I don't really have anything to say but that I really should be writing my paper on the presidency instead of sitting here writing...but oh well.

I really like my third cartoon and thanks to Monica, Tony, and Dave 1 for helping me come up with the idea.
Bienvenue a Montreal!

I went to the Green Onion today for the first time...It's actually really nice...I got some vitamin water, skim milk and a box of wheat thins for eight bucks. It's expensive but I have 131 Bard bucks to spare, so not to worry. I have a feeling that I'll be going there for a drink or a snack almost everyday...a healthy snack of course, because I'm watching what I eat. I was very impressed with it, for Bard...it's pretty good. The woman who runs it isn't like any other typical Bard worker who screams at you..."OH SO YOU WANT TO USE BARD BUCKS, EH?" or anything like LunchLady gym...she's just a kindly old woman who smiles and waves. Maybe Bard is finally learning not to hire psychos.

Well, off to fencing and weight training class...finally going to get out and shape up. I've been neglecting that for about...oh, ten years now.
Song of Fall: Everything in its right Place by Radiohead...I have NO idea why, but this song just makes me think about fall...it's weird...it reminds me of driving through the Bardland with a sweater on, feeling at ease with myself...
of course, that was Freshman year...oh remember freshman year? When Leon didn't hate me and men lined up at my door?
Yep, 2001...was a great year, except for twin day...twin day was a pimple on a perfect year.

The food that J and his roomy cooked tonight was amazing...Beef Curry and Schnitzl (spellin sucks) with rice and soda...I just was in heaven with the food!

I've decided (and I dont know why you care to know) That I'm going to go to West Point. It'll be good for me because the only reason i was scared of it in the first place was because of Alex and now that Alex is a dead and waning memory in my memory bank...I'm free to visit the Grey wonderland anytime I damn well please without the slightest bit of fear, although i shouldn't really go because my emisions sticker is still out of date...which I'll get yelled at again. And you know how i hate getting yelled at!
I signed up for an excercise class two times a week because I've been getting thick around the middle. I need to get in shape, it's important...If i don't, I'll be a fat lazy kid all my life and I'll hate it. So I'm going to start running and lifting and everything...I'm trying to make my life as positive as I can before it's too late and I'm the officer's wife who's strangled in a ditch off i-95.
My 2nd cartoon apparently made the aministration mad...something about underage drinking. This just confirms that Bard's aministation is shit in a box.

"It's all over the evening news...all about the fire in your life on the evening news..."

I forgot to mention that Dave 1's house was a nostalgia factory...Winnie the Pooh tapes, old Jetson movie glasses, Boy scout popcorn tins!

Porter hurt both her legs...so she was a good drunk hurt girl last night...she's a cutie

I'm getting more and more scared of my weight...I'm not a fat kid, but I'm just worried...it's been a while since some guy thought I was interesting and I'm getting paranoid. I think i have a social disease. And yes, this blog is funny I told you I had problems ha ha....

This is a blog and yet I'm afraid to write what I want to say in lieu that other people will make fun of me. I should not give a shit anymore. Oh wouldn't that be a treat, not caring what people think!!!

Back after Drag Race...I opened the bathroom door, there's a hole in our wall...okay that's fine, I'll have to pay for that...and then I open my room door...and there's Porter's shit all over my bed, her camera is open, my pillow is on her bed...and there's a note from Luke on the door. I'm just shaking my head on this one.

I'm glad I didn't go. I had a boatload of fun in a small New England town making breakfast with Trefor, Tali and Dave 1. We carved pumpkins, watched Rocky and Bullwinkle...and it was just a really awesome time. This pumpkin festival in Keene, NH is no child's fest my good friends...18000 pumpkins, ALL LIT UP in the streets of a cute New England Town, complete with Fireworks. I saw New England at its finest.
Dave 1 lives at the top of a hill called "Weathertop" in a cute cottage with one hell of a view. We drove to Marlow and all of a sudden, something appeared...that's right, there was SNOW ON THE GROUND! While we slept the first night, another 3 inches fell, making the woods into a winter wonderland. We made ourselves eggs and bacon and tea...
I'm sure Drag Race was good, with all its drinking and sex...but isn't it better finding out what America is about than letting some guy who's probably gay grope you.
Maybe I'm just Old Fashioned...

The thing i loved about Keene North's bathroom situation was there were four bathrooms the floor could fuck up...now there's only one bathroom
and there are always stoners fucking it up!

I hate that...

I had something to say but I forgot it....damn!

Well anyway, life for Emily has been improving slow and steady. School work is demanding but stable...papers have been decent...life could be better, a lot better...but I shouldn't complain.
I bought a new watch today...ummm it's pretty...yeah...I'm going to a pumpkin festival...ummm...what do you...ummm...think about that? huh?
Umm...I should read...wow, what a crappy entry!

"Where have all the parsnips gone?"

This is what happens when Emily is bored:


The Colloquial dreamboat
I’ve been reading Hemingway now for a while. I’m onto one of the Nick Adams stories; the one where the Indian husband cuts his throat open. Hemingway has a way of making his characters seem so one dimensional but also three dimensional at the same time. How he did that, I guess through experience. Experience makes the literal world go round so the Fates tell me. They tell me to tell the story of my life.
“But…my life is a Hemingway story…a one dimensional cubicle in an endless 9-5 job you hate. It’s claptrap; it’s a movie with an edge that no one gets. It’s a dark comedy that’s not funny.”
Destiny is one thing I don’t believe in. I’m not destined for great things if I explain my life to a screen. It’s not the way life works. Maybe for the lucky ones, but certainly not for me and certainly not ever.
So Hemingway, with your Biblical type story telling, I guess I should emulate your parables. After all, your life was war and big game shooting. And my life is of the Unknown Soldier.
It’s the simple “Johnny goes to Stockholm” kind of story. We find a man we hate and fall in love with him.
Johnny goes to Stockholm
Waste your cares away in Stockholm!
Revenge, murder, and decadence…we see it here in Stockholm!
You!
American boy!
Don’t be shy…step up to bat here in blissful Stockholm!
We are Stockholm!
I have a feeling you’ll be staying here for a long time.
Johnny gets revenge
American boy in big city seeks fortune.
But not in Stockholm…the city of dreams
But in America…the militaristic ballistic land of opportunity
Shoulder a rifle American boy
And destroy Stockholm!
One shot through the head is the American cure,
It’s what we Americans do best.
And you American boy…
You’re the best of the best

This weekend was amazing...

The weekend was complete when I turned on the TV and Rookie of the Year AND Angels in the Outfield were on at the SAME TIME! Talk about your ultimate good luck!
But the real treat was seeing Jon Stewart at the Beacon Theater last night. He actually made fun of my town.
Here was the joke:
"White kids always try to pretend they're black. 'What up? This shit is dope man!' And they have no environmental background to talk like this! I mean, come on! You're from Darien! Talking like that is about as natural as talking like a pirate. 'Hey how was the party last night?' "Arrrrrrr!'" - Jon Stewart
I feel so proud to part of my town.
I just finished my 2nd collage on American life. It's called "Life Goes On" after the ending statement of a Time magazine i was dismantling. It's just a lot of pictures of Dubya being an ass and a lot of pictures of the evil military forces. Im thinking of taking a few pictures of it and putting it on my website...it's pretty cool.
Well, i have to paper to write...and a lasagna to bake...and a house to clean...and a life to organize!

I'm in my safe realm of home...it's good to have a safe zone...

Tonight I dont think i can really do anything with anyone...I have work to do. And I'm wrestling with what I should have for dinner...Life should be good when all you're worried about is what you're going to have for dinner. I think i might pop over to the grocery store to buy an individual boboli pizza. That sounds pretty sweet about now.
Sean has a girlfriend and I'm proud of him. He's been waiting so long for anything to happen and now it is. And bravo Sean, may your sexual adventures be exciting and stimulating.
As for me, the entire male gender is on my shitlist at least till i meet one that doesn't stash drunk pictures of me on his computer or doesn't value the Civil War more than me.
I'm thinking this could be a while...

Enough about Alex...like I said, I'm never talking to him so alas, I hope to not bore you with talking about him anymore...
So on to the next asshole!

I was reading through my saved email...and I have a folder of John's emails...It's pretty pathetic we dont talk anymore, considering he always told me he loved me and all, but I guess I have to understand where he's coming from...or not. John was prone to take advantage of me too...though it took me three years to see that and he didn't take any pictures. John's almost as bad as Alex because he strung me along...I always trusted him (why i dont know) but I did, and now it seems his early decision to Yale is center stage or his younger women, or whatever tickles his fancy. But Emily has gone out of his mind I guess...and so be it. I cannot change his ways, and would I want to? No...
Alas another confidante drowned...

I have also decided not to go to drag race this year for reasons stated below. I don't think i can trust myself enough this year to go to a room full of debauchery. So, I'm going to a pumpkin festival instead. To be honest, I would rather go to the pumpkin festival anyway. So I bid all drag racers a fond and fun drag race without me...I'm sure not to be missed.

If you only knew the feelings that are pulsating through my brain...

I fucking hate the world right now...for being so low, dirty, and perverse...Tonight Alex sent me pictures of the New Years Eve party...where what really happened that night took place. there's one picture that made me as mad as I am now. There's a picture of Alex...and he's on top of me while i'm piss ass drunk and he's taking advantage of me and someone took a picture of it! HOW FUCKING SICK DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THAT!
So Alex Raggio...in my rage I say that I will NEVER talk to you again, because you dont deserve it...and I feel that now my revenge on Johnny stems to you too...oh, you can laugh at that...and tell me I'm stupid because I can live in this rose colored world, but Alex, you are the true problem to my existence...I can't stand the way you have threatened me, taken advantage of me...how cruel and low can you be? So, if you ever read this...fuck you, and I hope you live a poor and miserable life in your crappy Indiana world...
You, reader of my journal...cannot know what it's like to be mentally raped...what can i do now but fear life again? Bard sure isn't the safe haven i took it for last year, rather a place where the rage can be heightened into nights of crying myself to sleep. I am not sure why I am telling the world this, but I am telling you all to beware...because I will not take the shit people have been spoon feeding me since i was ten...I am not the pushover that was stepped on in high school...

Emily's mad...

ever feel like something bad is going to happen to you?

Today I wasted away my life...I listened to classical music and read about Nam flashbacks and then watched Porn n' Chicken...I do feel pathetic...but when haven't I? I mean, isn't that my goal?

I have decided to turn my book into an "American" non-fiction, fiction frenzy...because I want to experiment into my realm of dark comedy...pretty sad...but I really want to try my hand at it. I think i could do something good with it.
I don't really feel good...something is wrong with me. I am trying to change myself again...which is bad. Nothing is worse than trying to change yourself.
We could do something good...but i should stop changing myself...
wow, i really dont have anything constructive to say.

I am at home...

Today I got a letter from Peter for the first time in a month...his letter seemed to be a reply of how sorry he felt that he hadn't written but at the same time it seems that the Civil War means more to him. He is a rookie at this and I certainly am not so I shouldn't make haste to make him see that you cannot ignore the woman you supposedly love.
My therapist solved my West Point crisis.
"Why" she asked me, "Do you go to West Point when you are obviously scared of it...you should respect your fear and not force yourself to go their constantly?"
I should respect my fear of West Point...and so I will attend the seminar the first time, but magically "feel ill" the second time...yes, lying would not be good to Bill Mullen, but it would save me the fears of going back to that wretched place. West Point is one of my biggest fears...though I can't explain why, Dr. Crane told me it was because I am not accustomed to the institution and therefore feel out of place. If something happens where I want to go back I shall, but as for now...I would rather stay away from that place for good than to press my fears by entering it again and again only to be more frightened.
Off to read Moby Dick...if you don't mind.

I am going to do the West Point seminar...because after all, we do things we dont want to...am I right?

I watched Pride and Prejudice last night and will watch the second DVD today (it's 5.5 hours long!!!) But it is so very good and I love it. I only wish I could live in that time period for I would have nothing to do but sit and wait for men to swoon. Easier said than done I'm sure.
I talked to Caitlin Breen last night...its been so long she thought i was still dating Alex. I told her about Pete, she told me that Ned was enjoying the Naval Academy and all that. I should really go visit him for my book...when my friend James goes there, I will be sure to pay him a call or two...I would love to see his face when I shake his hand. Hopefully the military has taught him about how it's good to be polite to people and not ignore them for three years on the basis of nothing. Ahhh the military yields such sparkling characters...
Well, I'm off to the campus center and then off to the "Klineland" I thought Kline would be a good name for Germany's famed demilitarized zone...though I dont think Hitler would be inclined to take over this Klineland, but yet again...Hitler was a greedy man. I'm sure Hitler would find Kline a suitable gas chamber.

Let me just say one thing...

I am not mad at Jesse Aylen...I am mad at his ability to make me wait for him. I have my own schedule, I like hanging out with him because he is good company and my best friend...but when a friend keeps blowing you off and making fun of you...well, then I think I have to comprehend who my friends really are. I am not sorry...I will never be sorry...even if I am still your friend I will not be sorry for my actions.

I will not lose again...like all those other times in my life where I have lost. I am going to make this one count.
So Jesse, I am not mad at you...but it's your attitude that's bothering me...
you can tell me I'm the same way whatever...this isn't about me, this is about you...
As Alex used to say to me all the time: change my dear....

Of course Alex wanted me to become a spineless American beauty...
Just look at yourself Jesse...

Reading the news now has frightened me again...
I am not a paranoid person about the news...But going to Iraq is scaring me...I dont know. Doesn't it seem so not important? I dont understand...I am an American Studies Major, I have read the news everyday on this subject and I still don't get it. I am becoming the subdued person I was after 9/11...reading the news and then crawling into a small corner, retreating...
I dont want fighter jets over my house again like they were last year. I just want it to be like it was when we didn't care about anything...that we had a golden age...
But I just can't fight it anymore...we're going to go to war with Iraq...all my west point friends are going to die...and that's the way life goes...

Just as long as we dont have a Vietnam 2...
I dont want anyone's number coming up...

a good idea for "Adventures in Bardland"

Annie: So how's your hamburger stand on the triangle going?
Thatcher: Great, those Feitler kids will believe anything you tell them!

So I'm sick, we're going to war with Iraq, and I have to go to orchestra tomorrow...

I don't like all this Iraq crap...Bush is such a jerk...He's just doing it because Daddy couldn't oust him so Little George has to do it. Makes me sad to be an American...

Today I got up the energy to CVS and buy a new box of tissues and Vitiman C drops. I got a lot of gatorades too but my taste buds are really messed up so I really can't taste anything...Gatorade just tastes kinda bitter and sweet at the same time...it's weird. Yet, I still keep drinking it..

It's been almost a month since I got a letter from Peter Alfred Schiller...I hope he hasn't got Johnny Garrison syndrome of just, not writing back...there has to be something wrong here. Pete pledged his love to me, his counselor...and I expected that me, being his first love ever...he would bow and break before me...but I guess that I am not as important as I used to be. Even in the world of 16 year old boys, I don't have a chance.

I should really stop drinking this gatorade...

I am sick....

It's just a bad head cold but it's really dragging me down...I really can't function except reading and watching movies. I have a paper due and I really want to start it, but I really dont have the mental capacity to even start it. It's about Thoreau's Walden and his bean field but it's just too thick and dense to even start. So i am confined to my pjs, my bed, and a stack of books I have to read. I tried to read the Mr. X telegram about the Soviet Union but it's too much work...

Being sick really sucks. I wish i was home, then i could watch TV with a gatorade...that would be awesome. I think I'm going to watch Half Baked or The big lebowski or the royal tenenbaums next...after all, that's all I'm good for...reading and watching movies...

if you want to make me feel better...give me a call...I am bored with reading about politics and Moby Dick...=(

Or take me to get more dayquil...im running out...

the question now is: what now?

Do I apologize? Do I get down on my sore knees and cry out, "Botstein, I'm sorry!" My newest character is wearing a shirt that says, "I'm sorry Leon" I don't want to apologize, but this is the top of the top...the ringmaster of the circus of Bard! Rain says i shouldn't apologize but this man has pull...he could destroy my Bard career if Ididn't comply with this simple request of the powerful words, "I'm sorry."

I have to apologize...my life, I feel...is always going to be walking the tightrope...which could be fun. After all, I left the office of Dave Shein pretty happy with myself...I had made a small dent in the structure of Bardland...

She's a strong structure too...

"You've achieved infamy as a sophomore" were the words that were uttered from Dave Shein's mouth, the dean of students...

So my cartoon was a hit, but apparently not to our president Leon Botstein...who read the cartoon and apparently was furious. "What do we know about this Emily Sauter" he asked Dave Shein...He thinks I have a creative genius but I can "go too far" he told me in my meeting with him this morning. I felt like i was in the principal's office. So now i have to apologize to Leon and I'll probably do it in my cartoon.
I mean, I did achieve infamy at Bard...that's hard to do...you really have to be an asshole to achieve it...so note to bard kids, make fun of Leon's sex life, and you're in.
Basically in my meeting the dean told me that it was libel and that i can't "cross lines" anymore. It's hard at Bard, you can make fun of everything...but apparently not Leon's sex life..Being sued for my first cartoon by Bard College would really suck.
"I didn't think Leon read the observer" I said...
"He reads it cover to cover" replied Dave Shein.
So now I'm being watched I'm sure...but it's all good...I have achieved infamy. I'm somebody. So they can watch me all they want. Go ahead...

I have known I was a moron for a while...but this recent action should be like, in some HALL OF MORONS!

I signed up for the West Point joint seminar AGAIN! What did i tell myself, that the military was not a place for Emily's ideals...What did we learn from Alex Raggio? A whole lot...that men think they own the world once you give them a fucking gun.

But i have a reason to go (this time it's not to scope out the uniforms) it's to research my book...to ask around...to find out what west point cadets think of America...and maybe, just maybe...I can find America in some poor soul...and not just a group of JohnnyGarrisons from Muncie, Indiana...this time it's for research, not to find a "real man"

Still, I am a moron...a big huge moron...stamp a moron sticker on my forehead, because I fucking deserve it.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...