This, ladies and gents, is why we do what we do.

That is a quote from one of Alex's famed forwards about military life that I guess he feels like he needs to send me. I usually dont read the emails, because I feel like its a breach of security, delving into military affairs (though something i will persue in later years) doesn't seem right now...especially when they're from Alex H. Raggio...

Ive been getting up earlier and earlier every morning...and goin on walks with the dog. I'm starting to act like my mom...soon I'm going to read the crap she reads.
American daytime television is so interesting...its a calvacade of bullshit and depression all rolled into one magnificant ball of fun...I've been watching the history channel mostly...that's not bullshit...Crossing Over with John Edwards is bullshit, The View is bullshit, Passions is bullshit, A Wedding Story, the Christoper Lowell show (that man is so gay it hurts) Jerry Springer (today was "bring in the bisexuals") the list goes on and on...it's all trumped up American slop...
No wonder the arab world hates us!

There's something wrong with my cat...everytime i try to pet him...he jumps wildly in the air and then calms down...I think something happened to Spoo...

"Named for Elmer of Judiciary Fame..."

I swear, there is a bird that sounds exactly like the Keene North fire drill and it keeps throwing me off guard...I hear it and want to run out the door...
The Batman movie was on AMC this morning...I thought of Jesse...
"He's swallowed the catbait...and now he'll be bat bait! (evil laugh)" -Riddler

I got a messege today on my answering machine from the Darien Community Association who give me scholarship for school...and the woman on the phone was like, "you're such a great person, we were so impressed w/ your drive and ambition...etc" I feel great now. They told me they hope to help me all four years of college because i 'deserve it'...I dont why, but old people love me...

Today I took the dog for a walk and we passed the elementary school and they were having field day. It brought me back to all of that when I was 6. The tug of war, the relay races, the parachute...the popsicles....

"You make me feel...you make me feel like a natural woman..."
Oh I miss Bard...I miss talking to people about homestar runner...I miss nathalie...I miss Ross, dave 1, jesse, jeremy, even finkel!
Time for the dentist.

Final thought: yesterday i past planned parenthood and the anti abortion people were there...i really wanted to throw something at them...

Word of the day: Motive....

Back to my old inquisitive self again, listening to Britten's War Requiem, locking myself in my room...looking for something to maybe attach myself to creatively, because I haven't painted or written anything in a while. Maybe another collage is in order...those are always so much fun.

Today was a neverending array of chores for my mother...and the evil nurse pricked me with a needle and i bled. Tomorrow's the dentist. How i loathe the dentist!

I was watching the Music Man tonight and I have "Gary, Indiana" stuck in my head. That brought back the flood of Indiana memories.
Someone told me that when a company or the governement wants to take a survey of "Real American People" they go to Muncie, Indiana...
That makes sense to me.

I got a raise yesterday...that was pretty coool...8.50 an hour now...sweeeet.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the dentist, sit on my ass and watch documentaries...with Cheez it Party mix in hand. Summer is, pretty sweet. Hopefully everything is going to be okay in the world. I hope...

Random note of the day: I love having the fathers of kids I have hooked up with come into the pharmacy and ask for their drugs. In my brain I am screaming, "Your son...I have violated him...your genetic code is swimming in my mouth..." the thrill is I get to pretend I have NO IDEA who they are...and the bigger thrill is that they have no idea who I am, they have no idea that their offspring and I had "relations"..from Olsen to Sainz to Donegan...I've done it all.
"All right Mrs. Sainz...what's your address?"
Inside my brain I'm chanting 20 Colony Road...20 Colony Road...20 Colony Road.
And when she finally says "20 Colony Road..." I act suprised.
It's the great acting lesson that is life.

a following up to my accusations that men are scum...
They say nice guys finish last, but in all my years...I have never met this fabled "nice guy" because he doesn't exist...
Think about it.

so it's true...
men really are scum

There has been nothing but work for a while now...everyone keeps asking me what I want to do when I grow up...why, the mystery...
I have started to tell them "defense" because it sounds good...defense, military intelligence...without joining that sordid game of the uniforms and boot camp...
Yes, I get looks from the response but then i justify it, "Maybe take it down from the inside" and i tap my nose gently on its side and they laugh..."Everybody has a good laugh"
Maybe I will be a mistress of world power...Alex says no but when did I ever care what Alex says about me? Or maybe, the better question is, "When will I stop caring about what Alex says to me?" and start caring about what I think...It's time I start taking orders from myself and not some cornfed Muncie soldier

John and I found the hills of Bedford quite beautiful, even in the fog. He's a good boy...

I'm thinking about direction in my life. I don't really have any. I just float...

I hate this feeling of being lost. Maybe i should stop complaining and tell you what I did today you pathetic freaks that actually want to know what's goin on inside my head. I watched a parade...saw tony danza sing about 9/11 on TV (scary) and lay on the beach with a few guys talking about things...i dont know what the things were about...

I haven't written anything since I've been back...just stared at the TV with a fudgesicle watching documentaries...all day long. I think I want to be Jackie O. without Frank Sinatra and my husband being shot. I want to be married into a cursed family with promise...a name I can tack on to Emily and feel superior...just wait till I go down in US history...America, especially right now...could use a fine moral woman to step and create wonderful power in its midst.

Dreams Emily...just dreams...when you're thirty, you'll be the mistress of world power in some town in Indiana...married to a man who drives a pick up truck.


"we're going to need a bigger boat"

I have the sudden urge for power...
I have the idea that when i grow up (assuming if i ever grow up) I want some part of the world to see me as a higher figure. I found in my journal an entry dated from late november of last year. And in this journal entry it says, "Alex, if he says what he says he is...could be a major world power someday...and I could use that to my advantage...ride the coattails to power..." Then i mention how crooked that is, using someone for their power. I always pictured myself a silent voice behind a political machine...and aristocracy...something worth my while...
Maybe this is the Napoleon in me speaking...or just the voice of common sense

It's official...I truly am pathetic

On the Disney Channel right now is a movie called "Cadet Kelly" where the misunderstood girl is sent to military school...and I'm watching it...
Yes, because of my obsession with the military...I want this obsession to go away! I feel like I'm under this pathetic sappy spell...I think the spell hit me when I hooked up with Alex...through his fluids, he transferred me this horrible disease...damn his fluids!
Well...the movie is back on...and i want to know if she makes the drill team
Be glad you aren't me

So when i was going to PA, my family and I passed the Andre Rieu tour buses (they were decorated with pictures of instruments and such). I KNEW i had heard about him before...but i couldn't remember where. So while at the library (Colby Blake's mom gave me the first copy of the library's Harry Potter DVD...so today I might just sit in my room and watch that plus have a mini Jimmy Stewert marathon...i also got rear window and Mr. Smith goes to washington) I was looking at the CDs and there it was...Andre Rieu in concert! I looked on the back...and I figured out who he was...okay, ever watch those concerts on PBS with the orchestra of practically all women playing in beautiful gowns and that long haired freak playing the solo violinist, dancing around the stage...so incredibly ostentatious you want to die....THAT'S ANDRE RIEU!
That made me happy...
but not as happy as finding out today that my 20/20 vision in my left eye is gone...and will get worse...until I'm blind no doubt. =(
I never noticed how many BMWs there are in CT...and so many SUVs...the CamCam was getting nervous. She's been used to seeing crap cars...the only BMW she has seen was Colin Harte's and his was shit...but all these beautiful cars around her...I think she misses the dusty lot of Keene
Because i know I do...

So I'm home...
The only good thing about tonight was going to Barnes and Noble with Matt, Tom, Kevin, and Jen and buying books. I had a forty dollar gift card so I bought three books...they are: The New Guilded Age: The New Yorker looks at the Culture of Affluence, Demonology by Rick Moody, and The Mammoth Book of True War Stories. With all the books I have gotten as Christmas presents that I never read plus these (especially the true war stories...mmm good summer reading) I should have a summer of sitting in the crisp Maine air, reading about War and Culture. hooray for me!
Well...eye doctor tomorrow...so I'm going to sleep. All my shit is still around my room and it looks awful. I miss Bardland...
Home isn't so bad. Good food, good friends, good reading...big bed...makin money...I guess i can't complain..
But I'm going to anyway...

Last full day in Bardland..Our room looks disgusting still...but with no pretty pictures on the walls...I'm listening to goldfinger, trying to make everything okay. I'm still in denial...freshman year is done...I am now a sophomore 1 (Bard separates years into 1 and 2...i was just a freshman 2) Soon, it'll be moderation...research papers on Defense policies, rereading the scarlet letter with Liz Frank, my nose in a constitutional law book in the library listening to Britten's War Requiem...am I ready to take on the challenge I have laid down for myself? I dont know, but I am ready for soemthing new...I am ready to find myself something to believe in...whatever that means.
Next year, every class I am taking is about America. American politics, American policy, American literature...has the high nationalism of post 9/11 gone to my head? Not really...Yeah I had the bloodlust...and the weird feeling that I would have to do something rash and stupid for my country if it came to it (I dont know what would be rash and stupid, running for senate maybe...though a Bardian senator, not likely)
My allergies are kicking the crap out of me...I feel awful. I have saved the last perscription Allegra for the ride home tomorrow...so i can drive down the taconic with the windows open screaming the lyrics to "Luck be a lady"
It's so good to be me sometimes...though only sometimes

Tuesday night in Bardland...
Fucking hockey bastards are yelling shit in the TV. Goddamnit, they don't even live in my fucking dorm and they get the TV and I don't get to watch real world? I have been Real world-less for almost a month now and I'm about to beat myself. I know, the show is stupid, but I need the human drama I can only get from a reality show with such a calibur as the Real World. I would suffice with getting some real human drama for myself but that's difficult...that means going to West Point or something rediculous like that...and I really hate going to West Point..duty, honor, country and such. =(
I'm listening to the City of Angels soundtrack to soothe my jangled nerves. The movie fucking blew but the soundtrack isn't half bad.
I'm very tired of reading Rawls. He is interesting but his words lack a certain energy that would actually make him interesting. Thank the Lord Political philosophy is over and I'm done with everything except Dave's damn papers...and he's going to hate these papers too. Hopefully my government classes will be more forgiving. James Chace seems like a nice guy...I hope my research papers on Military involvement in Soviet Nuclear Technology will melt his heart. He's a cute old man...I would love to get on his good side...I've got one Pulitzer Prize winner who loves me...let's see if i can get the former foreign editor of the New York Times to love me too.
I know, i know...that sounds kind of pathetic...but I didn't ask Liz Frank to love me...I just went to her office with The Education of Henry Adams and told her i wanted to write a paper on it. She lit up like a fucking xmas tree and now she insists on being my advisor. So, I will let her advise.
This summer hopefully i will relax and build up my vocabulary for reading. I'm going to look in Barnes and Noble for some good political reads...maybe about the Florida voting procedure...that seems interesting. The Bush Dislexicon was great reading...of course, i read it post September 11th when everyone loved old Georgy Boy...but now he's back making an idiot of himself. Not even the death of innocent civilians will save you now buddy boy. I have a picture saved on my computer of George W's face when Andy Card whispered in his ear about 9/11...he looks like a deer in headlights...it's a very amusing picture...if anyone wants to see it, i'll send it to you.
Well, here I am sans Real World. I wonder what's going on in the apartment in Chi-Town tonight? Kara's trying to have sex, Kyle and Kerri are mad at each other, Theo is doing something, Chris is bartending and being the straightest gay man ever, Aneesa is being that sassy lesbian walking around naked, and Tonya is pissing blood again...
Now, don't you wish you were watching!
I gotta go clean...we have guests coming and the room looks like one of the bowling alleys, I mean bathrooms in our dorm.

Last night I had a dream I hated the state of Louisiana...I think i had that dream because Nathalie was drugged out on adderall.

I had a dream I wore this sailor hat...it was really cool.
I also found my West Point Seminar Notes- This is what it says

Thoughts from the US Military Academy 11/9
Today is November Ninth...I am kind of tired but wearing nice paints but no socks...hmmm. I love uniforms and I am Kind of turned on by sitting here. Eh. This feeling is unnew to me.
Our Country=crazy

You can really tell i was paying attention in that Hall filled with large pictures of generals and officers =)

So...apparently I dont have sex with people!
I am outraged at this society! I am completely outraged at this sexually one sided horribly society! It is a man's world...but of course i learned last night in student theater that in this world of men, women control the penis, so it's a woman's world...but that's just an opinion...who's cares about someone's opinion when the world has to be objective and blah blah blah...
Objective! I hate that fucking word...I have hang ups, I will never be objective. Johnny Garrison, objective? Yes, he "wanted to penetrate me once!" how the fuck are you objective about anything sexual! You will always have feelings...its psychological, it lives in your brain after you die...in heaven you still dream of it. There is nothing you can do to escape it...once it's done, it's done...and that's it...you're screwed..LITERALLY!
So...apparently I dont have sex with people! I have steel trap morals...more like inhibitions...yes Sir, I'd LOOOVE to sleep with you but account of Jesus and the holy Trinity, I apologize but i cant do it. I sleep with someone for "love" something the Bible tells me so. And yes, at Bard, people usually dont say no...and now i have a reputation for being Frigid. You'd be frigid too if you had experiences like I did...men lying to me all the time...my first kiss was the most evil thing anyone has ever done to me...and now Johnny Garrison...The Navy and the Air Force, really have some explaining to do.
The inhibitions are most likely the fact that I feel like i'm still eight...flying kites and playing with dolls...I should smack myself in the face and realize that my best friend is pregnant and almost married, i just finished my first year of college...I am an adult...I can have sex with other people...
One day, everything will change...When i was fat and unhappy in 5th grade i told myself one day everything would change and they would all worship me. And partly it came true...i changed into something erratic but it was something people could relate to...yes, relate to...I have a smile on my face, just the face in the crowd...you have no excuse to hate me now...flawless?
Wow...what a rant...maybe I'll go have sex.

Goldfinger!
I have painted me singing Goldfinger...I want a gold dress and come out...running down a golden aisle...screaming the words to the songs...and all the people in the audience would drink their martinis (shaken, not stirred) and clap...Man, my imagination is messed up.
I am talking to Diana...Alex's friend from Muncie, IN (magical Muncie!) and I learned a lot from her. One thing is that everyone is mad at Johnny Garrison and not me...and when he gets back from Texas...they will destroy him! She's so cool...
A little known fact: Alex wanted to be Indiana Jones when he was 8. So he is human!
You make a powerful enemy...you're going to be squashed!
I'm thinking of making the name Johnny Garrison evil. You know, up there with Adolf Hitler...
I saw plays tonight and I'm thinking of putting on "Bard at War" now...because it just seems right.
I will type more after the Phillip Glass opera tomorrow...
bye

I have downloaded all the James Bond themes...the earlier ones are awesome..."From Russia with Love" is awesome...I should be dancing in a large room...
I am having a war with the guy downstairs..."From Russia with Love" vs. Heavy Metal...

I think I'm winning

He woke me up from my nap...therefore...he gets lounge music...the ultimate punishment!

Emotionally I want to beat myself...maybe it's because i have PMS...but something is about to explode.
I am sexually charged, emotionally unstable, I am mad...I am sad...I am overflowing with psychological choas! I sound like a fucking poem, so...there's something wrong.
From sexual experimentation to Alex's hypotheticals...what the hell am I supposed to do now!
sidenote- I love our dorm setting...i hear the phone ringing from Oberholzer (that's pretty damn far from my windows)
Brahms Cello Sonata to school being almost over. Everynight going to bed dreaming of places that don't exist...happy places filled with Johns: perticually the O'Leary and Garrison kind. "I long to see you..." That's what John O'Leary says to me. And the thing about John is that he writes back...he understands and loves me...I count him as one of my greatest assets.
Look at me, so weepy and unhappy! This is not the way life should be.
I'm going to cheer up Nathalie...with the monorail episode of the simpsons...
"hehehehe...mule"

Pimp Daddy Rags: well, hypothetically, under what circumstances would you get back with me?

Good morning Emily!

Alex has just IMed me...
For some reason, I have lost my appetite...especially because we're talking about sex...
Hey, like old times!

hmmm...I'm hungry and no one is really around...damn!
Do i dare venture out on Bard alone???? Maybe i should...independence never really hurt anyone and I am very hungry.
I think a bowl of something here in this room should suffice...
how pathetic...

So I just watched Star Wars: Episode dos...from the comfort of my dormroom...all warm with slippers on, looking like crap...the joys of bootleg copies! If anyone wants it, just tell me...I have it on my computer.
The reviews have been a little scathing and i do agree on somethings (Hayden Christensen talks in these horrible flowery cliches blah blah I've longed for you in my dreams, blah blah blah...but I dont know anyone in real life who actually talks that way)
Okay, I'll admit it...I really liked it. I was picking up all these references to the other Star Wars...making fun of Jar Jar (he's not in it as much, YAY) and yes, I did watch it by myself but I wanted to see it so badly, I degraded myself to watching it alone. Oh well...I have seen it, so there!
Now I have what I call as Star Wars Lust! I downloaded the John Williams Main Theme, humming along...acting like a complete loser...but it's what i do best, right?
I should be a Jedi.
Think about it...no, seriously...think about it.
"A long time ago...in a galaxy far, far away..."
Emily Wars! Episode 1: Attack of the West Point Cadets!

Done with registration...now all i need to figure out is if i can survive all those political culture classes!
I just have a small thought...it's kind of a sad the way you make a relationship with a person and then, in an instant, after everything seemed to good...they're gone from your life and you just sit in your room and wonder, "I wonder what happened..."

Ho Hum...

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get a "Beer Pong" education...you know, with the large classes, frat houses, and all that's on my mind is "I can't lose at Beer Pong."
Today Finkel told me that my writing was excellent...and that was after the class destroyed my "Vignette from Muncie, Indiana" story. It hurt yes, because the story was painful, but too soon...wait five years until you've got it from an objective angle. Who knows, maybe one day my novel Irrational Hypothesis, will be winning me a Pulitzer. Wouldn't that be silly, me with a Pulitzer!
I just cleaned my room...My side and Nath's side are like day and night...My side looks almost clean and her side looks like a toxic waste site. It probably is.
I'll be home in nine days and Mom's takin me to the Olive Garden. Thank the Lord I'm goin home! I love Bard but it'll be so nice to get out of here and live in the homelife for three weeks and then, OFF TO NEMC! HOORAH!
Well, I don't really have much to say except my first year seminar paper is done, almost...just have to tweek...all that's left is the 5-7 page Philosophy paper and two 3-4 page papers due thrusday...or wednesday, I don't really remember. =)
My orchestra concert is tonight...blah...oh well...My mom is going to be here in an hour!
All right..time to practice my cello...farewell fools!

I never realized how awfully difficult the real world is until i came to college. Bard is not the real world I know, but we've got the aspects of work here.
Damn fucking work...and I get paranoid easier now, looking behind my shoulders and what not...
While eating in Schade's, the most beautiful restaurant in Highland Falls, whose line is, "Serving the long grey line for over forty years..." while Jason and I talked about Alex and Indiana, it occured to me that there's a lot i forgot to talk about...like Arby's "five for five..."
I'd explain it, but the story is just not that tasteful.
The real world is unpleasant...but I have to go, my microwavable feast is beeping for my attention.
Remember this tidbit for life, "Never eat the Arby's "Five for five" in front of your girlfriend unless you want to make her gag"
...That is all

So i'm talking about the year with Sean and we have realized that this year could not exist. Look at all the weird shit that has gone on!
September 11th
West Point? -I still dont think that place exists (even though im leaving to go there in 20 minutes)
Muncie, Indiana
Johnny Garrison
Bard College (my college is defiantly strange)
the news about my best friend
- These cannot exist...I am going wake up and everything is going to be back to normal...
Thank the Lord I'll be at camp and fenced away from the outside world where nothing can possibly hurt me....hooray for living in dream worlds!

It seems that I really cant write in this anymore...thanks to someone calling me pathetic...
So I'm now frozen with any notion that what I'm saying is pathetic. What kind of depresses me, but then again, when am i not depressed?
Next semester I'm taking three government classes. hooray.
I feel like eating debbie snack cakes and milk and watching a movie alone.
Everyone in Darien is home from college now and they're all done and happy...well not me, I'm still here in the woods, with papers stacking up and me, with no intention of actually wanting to do them.
Maybe i'll paint a copy of my military watercolor for Jason as a present...he can hang it in his barracks and then get walking hours. Kind of shameful art can get the shit kicked out of you at West Point.
I saw Hollywood Ending, the new Woody Allen thing..it was good, just what I needed. I needed to get out of this box of a dorm...I needed to see something from the real world (though woody allen going out with Debra Messing is highly unlikely) but still...it was still something feasible...everything at Bard is like some sort of sick fantasy land. I'm expecting a ferris wheel outside of the campus center anyday...right next to our swing set (we actually have a swing set)
I'm going to take my pills and dream of subletting my apartment to supermodels, their fathers, my neighbor, and the unknown man in the ascot who talked about trains and driving through the unknown, though the unknown to me seemed known.

This is my story, "Hide and Seek" for those who want to read it...
I wasn’t afraid of the game itself. What I was afraid of was the anxiety of hiding under the bed, waiting…alone with your thoughts…nothing to do, but wait. Oh what a horrible feeling that was.
I hid in the closet of my pastor when I was nine one April afternoon. I pulled a roll of ugly pink carpet around me, curled up in a little ball, and waited. I let my childhood drift before my eyes…A slow batch of houses with faceless owners, people my parents knew but to me, they didn’t have faces anymore, just soft voices, poets, cars, and 1970’s style kitchens.
These people, whom my parents entrusted me and my little sister to, were now just strangers. This idea made me more anxious. There I waited, in the pitch black of the closet, lying on the winged tip shoes of my Presbyterian pastor. All sense of time escaped me. Minutes had turned into hours and seconds into minutes. My nine-year-old mind had finally grasped the face of the first stranger. Her hair was long and auburn and her face was melting together in my mind to form the face of a worn and tired liberal. I had remembered their son would try to beat me up, while I had tried to pick up their cat. Their cat’s name was “cat” and even that name to my nine-year-old brain seemed so stupid. My cat’s name was Spoo. Now that was originality!
My parents had dragged my sister and I to the tired liberal’s house…off the Merritt Parkway. The drive always seemed so long and dark on the Merritt parkway and moon was always full and large while we drove in the red BMW. The house was always filled with adults but no toys or kids…. just their son, who to me seemed so mature and scary to me. I always remembered that he was handsome, even at the age he was and the age I was. He seemed to have a grasp on what was going on while my sister and I knew practically nothing. We had, in fact, been on this Earth for a few short years, so maybe it made sense. We didn’t know how to play pool, much for the fact that the pool table was far too big. We didn’t know how to turn the TV on, and while our parents indulged in their macrobiotic feast of fish and seaweed, our stomachs yearned for hamburgers and colas.
It might have been in hour in the dark. I remembered the little league practice today with the boys and shrugged off the memory. They had put me in Triple A, the worst league for little league. If I knew the word bastard, I would have called the entire Darien little league association all bastards. Just because I was a little girl, I couldn’t play with the big boys. The bruise on my arm from the fly ball started to hurt.
The memory of Popsicle twister pops and pancakes and a green minivan had suddenly been remembered. That family lived off the Merritt too but in the other direction from the worn and tired macrobiotic liberal. I always missed my parents so much when they dropped us off their but this house fed us so well. No macrobiotic seaweed…they had Skippy peanut butter. Skippy peanut butter was gold to me as a child.
The door to the closet was suddenly opened and there was the pastor’s son and my little sister, standing before me. I closed my eyes and held my breath. Surely, I was noticeable. But they had not seen me and just closed the closet and I was left in the dark again. How long was this going to take? The anxiety was getting to me now. I was hungry enough to eat one of my pastor’s shoes. They would never find me now. No one ever checks the same spot twice until they’re an idiot.
My mind began to drift again to the family with Pro-RC-AM racing, my favorite Nintendo game. We slept on a fold out couch and the oldest son had given me fuzzy dice because I loved them so much. Fuzzy dice to me meant the ultimate maturity and cool. Sitting on that fold out couch in their dark and scary house, staring at the TV…Nintendo music and computer noises blaring. I had two boys yelling at me to press A.
This was the 1980’s.
We didn’t have Nintendo till I was seven, when my father, in his last dying days, went out with us to Walden Computer on the Post Road and purchased his two daughters a Nintendo system and our first game, Super Mario Brothers 3. In Super Mario Brothers 3, you could make Mario turn into a raccoon using a special leaf and he could fly. The plot was ludicrous with the pirate ships with mini cannons, flying raccoons, and weird lands of ice and turtles. I wasted away my childhood with that precious box but when my father laid down his American Express for Super Mario Brothers 3, a purchase of sixty dollars for his two daughters that he would never live to see grow up; money was all he had to make us smile.
Through the cracks in the door, the sun was setting. The voices in the old Victorian house had ceased and the only sound now was my breath on the carpet. They must have stopped searching. I closed my eyes and positioned myself for a nap. Sleep grabbed hold on me and there I was, asleep with my face in my pastor’s dress shoe.
I dreamt of the dark of the closet, dark now and nothing else. The faceless strangers were standing in their driveways waving as my family drove away from them in the red BMW. Red, because my father let me pick the color and I wanted Red because it was my favorite color at the time. I always sighed a great relieve to be back in the arms of the family car and my parents…back to the house with the bridge and the brook running through the yard…where everything was normal, nothing had changed, and the anxious feelings would subside.
The closet door finally opened again to the Pastor himself and his wife. I opened my eyes to the bright of the lamp on their nightstand.
“Oh Emily, here you are! It’s so good to see you, we didn’t know where you were!”
The windows outside were filled with twilight. Had I been in this closet all day? I didn’t ask questions and stumbled to my feet.
As I picked at my lasagna the Pastor’s wife had made, I could only picture the strangers with their Nintendo games, Computer screens, and pool tables; all of them memories by material possessions and not by real human characteristics.
I put my milk glass down slowly on the table.
“When’s my mom coming back?”

So while Ross, me and Nathalie all lay in bed together (it was kinda nice actually...not sexual at all, just friends getting together and being friends) I was feeling kinda lonely for some reason and it was nice to have them all in my bed with me hugging me while i slept. All i night I had dreams about Bard being like as big as a State U. and everything was crazy...there were thunderstorms, people gave me their driver's licenses (dont ask me why) and i dreamt of trains, swimming, tornados (ive been dreaming about tornados almost every night) and a muttering transsexual that owned a diner and Fred Flinstone was really attracted to him/her...
Maybe it's college that has made me go crazy...but I doubt it. I have always been this weird...and college has told me to bring it out more...
So I have all these papers to write and I have almost eight pages of my Don McLean paper done and its due in six days. I haven't started my Tolstoy paper and that's due tuesday and as for philosophy...did somebody say "too many papers?" but I am not going to start that paper until Wednesday when everything is done, done, and also done.
It's true, I do miss the good ole fashion seduction...but I keep telling myself that i'll be in Maine soon and maybe some counselor will take pity on you...that would be just what i need. To stop dwelling on the past and to move forward...to think logically (sure you liked Blake a lot but when are you ever going to see him again???) or (Johnny Garrison is a motherfucker and waiting for a letter is stupid)
I wrote this great story about hide and go seek...it's actually a true story about how i hid in my pastor's shoe closet while playing hide and go seek with his son and they never found me until five hours later. It goes into this whole thinking of how Hide and Go Seek always scared the crap out of me because you were alone with your thoughts and all you could do was lie there and think about your life and what was going on with it. If i find a spare break...i'll type it (its in my journal, my real journal) and post it.
Maybe this sunday when i go to West Point, everything will be okay...but who knows..with all this work I should be doin i shouldn't go at all...oh well...i need a day to relax (if you can relax at West Point) and today isnt going to be one of them...i promised myself nine pages of my paper and to start the Kruetzer Sonata paper (which shouldn't be hard, that story was awesome) and to read some Rawls (ohhh man I hate everything about THAT guy)
Note to all: Double Delight Oreos (peanut butter and chocolate cream) are...orgasmic!

The busy day comes to a close...and I should be writing my paper(s) and other such random bullshit I've had to deal with. I'm really emotionally drained from the anxiousness of room draw. Me and Porter are living in Tremblay 102 and we have the best room ever. It's so cool, we love it so much! I'm so happy! It's the only good thing about the day. Everything about the week is good and bad.
GOOD
McBee and Jeff (Fencing Jeff) gave me an autographed picture of them drunk..it was awesome
BAD
Stupid so many papers
GOOD
Tremblay 102, 'nuff said
BAD
Ariel and Nathalie acting strange...but that usually happens...AND leaving my mom's day gift in boston!

Right now, we're looking to make some "Porn on the Cob" things...which is good...but I'm putting off this fucking paper...
I'm stressed and I want to beat myself...
If anything has some calming ideas...PLEASE TELL ME! I'm tense, confused, and upset... =(
I need some good ole fashion seduction!
Man I love this- "Nuff Said!"

What a shitty weekend!

I am emotionally drained, psyically injured, and stressed to no end by our supposed "boston" trip. And Johnny Garrison still hasn't written back...oh well...it's Emily's cursed luck.
So This weekend is too upsetting to discuss in full so I'll give you a gist of a story of a tale of a lecture.
I got into a car crash and, since i wasn't wearing a seat belt...i was bounced around like a Mexican Jumping Bean and landed on the floor of my friend's van with a concussion and a nose full of blood. I got to ride in an ambulance to the hospital (where the EMT did NOT hit on me) and they just pumped me full of painkillers and sent me on the merry way. The "Colonel..." (that's Ross' car) well...she's wounded seriously and might "be sent out to sea soon" says Ross...which is sad, because she was trooper and she saved my life.
I didn't get to see Blake this weekend and he was my primary reason to visit...so it was pointless to really go to Boston. =(
We lost Nathalie in Boston and we didn't know what was happening. I ended up reading "Akira" in the subway station...worried as shit...but we found her and we all had a good cry.
"What a crappy weekend!" We all said in unison, our eyes full of tears, in pain, and upset for the weekend...
While back at Bard
Jesse was getting it on all night!
My friend got into a car accident and has to have brain and heart surgery (that's the only bad thing that happened at Bard)
Spring Fling was under way and apparently awesome!
People jumped in moon bounces and inflatable full and i couldn't jump with my concussion!
I miss everything!!!!!!
So yes, Isaac, you are correct in saying that bad things naturally happen to me.
And NOW I HAVE WORK TO DO!
someone...PLEASE...make this nightmare go away...

A Good Mornin' to ya!
I'm up ever so early this morning because in 35 minutes we are off to boston! YAY! I'm ready for the craziest weekend this side of the Mississippi.
Okay, i dont expect Boston to be that great...i mean, I wanted to see Blake and all but you know now that he has other "plans" or something i dont know...I mean, I'll still see him but it wont be in the context that I really want. Oh well....Like Isaac said, "Usually bad things naturally happen to me."
I had a dream about Family Matters. You know those 2 minute montage comedy sketchs that are before the opening song and they usually have nothing to do with the show at all? It's like Carl sitting at the table and then Harriet says something and then they fight...urkle comes in, "HEY BIG GUY!" and they all laugh, everything is forgotten? and the theme music comes on with that sweeping shot of Chicago? Okay, I had a dream all in little 2 minute montages...over and over just family matters bullshit over and over...I kinda admit that they were pretty funny (one of them guest starred Puck from Real World San Fran, why...I have no clue) but it was pretty cool. But now it's 830 in the morning and I haven't up this early since like January or for like, fencing...
Last Night Ross took us to the Eveready in Hyde Park for our free meal he bought with government money as a present. We talked about Homestar Runner...A LOT! www.homestarrunner.com....oh man, Go...it's the shit. and we talked about making our own comedy troupe. Dave 1's friend goes to Worchester Polytechnic Institute adn they make all these comedy internet sketches...and so I thought, "Hey, Bard kids are naturally more funny than these computer nerds at WPI...we could totally kick their asses..." So next year, we're startin' an internet troupe called "Porn on the Cob" and we're going to kick WPI's nerdy computer lovin' butt... =) I say, this is war...
But anyway, It's time for me to go to pack up for Boston...We leave in 30 minutes! =)
Have great weekends y'all...

Ever have a strange dream where nothing makes sense at all? I tell you something...last night's dream was so confusing...like little vignettes in this whole symbolic puzzle. The first dream was about this giant tornado that hit Robbins and all the windows broke and me and these two upperclassman were holding onto this tree while the Tornado came. The second vignette was lying in bed with...Colin (Bard kids...i like Colin and all, but no sex will be exchanged between me and him) in his hotel room. Even in my dreams i don't want to have sex with him! So this one was the most pronounced in my head: i was dropping my friend James off at the Naval Academy and all these guys were in this large hall in uniform doing drills. My mom was waiting in the family car to check in James. Then, I saw Jeremy and Dave 1 and they were fighting in the balcony...I went up to talk to them but they were too busy kicking the shit out of these midshipmen...it was weird. And then the walls came down and crushed all the new recruits and dave fell on top of the walls and started to thow up all over the place...I went outside as quickly as I could to my mother who was next in line. An old man asked her to "check her weapons" and my mom handed him a shotgun and a handgun! I was like, what the hell...and the old man told her she could park near the arts building...bullshit the Naval Academy has an arts building...But instead of parking she drove away and I ended up standing in the snow with all these midshipman and a woman telling us when our next meeting was. I was taking classes with the Naval Academy? There was a raccoon sitting on my car and we were next to a rundown train station. We were all quiet until it left and the woman turned to me and said...."Take 213 all the way home...and we will see you on tuesday."
I woke up to the song of my roomy's really loud phone ringing...stupid loud phone...and then my phone rang and it was Ross and he asked me a dumb question and now I'm cranky as all shit.
Oh well...it wasn't as bad as the news I got yesterday... =(
And the weather outside just proves how crappy my day is going to be. I'm locked in this room until i promised myself a paper of three pages in length for my final project on that jerk Don McLean and his so called "American Pie."
I am growing up too fast. I need to be ignorant a few more decades.

Yeah so right now I'm drugged on Benadryl, birth control, and allegra. It's super sweet. I'm just countin' down the seconds till I'm passed out on the floor with my limbs flailin' wildly and such. Should be interesting. Maybe Nathalie will take photos. That would be kinda cool. Right now Nathalie is translating Simpsons' quotes online into different languages and then putting them back into English...some of them are funny. "Mom, I feel kinda funny about wearing white, you know...Milhouse." and that quote came out in English as something to do with a "port space bar." What the hell?
They need an extra guy for being a camp counselor at NEMC and I hope Jeff gets the job. Spending the whole summer with him would be awesome!
Oh man, the medication is really hittin' me. I'm loving every minute of it.
So people are talking about my short story (see below) and they say it's really good and full of pain. So if you want to cry or look into my pathetic life, take a read.
Johnny still hasn't written me. Oh well...I'm starting to care less and less about that fuckin' asshole. =(
Peter Sourian told me not to be a purple alligator in class today...I'm still confused. I think it was about Indiana but I didn't see any alligators in Indiana...only pick up trucks, caddyshack, hicks, liquor, bathroom ceilings and wal mart after wal mart after fucking wal mart.
Whoa, maybe I should go to bed, everything is growing dark.
Farewell my sober (well maybe you aren't sober) loves of my life!