vitamin water, skim milk and a box of wheat thins for eight bucks. It's expensive but I have 131 Bard bucks to spare, so not to worry. I have a feeling that I'll be going there for a drink or a snack almost everyday...a healthy snack of course, because I'm watching what I eat. I was very impressed with it, for Bard...it's pretty good. The woman who runs it isn't like any other typical Bard worker who screams at you..."OH SO YOU WANT TO USE BARD BUCKS, EH?" or anything like LunchLady gym...she's just a kindly old woman who smiles and waves. Maybe Bard is finally learning not to hire psychos.

Well, off to fencing and weight training class...finally going to get out and shape up. I've been neglecting that for about...oh, ten years now.
Song of Fall: Everything in its right Place by Radiohead...I have NO idea why, but this song just makes me think about fall...it's weird...it reminds me of driving through the Bardland with a sweater on, feeling at ease with myself...
of course, that was Freshman year...oh remember freshman year? When Leon didn't hate me and men lined up at my door?
Yep, 2001...was a great year, except for twin day...twin day was a pimple on a perfect year.

The food that J and his roomy cooked tonight was amazing...Beef Curry and Schnitzl (spellin sucks) with rice and soda...I just was in heaven with the food!

I've decided (and I dont know why you care to know) That I'm going to go to West Point. It'll be good for me because the only reason i was scared of it in the first place was because of Alex and now that Alex is a dead and waning memory in my memory bank...I'm free to visit the Grey wonderland anytime I damn well please without the slightest bit of fear, although i shouldn't really go because my emisions sticker is still out of date...which I'll get yelled at again. And you know how i hate getting yelled at!
I signed up for an excercise class two times a week because I've been getting thick around the middle. I need to get in shape, it's important...If i don't, I'll be a fat lazy kid all my life and I'll hate it. So I'm going to start running and lifting and everything...I'm trying to make my life as positive as I can before it's too late and I'm the officer's wife who's strangled in a ditch off i-95.
My 2nd cartoon apparently made the aministration mad...something about underage drinking. This just confirms that Bard's aministation is shit in a box.

"It's all over the evening news...all about the fire in your life on the evening news..."

I forgot to mention that Dave 1's house was a nostalgia factory...Winnie the Pooh tapes, old Jetson movie glasses, Boy scout popcorn tins!

Porter hurt both her legs...so she was a good drunk hurt girl last night...she's a cutie

I'm getting more and more scared of my weight...I'm not a fat kid, but I'm just worried...it's been a while since some guy thought I was interesting and I'm getting paranoid. I think i have a social disease. And yes, this blog is funny I told you I had problems ha ha....

This is a blog and yet I'm afraid to write what I want to say in lieu that other people will make fun of me. I should not give a shit anymore. Oh wouldn't that be a treat, not caring what people think!!!

Back after Drag Race...I opened the bathroom door, there's a hole in our wall...okay that's fine, I'll have to pay for that...and then I open my room door...and there's Porter's shit all over my bed, her camera is open, my pillow is on her bed...and there's a note from Luke on the door. I'm just shaking my head on this one.

I'm glad I didn't go. I had a boatload of fun in a small New England town making breakfast with Trefor, Tali and Dave 1. We carved pumpkins, watched Rocky and Bullwinkle...and it was just a really awesome time. This pumpkin festival in Keene, NH is no child's fest my good friends...18000 pumpkins, ALL LIT UP in the streets of a cute New England Town, complete with Fireworks. I saw New England at its finest.
Dave 1 lives at the top of a hill called "Weathertop" in a cute cottage with one hell of a view. We drove to Marlow and all of a sudden, something appeared...that's right, there was SNOW ON THE GROUND! While we slept the first night, another 3 inches fell, making the woods into a winter wonderland. We made ourselves eggs and bacon and tea...
I'm sure Drag Race was good, with all its drinking and sex...but isn't it better finding out what America is about than letting some guy who's probably gay grope you.
Maybe I'm just Old Fashioned...

The thing i loved about Keene North's bathroom situation was there were four bathrooms the floor could fuck up...now there's only one bathroom
and there are always stoners fucking it up!

I hate that...

I had something to say but I forgot it....damn!

Well anyway, life for Emily has been improving slow and steady. School work is demanding but stable...papers have been decent...life could be better, a lot better...but I shouldn't complain.
I bought a new watch today...ummm it's pretty...yeah...I'm going to a pumpkin festival...ummm...what do you...ummm...think about that? huh?
Umm...I should read...wow, what a crappy entry!

"Where have all the parsnips gone?"

This is what happens when Emily is bored:


The Colloquial dreamboat
I’ve been reading Hemingway now for a while. I’m onto one of the Nick Adams stories; the one where the Indian husband cuts his throat open. Hemingway has a way of making his characters seem so one dimensional but also three dimensional at the same time. How he did that, I guess through experience. Experience makes the literal world go round so the Fates tell me. They tell me to tell the story of my life.
“But…my life is a Hemingway story…a one dimensional cubicle in an endless 9-5 job you hate. It’s claptrap; it’s a movie with an edge that no one gets. It’s a dark comedy that’s not funny.”
Destiny is one thing I don’t believe in. I’m not destined for great things if I explain my life to a screen. It’s not the way life works. Maybe for the lucky ones, but certainly not for me and certainly not ever.
So Hemingway, with your Biblical type story telling, I guess I should emulate your parables. After all, your life was war and big game shooting. And my life is of the Unknown Soldier.
It’s the simple “Johnny goes to Stockholm” kind of story. We find a man we hate and fall in love with him.
Johnny goes to Stockholm
Waste your cares away in Stockholm!
Revenge, murder, and decadence…we see it here in Stockholm!
You!
American boy!
Don’t be shy…step up to bat here in blissful Stockholm!
We are Stockholm!
I have a feeling you’ll be staying here for a long time.
Johnny gets revenge
American boy in big city seeks fortune.
But not in Stockholm…the city of dreams
But in America…the militaristic ballistic land of opportunity
Shoulder a rifle American boy
And destroy Stockholm!
One shot through the head is the American cure,
It’s what we Americans do best.
And you American boy…
You’re the best of the best

This weekend was amazing...

The weekend was complete when I turned on the TV and Rookie of the Year AND Angels in the Outfield were on at the SAME TIME! Talk about your ultimate good luck!
But the real treat was seeing Jon Stewart at the Beacon Theater last night. He actually made fun of my town.
Here was the joke:
"White kids always try to pretend they're black. 'What up? This shit is dope man!' And they have no environmental background to talk like this! I mean, come on! You're from Darien! Talking like that is about as natural as talking like a pirate. 'Hey how was the party last night?' "Arrrrrrr!'" - Jon Stewart
I feel so proud to part of my town.
I just finished my 2nd collage on American life. It's called "Life Goes On" after the ending statement of a Time magazine i was dismantling. It's just a lot of pictures of Dubya being an ass and a lot of pictures of the evil military forces. Im thinking of taking a few pictures of it and putting it on my website...it's pretty cool.
Well, i have to paper to write...and a lasagna to bake...and a house to clean...and a life to organize!

I'm in my safe realm of home...it's good to have a safe zone...

Tonight I dont think i can really do anything with anyone...I have work to do. And I'm wrestling with what I should have for dinner...Life should be good when all you're worried about is what you're going to have for dinner. I think i might pop over to the grocery store to buy an individual boboli pizza. That sounds pretty sweet about now.
Sean has a girlfriend and I'm proud of him. He's been waiting so long for anything to happen and now it is. And bravo Sean, may your sexual adventures be exciting and stimulating.
As for me, the entire male gender is on my shitlist at least till i meet one that doesn't stash drunk pictures of me on his computer or doesn't value the Civil War more than me.
I'm thinking this could be a while...

Enough about Alex...like I said, I'm never talking to him so alas, I hope to not bore you with talking about him anymore...
So on to the next asshole!

I was reading through my saved email...and I have a folder of John's emails...It's pretty pathetic we dont talk anymore, considering he always told me he loved me and all, but I guess I have to understand where he's coming from...or not. John was prone to take advantage of me too...though it took me three years to see that and he didn't take any pictures. John's almost as bad as Alex because he strung me along...I always trusted him (why i dont know) but I did, and now it seems his early decision to Yale is center stage or his younger women, or whatever tickles his fancy. But Emily has gone out of his mind I guess...and so be it. I cannot change his ways, and would I want to? No...
Alas another confidante drowned...

I have also decided not to go to drag race this year for reasons stated below. I don't think i can trust myself enough this year to go to a room full of debauchery. So, I'm going to a pumpkin festival instead. To be honest, I would rather go to the pumpkin festival anyway. So I bid all drag racers a fond and fun drag race without me...I'm sure not to be missed.

If you only knew the feelings that are pulsating through my brain...

I fucking hate the world right now...for being so low, dirty, and perverse...Tonight Alex sent me pictures of the New Years Eve party...where what really happened that night took place. there's one picture that made me as mad as I am now. There's a picture of Alex...and he's on top of me while i'm piss ass drunk and he's taking advantage of me and someone took a picture of it! HOW FUCKING SICK DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THAT!
So Alex Raggio...in my rage I say that I will NEVER talk to you again, because you dont deserve it...and I feel that now my revenge on Johnny stems to you too...oh, you can laugh at that...and tell me I'm stupid because I can live in this rose colored world, but Alex, you are the true problem to my existence...I can't stand the way you have threatened me, taken advantage of me...how cruel and low can you be? So, if you ever read this...fuck you, and I hope you live a poor and miserable life in your crappy Indiana world...
You, reader of my journal...cannot know what it's like to be mentally raped...what can i do now but fear life again? Bard sure isn't the safe haven i took it for last year, rather a place where the rage can be heightened into nights of crying myself to sleep. I am not sure why I am telling the world this, but I am telling you all to beware...because I will not take the shit people have been spoon feeding me since i was ten...I am not the pushover that was stepped on in high school...

Emily's mad...

ever feel like something bad is going to happen to you?

Today I wasted away my life...I listened to classical music and read about Nam flashbacks and then watched Porn n' Chicken...I do feel pathetic...but when haven't I? I mean, isn't that my goal?

I have decided to turn my book into an "American" non-fiction, fiction frenzy...because I want to experiment into my realm of dark comedy...pretty sad...but I really want to try my hand at it. I think i could do something good with it.
I don't really feel good...something is wrong with me. I am trying to change myself again...which is bad. Nothing is worse than trying to change yourself.
We could do something good...but i should stop changing myself...
wow, i really dont have anything constructive to say.

I am at home...

Today I got a letter from Peter for the first time in a month...his letter seemed to be a reply of how sorry he felt that he hadn't written but at the same time it seems that the Civil War means more to him. He is a rookie at this and I certainly am not so I shouldn't make haste to make him see that you cannot ignore the woman you supposedly love.
My therapist solved my West Point crisis.
"Why" she asked me, "Do you go to West Point when you are obviously scared of it...you should respect your fear and not force yourself to go their constantly?"
I should respect my fear of West Point...and so I will attend the seminar the first time, but magically "feel ill" the second time...yes, lying would not be good to Bill Mullen, but it would save me the fears of going back to that wretched place. West Point is one of my biggest fears...though I can't explain why, Dr. Crane told me it was because I am not accustomed to the institution and therefore feel out of place. If something happens where I want to go back I shall, but as for now...I would rather stay away from that place for good than to press my fears by entering it again and again only to be more frightened.
Off to read Moby Dick...if you don't mind.

I am going to do the West Point seminar...because after all, we do things we dont want to...am I right?

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night and will watch the second DVD today (it's 5.5 hours long!!!) But it is so very good and I love it. I only wish I could live in that time period for I would have nothing to do but sit and wait for men to swoon. Easier said than done I'm sure.
I talked to Caitlin Breen last night...its been so long she thought i was still dating Alex. I told her about Pete, she told me that Ned was enjoying the Naval Academy and all that. I should really go visit him for my book...when my friend James goes there, I will be sure to pay him a call or two...I would love to see his face when I shake his hand. Hopefully the military has taught him about how it's good to be polite to people and not ignore them for three years on the basis of nothing. Ahhh the military yields such sparkling characters...
Well, I'm off to the campus center and then off to the "Klineland" I thought Kline would be a good name for Germany's famed demilitarized zone...though I dont think Hitler would be inclined to take over this Klineland, but yet again...Hitler was a greedy man. I'm sure Hitler would find Kline a suitable gas chamber.

Let me just say one thing...

I am not mad at Jesse Aylen...I am mad at his ability to make me wait for him. I have my own schedule, I like hanging out with him because he is good company and my best friend...but when a friend keeps blowing you off and making fun of you...well, then I think I have to comprehend who my friends really are. I am not sorry...I will never be sorry...even if I am still your friend I will not be sorry for my actions.

I will not lose again...like all those other times in my life where I have lost. I am going to make this one count.
So Jesse, I am not mad at you...but it's your attitude that's bothering me...
you can tell me I'm the same way whatever...this isn't about me, this is about you...
As Alex used to say to me all the time: change my dear....

Of course Alex wanted me to become a spineless American beauty...
Just look at yourself Jesse...

Reading the news now has frightened me again...
I am not a paranoid person about the news...But going to Iraq is scaring me...I dont know. Doesn't it seem so not important? I dont understand...I am an American Studies Major, I have read the news everyday on this subject and I still don't get it. I am becoming the subdued person I was after 9/11...reading the news and then crawling into a small corner, retreating...
I dont want fighter jets over my house again like they were last year. I just want it to be like it was when we didn't care about anything...that we had a golden age...
But I just can't fight it anymore...we're going to go to war with Iraq...all my west point friends are going to die...and that's the way life goes...

Just as long as we dont have a Vietnam 2...
I dont want anyone's number coming up...

a good idea for "Adventures in Bardland"

Annie: So how's your hamburger stand on the triangle going?
Thatcher: Great, those Feitler kids will believe anything you tell them!

So I'm sick, we're going to war with Iraq, and I have to go to orchestra tomorrow...

I don't like all this Iraq crap...Bush is such a jerk...He's just doing it because Daddy couldn't oust him so Little George has to do it. Makes me sad to be an American...

Today I got up the energy to CVS and buy a new box of tissues and Vitiman C drops. I got a lot of gatorades too but my taste buds are really messed up so I really can't taste anything...Gatorade just tastes kinda bitter and sweet at the same time...it's weird. Yet, I still keep drinking it..

It's been almost a month since I got a letter from Peter Alfred Schiller...I hope he hasn't got Johnny Garrison syndrome of just, not writing back...there has to be something wrong here. Pete pledged his love to me, his counselor...and I expected that me, being his first love ever...he would bow and break before me...but I guess that I am not as important as I used to be. Even in the world of 16 year old boys, I don't have a chance.

I should really stop drinking this gatorade...

I am sick....

It's just a bad head cold but it's really dragging me down...I really can't function except reading and watching movies. I have a paper due and I really want to start it, but I really dont have the mental capacity to even start it. It's about Thoreau's Walden and his bean field but it's just too thick and dense to even start. So i am confined to my pjs, my bed, and a stack of books I have to read. I tried to read the Mr. X telegram about the Soviet Union but it's too much work...

Being sick really sucks. I wish i was home, then i could watch TV with a gatorade...that would be awesome. I think I'm going to watch Half Baked or The big lebowski or the royal tenenbaums next...after all, that's all I'm good for...reading and watching movies...

if you want to make me feel better...give me a call...I am bored with reading about politics and Moby Dick...=(

Or take me to get more dayquil...im running out...

the question now is: what now?

Do I apologize? Do I get down on my sore knees and cry out, "Botstein, I'm sorry!" My newest character is wearing a shirt that says, "I'm sorry Leon" I don't want to apologize, but this is the top of the top...the ringmaster of the circus of Bard! Rain says i shouldn't apologize but this man has pull...he could destroy my Bard career if Ididn't comply with this simple request of the powerful words, "I'm sorry."

I have to apologize...my life, I feel...is always going to be walking the tightrope...which could be fun. After all, I left the office of Dave Shein pretty happy with myself...I had made a small dent in the structure of Bardland...

She's a strong structure too...

"You've achieved infamy as a sophomore" were the words that were uttered from Dave Shein's mouth, the dean of students...

So my cartoon was a hit, but apparently not to our president Leon Botstein...who read the cartoon and apparently was furious. "What do we know about this Emily Sauter" he asked Dave Shein...He thinks I have a creative genius but I can "go too far" he told me in my meeting with him this morning. I felt like i was in the principal's office. So now i have to apologize to Leon and I'll probably do it in my cartoon.
I mean, I did achieve infamy at Bard...that's hard to do...you really have to be an asshole to achieve it...so note to bard kids, make fun of Leon's sex life, and you're in.
Basically in my meeting the dean told me that it was libel and that i can't "cross lines" anymore. It's hard at Bard, you can make fun of everything...but apparently not Leon's sex life..Being sued for my first cartoon by Bard College would really suck.
"I didn't think Leon read the observer" I said...
"He reads it cover to cover" replied Dave Shein.
So now I'm being watched I'm sure...but it's all good...I have achieved infamy. I'm somebody. So they can watch me all they want. Go ahead...

I have known I was a moron for a while...but this recent action should be like, in some HALL OF MORONS!

I signed up for the West Point joint seminar AGAIN! What did i tell myself, that the military was not a place for Emily's ideals...What did we learn from Alex Raggio? A whole lot...that men think they own the world once you give them a fucking gun.

But i have a reason to go (this time it's not to scope out the uniforms) it's to research my book...to ask around...to find out what west point cadets think of America...and maybe, just maybe...I can find America in some poor soul...and not just a group of JohnnyGarrisons from Muncie, Indiana...this time it's for research, not to find a "real man"

Still, I am a moron...a big huge moron...stamp a moron sticker on my forehead, because I fucking deserve it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

This weekend...shit...was an interesting experience of emotional breakdown, of trying to be a good friend...and trying to understand why humans are the way they are.

I always thought of myself as some sort of model girl...do no wrong, Lord I know that's not true...but the thing is that I don't understand how people can act the norms of society. Lord knows I wish i could be normal...but that's never going to happen and I thank God. But I learned a valuable lesson...that I am lucky. Bard is a really a place to think...I am glad I go to a school filled with a very rational group of people (Bard people may scoff at this but let me tell you something, go meet the assholes that my camp friend Chelsea lives with...then you might realize that no matter how much sex and drugs bard kids get into, they're still a hell of a lot more mature than the assholes that go to so called "regular college")
Poor Chelsea, her roommate is so evil, she must be Johnny Garrison's cousin or something. I have come to realize that beyond my control, people are so evil. And you, some girl...one person, you want to change the course of human events and actually change people themselves. But the sad part is, because you are just one person, you never will...individuality is not that powerful...
But as my mind was buzzing driving at 2 AM from hartford last night...i realized that I wish i could do something...I could be a person that strives to help! But Emily Sauter, trying to do anything like that is just a stupid notion...it would never work.
I would like to crusade to get rid of evil people. That would be a good job. But I am not superman...
I am just some girl who wants to find America...

Welcome to my world, welcome to my world....welcome to my world of toys!!!

There's something soothing about Copland...i can't put my finger on it, but he just sounds "American" to me. Goodness knows I should be writing this for my American journal...because I'm "That Girl Finding America" or some bad title like that.
Today I learned that my 17 year old sister has had sex with six people. I am almost 20 and I have had sex, if I dont count that lovable Indiana experience, drum roll please...ONCE! One person, one time...The day was a blissfully warm June 8th, 2001...the time was 8:45 PM and the place was an all white master bedroom of Mr. Greco, my best friend's british boyfriend at the time's father's room....His name was Peter Sainz...he was the best and most caring boyfriend I have ever had even though I didn't think he realize he was. He was, after all...not the smartest boy in the world...not like the Alexander H. Raggios, the John F. O'Learys, the Gary Todd Johnsons...the intelligent assholes of my former...but he was smarter than all of them...in words I can't describe.
I think I have to start hating men again...something is telling me that would be a wise move

Because, I'm due...

Here I am in my towel...

This weekend I am going to go to University of Hartford to see the NEMC crowd. I miss them so much...because I make a joke like, "Hot damn!" or "KIMMAH" and everyone at college just looks at me like I'm the biggest loser on the planet. "Wicked good summah ya!"
Oh well...

I really dont have anything to write...I just wanted to say i was in a towel.