Friday, August 30, 2002
You should see me now...I am a zombie.
Today I watched Stardust Memories...a bizarre dark humored Woody Allen movie...and I'm confused but it was good, because he goes for that self indulgent touch of making something creative one big inside joke so people think it's smart when its really an attack on only a few people.
He lives inside himself, as do I...and hey, maybe i'll marry my adopted son...
for all those academy awards and fame he has...why not...I mean, I like younger guys...Pete Schiller could even be my son if i wanted him to be...well then i would have had to have him when i was like three or four, and for a child that young to have a kid...well, that's not possible...
My mind is melting...all that pharmacy work...I need to read something with knowledge and power but I lost all that during camp when I was trying to teach my kids that jokes about Catholic priests weren't funny even if the counselor laughs and yes, George W. Bush is a moron but you can't keep making improv jokes about him all the time...it's funny once...
I found a mix i must have made for someone, because i put my most depressed music on it. It's labeled, "A Special Mix" but all it made me cry for no reason last night...
So i bought myself 100 dollars worth of Copland and Richard Ford to make me blues float out thee window. 86 dollars spent for five CDs and two books...not a bad dealio
I'm going to bed...
Today I watched Stardust Memories...a bizarre dark humored Woody Allen movie...and I'm confused but it was good, because he goes for that self indulgent touch of making something creative one big inside joke so people think it's smart when its really an attack on only a few people.
He lives inside himself, as do I...and hey, maybe i'll marry my adopted son...
for all those academy awards and fame he has...why not...I mean, I like younger guys...Pete Schiller could even be my son if i wanted him to be...well then i would have had to have him when i was like three or four, and for a child that young to have a kid...well, that's not possible...
My mind is melting...all that pharmacy work...I need to read something with knowledge and power but I lost all that during camp when I was trying to teach my kids that jokes about Catholic priests weren't funny even if the counselor laughs and yes, George W. Bush is a moron but you can't keep making improv jokes about him all the time...it's funny once...
I found a mix i must have made for someone, because i put my most depressed music on it. It's labeled, "A Special Mix" but all it made me cry for no reason last night...
So i bought myself 100 dollars worth of Copland and Richard Ford to make me blues float out thee window. 86 dollars spent for five CDs and two books...not a bad dealio
I'm going to bed...
Thursday, August 29, 2002
Get me away from Darien and my job and everything! I need to learn...I need to get away from this nightmare they call Fairfield County! I need knowledge, I need the smell of Olin on my clothing.
Man, am I a needy person or what!
Emily,
We arrived here this afternoon. Topsy-turvy weather. Everything is fine so far. Hope everything is OK with you. We have plenty of hikes to do over the week. You might like the wildernees, it sure is different than Harvard Love, Pete
Man, am I a needy person or what!
Emily,
We arrived here this afternoon. Topsy-turvy weather. Everything is fine so far. Hope everything is OK with you. We have plenty of hikes to do over the week. You might like the wildernees, it sure is different than Harvard Love, Pete
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
So I was looking through my tapes and I found this tape...my old camp talking tape...and i listen to it and there's Pete Schiller, with a high voice and without the British accent, talking about Monty Python and missing me...this is just crazy! Well, i put it on the computer so if you want to take a listen, give a holler...it's quite...shall we say, HILLARIOUS! I almost wet myself with laughter.
My tape collection is really a collection of my childhood...it's quite amusing the time i spent on these...i just found a tape full of commercials. How odd!
My tape collection is really a collection of my childhood...it's quite amusing the time i spent on these...i just found a tape full of commercials. How odd!
Question of the day: Can Emily win with just plain class? Of course you're asking yourself, "What class?"
I read people's blogs and they are just so packed with exciting vocab, their lives are actually worth reading...they have struggle...they have peril...they have adventure...
I have pharmacy work and Peter Alfred Schiller. That is no basis for an exciting human epic!
Maybe Alex (if he's ever right) is right about one thing: I am too colloquial...I am too lowbrow. My stories aren't filled with large dialogue, human struggle, a human existence to try and get somewhere in life.
But try as a I might, I will still try...I shouldn't be jealous of others fancy and easy ability to write words on the page. I have that ability too, except it is in a more high school sort of way...and when was that ever bad? Here's a few lines from my new play:
A: Oh our lives never meshed until summer and a summer when we were little were just fantasies. It’s this entire giant fantastic blur. The only thing I can remember about my childhood was the guff I got from my peers. But summer…that was the time when all my silliness paid off and I was rewarded with some semblance of bliss and sexual gratification.
Oh why bitch anymore? I just need the kick of school to begin and everything will be fine...yes, optomism Emily, tis a powerful thing....
I read people's blogs and they are just so packed with exciting vocab, their lives are actually worth reading...they have struggle...they have peril...they have adventure...
I have pharmacy work and Peter Alfred Schiller. That is no basis for an exciting human epic!
Maybe Alex (if he's ever right) is right about one thing: I am too colloquial...I am too lowbrow. My stories aren't filled with large dialogue, human struggle, a human existence to try and get somewhere in life.
But try as a I might, I will still try...I shouldn't be jealous of others fancy and easy ability to write words on the page. I have that ability too, except it is in a more high school sort of way...and when was that ever bad? Here's a few lines from my new play:
A: Oh our lives never meshed until summer and a summer when we were little were just fantasies. It’s this entire giant fantastic blur. The only thing I can remember about my childhood was the guff I got from my peers. But summer…that was the time when all my silliness paid off and I was rewarded with some semblance of bliss and sexual gratification.
Oh why bitch anymore? I just need the kick of school to begin and everything will be fine...yes, optomism Emily, tis a powerful thing....
Tuesday, August 27, 2002
I worked for eight hours...damn pharmacy!
I dreamt about Philly all night...and when i woke up, my neck was strangely all fucked up...I have been popping pills all day. From Motrin, Advil, Tylenol...
I have started to write again, thank the Lord! It's called L'Avenir de Trois or in English, "The Future of Three." It's about three people that remember their childhood.
There isn't really much to say...I have lost my witty and urbane touch on reality...hopefully a jump start to school will help that out.
sadness...
I dreamt about Philly all night...and when i woke up, my neck was strangely all fucked up...I have been popping pills all day. From Motrin, Advil, Tylenol...
I have started to write again, thank the Lord! It's called L'Avenir de Trois or in English, "The Future of Three." It's about three people that remember their childhood.
There isn't really much to say...I have lost my witty and urbane touch on reality...hopefully a jump start to school will help that out.
sadness...
Monday, August 26, 2002
So i got a letter from Pete today...and it's the most depressing and beautiful thing i have ever read...
It's so sad...I dont know what to say or anything...I want to write about him because he truly is a wonderful person but...i can't.
I'm inhibited by these strange feelings of emptiness...I can tell that he's in a lot of pain when he was writing this...and it puts this severe emotional strain on me too. God, what do I do now? I'm in this relationship where I'm trapped and in love at the same time?
"He's safe" yes...blah blah blah that's what they tell me. But that's bullshit...you should feel the way you want...
The letter also feels depressed because...he seems mad that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship like I do. What am I to do now? Be sexually inactive while my junior in high school boyfriend, when he feels like it...writes me occasionally?
Oh Sauter, you're between a rock and hard place now....
"I feel like i left part of me at camp or with you, and you're filling that hole...Strange, I guess it means 'I love you'"
It's so sad...I dont know what to say or anything...I want to write about him because he truly is a wonderful person but...i can't.
I'm inhibited by these strange feelings of emptiness...I can tell that he's in a lot of pain when he was writing this...and it puts this severe emotional strain on me too. God, what do I do now? I'm in this relationship where I'm trapped and in love at the same time?
"He's safe" yes...blah blah blah that's what they tell me. But that's bullshit...you should feel the way you want...
The letter also feels depressed because...he seems mad that he doesn't have the energy for a relationship like I do. What am I to do now? Be sexually inactive while my junior in high school boyfriend, when he feels like it...writes me occasionally?
Oh Sauter, you're between a rock and hard place now....
"I feel like i left part of me at camp or with you, and you're filling that hole...Strange, I guess it means 'I love you'"
God this stupid Eminem song is so addicting...i cant stop listening!
Today I saw my Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was good...just what i needed.
I need to be creative because I'm not being creative...I just have all this leftover hostility from nothing.
Today was my last day of a whole day of freedom before spending all my days at the pharmacy making loads of cashola! 300 bucks will soon be mine soon!
Enough of writing...I'm moody!
Today was "family wash cars" day at the sauter house...the sauter women washed their cars...
Today I saw my Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was good...just what i needed.
I need to be creative because I'm not being creative...I just have all this leftover hostility from nothing.
Today was my last day of a whole day of freedom before spending all my days at the pharmacy making loads of cashola! 300 bucks will soon be mine soon!
Enough of writing...I'm moody!
Today was "family wash cars" day at the sauter house...the sauter women washed their cars...
Saturday, August 24, 2002
Song of the Day: "Gun Song" from Assassins...what a good song! It was a theme today...August 24th is GUN DAY! So happy gun day...
This weekend was the weekend of the worst places in the world...I never thought I would see both those places in one weekend...
Friday I went to the gyno...and my doctor has the same name...Dr. Sauter...it's very scary to have her put metal stuff in my "you know"
What an awful place....on God's green Earth, why would you want to do that? Even for all that money???
And then I went to West point for the first time in 10 months...having a guy in BDU's calling me ma'am...telling me to check my emissions sticker because it's been out of date for seven months...with their M-16s...
Speaking of 16, that's how many guns Alex has...sixteen guns...
Seeing Alex again was strange...not the best day of my life...but i think it was good that we said everything we needed to. I got all my johnny bitching over with...God I hate Johnny so much...I'd love to push him out of a window, save the world from a fucking psychopath...
Alex told me he got a letter from Johnny in Cali. "Dear Alex, Don't be mad about January...but you shouldn't date nerdy chicks..."
He ruined it for the rest of them...all men interested in me, I'm not going to be interesting in them because of you, you asshole...you psychologically ruined my life...
and I hate you so much...so much that I would love to...
Calm down Emily...
Another day without a letter from blissful Pete...I miss him a lot and wish he would write me but alas...no letter...I hope he's not pulling a Johnny Garrison on me too...that would be BAD...
Wow, I didn't know I was in such a shitty mood...oh well...I think i need a break from the military...or I need to punch a wall...
"In the USA...you can make your way, to the head of the line...BANG...to the head of the line"
This weekend was the weekend of the worst places in the world...I never thought I would see both those places in one weekend...
Friday I went to the gyno...and my doctor has the same name...Dr. Sauter...it's very scary to have her put metal stuff in my "you know"
What an awful place....on God's green Earth, why would you want to do that? Even for all that money???
And then I went to West point for the first time in 10 months...having a guy in BDU's calling me ma'am...telling me to check my emissions sticker because it's been out of date for seven months...with their M-16s...
Speaking of 16, that's how many guns Alex has...sixteen guns...
Seeing Alex again was strange...not the best day of my life...but i think it was good that we said everything we needed to. I got all my johnny bitching over with...God I hate Johnny so much...I'd love to push him out of a window, save the world from a fucking psychopath...
Alex told me he got a letter from Johnny in Cali. "Dear Alex, Don't be mad about January...but you shouldn't date nerdy chicks..."
He ruined it for the rest of them...all men interested in me, I'm not going to be interesting in them because of you, you asshole...you psychologically ruined my life...
and I hate you so much...so much that I would love to...
Calm down Emily...
Another day without a letter from blissful Pete...I miss him a lot and wish he would write me but alas...no letter...I hope he's not pulling a Johnny Garrison on me too...that would be BAD...
Wow, I didn't know I was in such a shitty mood...oh well...I think i need a break from the military...or I need to punch a wall...
"In the USA...you can make your way, to the head of the line...BANG...to the head of the line"
Friday, August 23, 2002
I woke up this morning refreshed and happy...no more sad Emily...no more depressed Emily...the only thing I am depressed about it is not being able to see Pete, or wake up to the sounds of rumaging 13 year old girls.
Yesterday Kevin and I were watching The Parent Trap and their first call was the exact same as NEMC's bugle first call....I was like, "Where's Pete?" "is it time for dinner already?" it's kinda sad actually...
Last night I realized that I'm growing up...I'm part excited and part scared as shit about it though. Growing up means a lot of things that I can't deal with. Growing up means that everything I have thought this summah is pretty much a big lie.
I came back into society with no one talking to me, feeling like the only person who actually cared was everyone's favorite friendless trumpeter Peter Alfred Schiller...
Boy was I wrong about that...
Yesterday Kevin and I were watching The Parent Trap and their first call was the exact same as NEMC's bugle first call....I was like, "Where's Pete?" "is it time for dinner already?" it's kinda sad actually...
Last night I realized that I'm growing up...I'm part excited and part scared as shit about it though. Growing up means a lot of things that I can't deal with. Growing up means that everything I have thought this summah is pretty much a big lie.
I came back into society with no one talking to me, feeling like the only person who actually cared was everyone's favorite friendless trumpeter Peter Alfred Schiller...
Boy was I wrong about that...
Thursday, August 22, 2002
So I'm back...
I was thinking about how nice it is to have my house back...my own room, no kids running around...no drama rec to teach, no curfew...no skunks...it's a paradise here and i think the best thing is that camp has taught me that I should be happy with all i have, cuz shit, i have too much...
So here it is at 12:24 and I'm staring at the picture of Pete crying at the breakfast table...he's forcing this pathetic smile...waving his hand in the air, wearing his "Dont tread on me" flag shirt...he looks so sad it almost made me cry in the parking lot of CVS.
I'm lonely here at home...Kevin is trying to make me feel better and its working a little...i came back to society and everything in Darien had changed...all my friends had changed and it was weird. i found out about everyone in such a short time...
I'm so lost...
I think it's time to write Pete...
It's good to be back in whitebred USA
I was thinking about how nice it is to have my house back...my own room, no kids running around...no drama rec to teach, no curfew...no skunks...it's a paradise here and i think the best thing is that camp has taught me that I should be happy with all i have, cuz shit, i have too much...
So here it is at 12:24 and I'm staring at the picture of Pete crying at the breakfast table...he's forcing this pathetic smile...waving his hand in the air, wearing his "Dont tread on me" flag shirt...he looks so sad it almost made me cry in the parking lot of CVS.
I'm lonely here at home...Kevin is trying to make me feel better and its working a little...i came back to society and everything in Darien had changed...all my friends had changed and it was weird. i found out about everyone in such a short time...
I'm so lost...
I think it's time to write Pete...
It's good to be back in whitebred USA
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
sauter's back and with much to say....
I'm going to publish on this my "Self Analysis: Answers to the Hardest Questions" on the blog so you can all know that I went crazy at camp...
I'll give you the gist in a few sentences...my co counselors were uptight, they told me i was a super camper, I got to be a housewife, blah blah blah...now I'm in a tangled relationship with a 16 year old friendless trumpeter named Pete...(he's the problem of my self analysis) so needless to say, my summer was completely awesome...
talk to me for further details
I have missed all of you and now, SHE'S BACK!
I'm going to publish on this my "Self Analysis: Answers to the Hardest Questions" on the blog so you can all know that I went crazy at camp...
I'll give you the gist in a few sentences...my co counselors were uptight, they told me i was a super camper, I got to be a housewife, blah blah blah...now I'm in a tangled relationship with a 16 year old friendless trumpeter named Pete...(he's the problem of my self analysis) so needless to say, my summer was completely awesome...
talk to me for further details
I have missed all of you and now, SHE'S BACK!
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