This weekend...shit...was an interesting experience of emotional breakdown, of trying to be a good friend...and trying to understand why humans are the way they are.

I always thought of myself as some sort of model girl...do no wrong, Lord I know that's not true...but the thing is that I don't understand how people can act the norms of society. Lord knows I wish i could be normal...but that's never going to happen and I thank God. But I learned a valuable lesson...that I am lucky. Bard is a really a place to think...I am glad I go to a school filled with a very rational group of people (Bard people may scoff at this but let me tell you something, go meet the assholes that my camp friend Chelsea lives with...then you might realize that no matter how much sex and drugs bard kids get into, they're still a hell of a lot more mature than the assholes that go to so called "regular college")
Poor Chelsea, her roommate is so evil, she must be Johnny Garrison's cousin or something. I have come to realize that beyond my control, people are so evil. And you, some girl...one person, you want to change the course of human events and actually change people themselves. But the sad part is, because you are just one person, you never will...individuality is not that powerful...
But as my mind was buzzing driving at 2 AM from hartford last night...i realized that I wish i could do something...I could be a person that strives to help! But Emily Sauter, trying to do anything like that is just a stupid notion...it would never work.
I would like to crusade to get rid of evil people. That would be a good job. But I am not superman...
I am just some girl who wants to find America...

Welcome to my world, welcome to my world....welcome to my world of toys!!!

There's something soothing about Copland...i can't put my finger on it, but he just sounds "American" to me. Goodness knows I should be writing this for my American journal...because I'm "That Girl Finding America" or some bad title like that.
Today I learned that my 17 year old sister has had sex with six people. I am almost 20 and I have had sex, if I dont count that lovable Indiana experience, drum roll please...ONCE! One person, one time...The day was a blissfully warm June 8th, 2001...the time was 8:45 PM and the place was an all white master bedroom of Mr. Greco, my best friend's british boyfriend at the time's father's room....His name was Peter Sainz...he was the best and most caring boyfriend I have ever had even though I didn't think he realize he was. He was, after all...not the smartest boy in the world...not like the Alexander H. Raggios, the John F. O'Learys, the Gary Todd Johnsons...the intelligent assholes of my former...but he was smarter than all of them...in words I can't describe.
I think I have to start hating men again...something is telling me that would be a wise move

Because, I'm due...

Here I am in my towel...

This weekend I am going to go to University of Hartford to see the NEMC crowd. I miss them so much...because I make a joke like, "Hot damn!" or "KIMMAH" and everyone at college just looks at me like I'm the biggest loser on the planet. "Wicked good summah ya!"
Oh well...

I really dont have anything to write...I just wanted to say i was in a towel.

I apologize for the way I acted in my last blog. It was innapropriate...and I am truly sorry.

I saw my therapist for the first time...Dr. Crane...I thought that was great. I told her about Johnny Garrison...and what happened in Indiana...and then, she did it. She used the "R" word.
Now, I think from my recollection, I dont think i was...you know, the R word. I hate using the word because I wasn't...Maybe it's denial but I hate that word so much. But it scared me that people actually thought I was, by an asshole like Johnny Garrison! But it wasn't the r word...I can tell you that much, I wasn't. but other than that she's nice, I can tell right now she really hates Alex, and by looking at me...I know she feels bad for me for some unknown reason, like I've been through so much in such a short time...Poor Emily, look at her...blah blah blah, Indiana, Johnny Garrison, her Dad isn't alive, boo hoo....I just think its been a life experience....isn't everyone's life like this????

Today Porter and I went to the photo shop in Kingston and I got cards and new fuzzy slippers and magically cool new shoes for 20 bucks. Cheap shoes, where have you been all my life! Then we went to friendlys. It made me feel good to spend some time with her, she's awesome. Hopefully my therapy sessions won't be so taxing this Friday.

Trefor has informed me the West Point cadets are comin to Bard from 3-5...I dont even want to see them. The military of America is nothing but a hurtful, dangerous environment.

But I will tell you this, Hurley, NY...there's the "Only corn maze that salutes the heroes of 9/11" I'm going this Friday...who's in???

Instead of bitching...I will talk about my night in a calm rational manner....

But how can I when nothing happened? I looked good tonight but nothing...Do you have any idea how lonely I am? It's painful!! I've finally gotten over that idea that every guy is going to turn out like Johnny Garrison...but when I step out, there's no one!

I wrote John a letter a week ago and told him i felt used and to email me if he ever wanted to talk to me. Of course he never emailed me...which means another friend gone...how depressing...the shit keeps hitting the fan.

I'm not bitching! I'm telling it like it is. My self esteem is not existant...counseling will do me good. Ever feel like everyone looks at you because you're too immature and stupid to realize that the world hates you?
Shut up Emily, no one needs to hear this...

I'm going to bed...If Bard ends up being like this forever, Lord knows what's going to happen to me...

So I had this dream...

Okay, There's a crowd of people surrounding the president and an Arab tied up with a blindfold...i dont know if he was a suspected terrorist or anything...but the president yells, "To make an example for anyone else trying to ruin the American way of life." He takes out a Colt pistol and shoots the guy right in the chest! I was like, holy shit!
Then I had another dream of my love life to come. I was in a red dress in the 20s, ready for all these gentlemen callers to appear and they do appear and they're all cute but do you know who I ended up with? The talking dog!! So yes, I am scared...
Of course this party was in Indiana...Anna, Indiana...does that place even exist????

I should stop dreaming...

As I pop two tic tacs...it's six o'clock...I just bought 50 dollars worth of shit on Amazon...Clerks DVD, Animated clerks DVD, Nickel and Dimed and This book about travelling around getting American food...Liz Frank told me I should get them. I love Liz Frank, you know why? Because I go into her office and she makes me feel like a million bucks..."Oh you're so motivated...blah blah I love your drive, you're such a good student..." It just makes me feel good about myself. I handed in my shitty ass Huck Finn paper and I should be reading right now but I can't concentrate. There's oemthing that's holding me back for no reason...I dont get it.
What am I going to do tonight? I dont know...try to concentrate on reading "Debating Democracy" barf...

I want to know where the hell everyone is? No one is online, the dinner hour is upon us...and I have a hankerin' for some Campus Centre (good british spelling) but alas, I shall stay here till the phone ringeth...maybe concentrate on getting my Political reading or I should clean my room...considerin the woman and grandma and neighbor are comin...

oh well...hopefully everything will turn out okay...i have my first counseling appointment Monday...yay therapy!

It's been a while...

Today I joined the Bard Observer...now I am a journalist and their new cartoonist! My cartoon stars my favorite girl Annie Viller and a newbie to the Emily imagination station...Thatcher Prince in their "Adventures in Bardland"

"she's not the smartest, the prettiest, the dirtiest...she's just here at Bard, to get an education, instead she got an adventure...and a gay best friend"
Annie Viller's getting a survival lesson into a Bardian's life...with a gay dance major as her guide, she's discovering that in a land run by a vicious intellectual, and hated by the evil Hippie, life ain't what mama told her..."

Adventures in Bardland- It's a whole other country...

I also have to write an article about how Dave Shein is trying to get rid of our beloved Drag Race...I have to interview him Friday...and write an interview all day saturday...it's going to be great!
well, i've been cartoonin all night...I'm going to go, ummm...read walden! yeah, that's is...walden...
Bardland- Leon owns you

So it's settled...
I'm writing a book...the title is unknown...it's a non fiction memoirist adventure into America and regionalism. I'm going across America to study the behavior of individuals...
It's hard to describe what I want to write about it...because I'm confused as to what exactly it's about...regionalism is what I say, but who knows. But that's it...I'm writing a book. It makes me feel good that I'm actually writing something, a book...to discover America...to find out why we function in this world of chaos?

I went to Philly to visit Sean...we did nothing...and it was awesome...his roomy really is an asshole though. I feel bad for Sean.

My drive back to CT was filled with Americana memories...long lines in women's bathrooms, a Nathan's hotdog, a guy that pumped my gas was overly excited about his job...

It made me jealous for one moment

I have met the man of my dreams....

He is a waiter in a restaurant that is attached to a nightclub. Their menu is vast and hard to understand. I didn't know what to order so he sat next to me...He had glasses and puffy blonde hair, his voice was soothing. He told me his name was Peter. He told me not to order certain things, while on the other hand...I still couldn't understand the menu. All my friends were telling me to hurry up.
"That's okay." I said, "I'm not hungry."
"Oh come on..." Peter told me, looking into my eyes..."You have to eat something...you didn't come to a restaurant not to eat."
My God was his the most beautiful thing I have ever seen....I stood and looked at him. "How old are you?"
"21" he told me. It seems that all my friends had dissappeared and this all made sense.
"I don't know...I just have some feeling about you..." And he leaned and kissed me! Oh joy of joys, oh rapture!
He met my mother the next day, we drove in his old Ford Explorer, it was red. My mother seemed so happy. Finally a man in the household to be happy about...no more republicans, manwhores, or intellectuals...
We were off to get beer, Heineken keg cans...my mother told me that was okay and when we got back, we lay on the couch and drank, we were so happy.

And then I woke up...alone in a dorm full of hippies, sadnened by my loss of the perfect waiter.

A Point (finally):

There is never, and there never will...the final coup de grace of my life. When I raise my hand to speak in class, I know that what comes out of my is not what I reflect. I am merely a poor player in Leon Botstein's sick game of life.
I fell asleep today at 7:15 PM in a world of American paranoia. I dreamt of Walden and the safety of Thoreau, of flying through Copland's musical landscapes. I woke up in the coughing splutter, eyes full of tears, mouth full of allergic reaction. But none the less I felt safe. Safety is something we Americans covet as a treasure now, am i right?

Maybe there is a point...
Maybe I am here at Bard as an experiment...they're watching me through the light fixture. Leon with his mansion on the hill...peering down at Tremblay, "Now What do we have here?" I'm here as the joke...the stupid student joke, except then why not put light fixtures in all the stoner dorms...line the hallways of Tewks with real cameras...no, that's artificial stupidity.
So here I am Leon...do your worst.
Being stuck in a room with only books as your friends...can do a lot to you mentally

Using, I might add, the same template as fellow Bardian Emily Sauter, who has a lot of time and energy to write with, but not much to say.

Ahhh, my first bad review...of course this comes from Todd, and well...I mean, I can't blame him...he does write better than I do...and if my link button was working, i could show you...
Of course I don't use my Blog to show off my writing ability or use big words or anything like that. My blog is well, a technical journal...a town cryer announcing in the town square, "This is what Emily is saying...you may listen...or plug your ears."
I don't blame him for writing that...my writing style has been lacking in the months, having no inspiration to draw on, having no desire to actually think of writing creatively in the first place. It's not gone, i think...whereas it's hiding for me to find and it's pissing me off.

So Todd, what do you want me to say? How can I be as good as you??? Will I ever achieve your beautiful greatness?
I sure as hell hope not.

Happy Twin Day: Celebrating the sexiest twins in the America...

Tomorrow is Twin Day...something Jesse, Dave 1, and I have invented...because the name Patriot Day for September 11th is just "plane" (oh man, that was bad...I'm sorry) stupid...I mean, the only patriots on September 11th were the fucking terrorists that killed all the innocent people!!!
So We have named it twin day...in honor of the twin towers...and Jesse and I are dressing up like twins to honor the biggest and best twin there ever was!

Dave 3 gave me half his Adderall today at dinner...I'm actually kind of glad I took it, even though that's illegal...I think...but it really helped me (and is still helping me) get motivated into doing my school work...I'm way ahead of my courseload...so I can concentrate more on my papers instead.
I may sound like a dork...but I'm working so I can improve my grades...It's only been a week and I know so much about politics already, it's crazy...I was rambling to my composer friend jason about Social Darwinism and how it would be unconstitutional to go against the UN seeing that we fund most of it and all...I'm getting pretty savvy at the talk of politics...I can actually defend myself when I talk to Alex...except I added a 'whatever' in my debate and he got mad at me...but oh well...

I got my Copland CDs in the mail....5 CDs of Copland goodness...I'm melting with Copland glee! It's just great study music because it's so American, and since all my classes are American study classes...well...let me just say that I am really learning a lot about my country. We do a lot of shitty stuff...

Okay, I'm going to read and then I'm going to post up fencing posters for the fencing meeting this thrusday...
Philly is soon! HOORAH!!
Man, Copland's "Dream March" from the Red Pony is fantastic...
Bye Y'all...have a killer..i mean, great Twin Day!

There's too much to do and too little time to do it.

Oh Cliche but true!
My social life has consisted of reading alone in my room listening to the Amelie soundtrack...My only joy comes from a 15 minute break I allow myself to go to the bathroom and maybe talk online...I am very disciplined because I know it's the only way I can function...if i don't work, then i lose...if i do work, then i might be able to sleep at night.

There is a fly in our room that won't die. He is around and I would like to kill him. But he's just too crafty for me and porter. Oh sadness...
This weekend I go to Philly...I know this weekend I will lie awake and think: why did i leave? I have that paper on manifest destiny to write...I have that reading to do...I have to do this, i have to do that...
Slowly, I think i might have to go crazy. Emerson told me today in his "American Scholar" that to find genius, a man must find solitude...
I have found too much solitude. I know too much about American History...Dean Acheson, September 11th, FDR, Lizzie Borden, Child Labor laws, public opinion...it's all in my brain and I'm powerless to stop the surge of knowledge.

Learning is painful...
Tonight I'm cooking dinner...I find happiness in cooking...which makes me happy. It's a break from reading, a time to socialize and relax...I find it nice...
I want to watch TV but i can't get any channels...I want channels!!!
Next time you see me, make sure I'm breathing...for if I'm not, you can be sure that college has turned me into a robot.

Today was a day...it wasn't just a normal day but it was some semblance of a day!

I bought the Amelie sountrack...damn good..
I got a letter from Pete...he loves me!
I ate Japanese food...YAY
I did work..BOO!

Wow, I'm drugged from my allergy pill...GOODNIGHT!
hopefully tomorrow will be filled with starting my papers...oooh goody!

I am here on a thrusday night because usually thrusday night is the party night...but I have class so I have made it my learning night. I have read for the past two hours but I have now been disturbed by the glow of this frightful machine!
I have gotten some reading done, not much mind you...but some...hopefully I can finish chapter 17 of Nation of Nations tonight...that would be really nice. Reading Textbooks for fun is always something I took a lot of pride in, as you know...

I met a really hot guy today, Blair Culver...but knowing Bard, he's strange or likes guys or whines...hopefully I can gather up the courage in US lit class to say,
"Hey sexy pants...let's you and me read Emerson over dinner"

Only dreams, Emily...

Day 2 of my learning how to be a student again and not get killed.

Here's what I've been up to.
My reading so far is deathly...Emerson has too many meanings and it really makes interpretting his "nature" such a daunting task! I also have a lot of political science reading to do. My mind is slowly melting but I think it'll be okay. Maybe if i took some kind of sedative...a chill pill...

Wow, someone in this dorm is smoking up...it goes through the circulation...and you can get high if you stand over your vent. My room reeks of pot...and I don't smoke. It's ironic, don't you think?

I watched Amelie last night, what a great movie! I downloaded the soundtrack tonight while I was reading Emerson and I am just a happy kid listening to it. It's so French and cute...wow, I sound like a woman.

There was a thunderstorm when i went to sleep and I woke up five hours later and there was still a thunderstorm going on. I thought I hadn't slept at all and started to think that I was going crazy. Each clap of thunder was making me go crazy because it chimed that I was not sleeping. I go crazy sometimes.

Jesse and I are starting to cook more of our meals together...I made him hamburger helper tonight...with cheddar cheese sauce. We past the Burrito stand on our way to the supermarket...and that looked really good too. Food is my arch nemesis and I must destroy it!

I miss Pete...everything makes me think about him...hearing a trumpet, reading a book, listening to Ben Folds or hearing the theme from a summer place...stupid things that shouldn't make me think of Pete. I'm just lonely I think...and I hate being lonely. I need a stable shoulder to cry on. Alas, I think Pete will have to be the new Messiah.

I should get back to reading Debating Democracy, Acheson, We Now Know: Rethinking Cold War history, Major Problems in American Foreign Relations, Huck Finn, and The Selected Works of Emerson....YAY!

Here I am at the Kingdom of Bard!

Oh how I am lonely...it's nice to be back at school but I had forgotten how demonic Bard is...how rotten and awful it can be...all the debauchery and the decadence of drugs and alcohol...but that's society now isn't it? We thrive to destroy, don't we?

My room is very large with big windows...I really like it. I see myself hiding here, or hiding in my best friend's suite. My friends here are great though...I love them so much. I'm afraid though that I need a few more friends...I mean, i have Ross, Jeremy, Jesse, Dave 1, Porter, Peter, and "the rest" i could call them...I am happy here at Bardland, I just need to get into the swing of work work work! Hooray for work!

I'm so thirsty and my fridge is still freezin up...=( I need a snapple like it's my job!

Well here I am, a sophomore in love with a camper, my mind is a total blur, and my campy love for society is slowly floating down the toilet.

Question of the day (should be the century) How can i survive being a moral democrat who isn't religious but yet, there is no group that i can associate with that won't turn me into something else? Think about it.