"What I do, when lightning strikes me?"

I've been drugged all day...by one little tiny Dimetapp 12 hour allergy relief. My life flashed before my eyes in the car ride from Darien to the city today to see "The Goat" with Sally Field. She breaks a lot of shit in that play...it's pretty awesome. I was sitting at the table at Jo Allen restaurant with my cousin and his girlfriend Gloria. I do enjoy Gloria, because when I talk to her, she makes me sound like a gossipy Italian Jersey woman, just like her. Except we were talking Faulkner and speech therapy and not hair and nails. Gloria nudged me and asked me if I was still with Alex and I made a disgusted face. She then asked if there was someone else.
And what could I tell them? Telling them that Braden is my boyfriend is a lie...but having no one is also a lie. So I just "I don't know...not really"
All of my days I have been searching for closure from everything from Indiana to Braden. I just want answers, not having to be damn Nancy Drew and snoop around for clues. It took me 9 months to find out what REALLY happened in Indiana and now, I have to tip toe, begging the Suite F kids for clues to figure out how to get Braden to be mine...
All weekend, especially now that I'm drugged up good, I've been dreaming of the way to get him to submit into the arms of Emily Sauter (and I know there are a lot of you out there that are feeling sorry for Braden if he ever ends up with me...that he should stay this clean slate forever, well let me tell you something...I'm not the thing anyone of you remember me by...I've been harden by life...) My ideas are pretty bad. But I think all it will take is a little batman and some "fancy footwork." It'll be like Pete Schiller...but with copious amounts of alcohol.

I drew a cartoon of Braden and I'm thinking of turning into a painting. We're standing in a corner and I'm wearing a Harry Potter shirt and I lean over to him and ask, "Hey, how about we act mature for once? You know, you act like you're 22 and i'll be the naive 19 year old?"
You never know, acting our ages could be thrilling!

I threw a dinner party last night...
It was kinda like the Friday night dinners that I usually go to at Bard...but we had a better kitchen and the cooking expertise of my mother and no alcohol. Steak, baked potatos, and make your own brownie sundaes.
We also went to Blockbuster and rented one real movie...and one movie we could make fun of. We rented Monsters Inc. because it's a quality movie...and our fake movie...well let's just say I feel pretty stupid having watched it. That's right...we rented "How High" starring two fine actors, Method Man and Redman. We did laugh a lot because the movie was just rediculous. Maybe I'm a snobby white girl...but I feel stupid having to sit through that. One upside: The love interest was Lisa Turtle from our fav show, "Saved by the Bell." Everyone remember to watch the E! true hollywood story about Saved by the bell on sunday night at 8 PM. I know i'll be watching.
I do miss Bard though...I keep thinking about it...the good side (the suite) vs. the bad side (TERM PAPERS FROM HELL!)
I got my job schedule from the pharmacy for intersession
Come visit me Christmas Eve AND New Years Eve...because i'll be there, giving old people a hard time and eating candy

Thanksgiving baby!

I realize that there isn't really anything to talk about...because I'm sure all your thanksgivings were exactly like mine...the banter of what movies were good (I put in my shout out for Bowling for Columbine, but was blatantly ignored) the registered game of Trivial Pursuit (me and my aunt's nerdy nephew vs. the world...and we lost, big time) and the large bird and mashed potatoes heating on my uncle's wood burning stove.
Just the run of the mill t day...

I'm going to watch chick flicks and feel sorry for myself...
too much pie

Today I woke up at 7AM and outside my window was a winter wonderland...
I got so excited that I turned on the radio and jumped up and down when they said Darien schools were closed. And I stopped and said, "Wait...I'm a sophomore at Bard College..."
I went downstairs and Mom and I decided to make waffles and bacon. Being home isn't bad, it's just that it's cutting off my ability to hang out in Suite F. It's cutting off my ability to be social (though I do have my friends here and I love them dearly)
So now there's nothing to do but wait...let the seconds tick by and the minutes slowly twirl around the clock.

On a typically unrelated topic: Sean called Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash yesterday and none other than THE walt flannigan answered the phone. Sean says he's never washing his phone again. I don't know which Walt Flannigan moment I like best in Kevin Smith's movies but i think it has to be in Dogma outside the abortion clinic

"Fucking baby killers!"
"Tell 'em Steve Dave!"

Home at last...

I don't really want to be here right now...I'd rather be in the folds of Suite F than in the loving arms of my mother. Pathetic, yes...but yet it's been a while since I have felt the feelings I feel now. All this time I thought they had been taken away by the wrongdoers of my past...but now that I have found someone, I am giddy like a middle school girl at a dance...I am quite a sight to see I assure you.
Tomorrow I will be snowbound in my house with nothing but the loud mouth of the TV to keep me occupied.
As for the continued saga of "Two Nerds in Love" --- It should be called "One nerd in love...the other nerd is confused"
I am found that while my feelings for Braden grow, I believe he is growing distant. I know he likes me...he told me so himself, and why would he lie to me! We sit together in silence and stare at walls, waiting for something to happen, waiting for a sign.
I have drawn countless cartoons of me ripping my hair out in anger screaming, "Fuck me!" at the top of my lungs. I am anxious for something, anything to happen...and yet I know that I have to wait, sit here in the confines of the snow and home until I can stare at walls again with him at Bard.
She told me this would happen...but I never thought it would be this difficult...
"Don't you see...let it happen now"

My uncle called me this morning at 9:35 AM...
I was dreaming about flying through sterile rooms when the phone rang. I didn't think it was mine but it was. My uncle owns my old computer from high school and doesn't really know anything about computers. He told me he was writing an article for the Woodstock Times and needed to know how to save it onto a floppy disk. My uncle is one of the most cultured men I know...I admire his knowledge, library, his Victorian garden, his cooking. I just would assume he would be able to figure out how to save to a disk. But I don't hold it against him. I'm just glad I could help him out.

To continue with my saga of "two nerds in love" ---
Braden's twenty-second birthday is thrusday. I'm thinking of getting him a box of Wheat Thins so we can share in my obsession. It doesn't bother me that he's 22 and hasn't done anything sexual in nature in his whole life. I thought that was how I would end up. But for some reason, being near him turns me into a bumbling idiot. In teen movies: when the nerd wants to ask the cheerleader out on the date, he stumbles for words, freudian slips all over the place and ends up falling on his ass while the cheerleader steps on him. That's how I feel. I can't stop myself from saying the dumbest shit! Maybe it's because I am attracted to him or maybe it's because I'm a moron.
I'm just treading lightly around the sexual frustration I guess...
Tune in next time for another story of "Two Nerds in Love"
Same nerdy time
Same nerdy channel

Batman

I drew a picture of Braden in my journal today...looking innocent as always with the caption: "This could get messy"
But I shouldn't say that it's messy. There was another caption: Better than Alex.
Braden doesn't know how to mistreat a woman. Of course, as it was pointed out to me later...does he know how to treat a lady as well?
I could never picture Braden firing a gun or calling me a whore and telling me to bake a pie for him while he quietly sips a shitty warm beer and watches sports.

So what happens now you loyal readers who peer into my life like peering into an animal's glass prison at the zoo? Lord only knows.
We talked about it while we sat on the floor of the old gym. I looked like a secretary from the 1960's...he looked like my boss.
I had been drinking screwdrivers without orange juice and so...like two antisocial wallflowers at the middle school dance, I leaned over to him and told him. "you know, I like you a lot..." I almost said "more than a friend" I swear.
He looked at me with his pretty little boy blue eyes. "So they've told me. Well, I kinda like you too. But I don't really know what to do next. You should come over to my room and watch batman."
Batman...Braden's little obsession. Well I have obsessions: the military, wheat thins, the History channel, Woody Allen movies...
So after watching Batman Returns...will everything be right in the world?
Stay tuned for the next spinetingling story of:
Two Nerds in Love

Welcome to Tremblay

Today I have guests at Tremblay 102...and we all should be asleep on the floor
but NO!

The stoners tonight are louder than they have ever been in my entire life...and I feel awful about it. They're sleeping on the floor while the stoners scream for their bongs and slam doors. What is a girl to do? If I ever date Braden...I'm spending weekends with him in his quiet suite.

He's wearing a purple suit to the ISO. I've always wanted to date a man who wears a purple suit.

It's 3:40 AM...

I have therapy in about 6 hours...but I've been watching "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" with Braden instead of sleeping. Maybe the reason I like him so much is because he watches cartoons just like me but rather he is untouched, untainted by the world and surroundings...Like Pete almost, the "box with airholes" crap. He doesn't have a history of wrongdoings like I do.

Maybe that's what I need...a man with a clean slate to also wipe my misfortunes away...

Today over lunch Jesse told me Operation: Effort was stupid. But didn't I say yesterday that it was? They are "operations" and yes, that has military connotations but aren't I doing what every military has been doing for centuries?
I have a plan...strategic posts, I am the general...
I am going into somewhat hostile territory...where there could be emotional casulties and fatigue
And finally, I must take over this "new land" for my own...thus winning the war

I don't claim to have a military mind and nor would I ever want one...but this just seems to make sense for me and I have proof it works...
And one day, Like Napoleon (though I'm not taking all of Europe, just a small country)...I will be exiled by the nation that I so loved and that's the way life is. But if this were really war...

I wouldn't get to do it again and again until I die

Operation: Effort

It's been a few days since Operation: Effort started...and it's been doing pretty well.
Last night we watched the Ice Storm...
Tonight was kind of a loss but...
Tomorrow is Clerks Animated.

Can I ask you something? You all know it's been a year for me...for having a boyfriend (if you can call whatever I dated a boyfriend) and maybe one day something will happen and everything will be wine and roses...but is this pathetic? I mean, Operation: Effort...is it worth it?
I remember my other Operations...
The 5th Victim: It only took me 24 hours to make Brian Abend mine at summer camp in 2000...he was my "5th Victim" in my entire life to take interest in me.
Peter didn't have an operation name...
Alex probably did...but I don't really remember that relationship much now. Repressing it deep inside me is great.
But now Operation: Effort...
"this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"

Today the silence that broke gave me a heart attack

My arch nemesis of high school...my inspiration for my first novel...the first love of my life...
I hate him for what he did to me...he made me realize that I couldn't do whatever I wanted in life, that I wasn't either loved or unknown by the world. He was the first person who hated me with a passion and had no reason to do so.

And today, while i was putting on my coat....Ned Breen...IMed me with a cherry disposition.
It's been what, like 4 years since the boy has said anything nice to me? I remember making me cry in the middle of my all state audition for cello...remember throwing my keys onto his lawn at new years and saying, "get the fuck out of my house." I remember the rumors his mother spread about me time after time again...how I was a slut, a drunk, oh the list goes on Jane Breen...
And today, I talked to Ned Breen...oh the name still stings and makes me want to gag. I spent the good part of my high school career chasing Ned, much to his shagrin...and I had thought that he would have thrown my life from his brain. If you want a copy of Irrational Hypothesis, my book about Ned...I can probably find you a copy...but apparently today Ned felt the need to just jump back into my life...and I don't know what to feel about that. I have learned to push my feelings for him down into my soul, and the fact that he's at the Naval Academy doesn't really help much. I have learned to hate him. I have learned to want to destroy anything about him.
Here is a segment of My senior personal essay:
"To Critique Myself On a Very Personal Issue Concerning my First Novel Irrational Hypothesis and How I was Deranged and Blinded by Love for Timothy Edward Breen, Resident of Greenwich, CT and How He Hates me Now for No Reason and Why this Makes me Mad but He’s a Jerk Anyway so I shouldn’t be Worried at All but yet I Can’t Stop Writing about This Topic and how it Bothers me that Maybe I’m still Obsessed but I’m not." <-----I love the Title

Let me bring you up to date on the original story. I met Ned Breen at duel cabin activities, late June of 1998. I met him hitting on my best friend Catherine Marchant. They were sitting on a rock, chatting and talking while I was mingling with the other guys at music camp. I had no interest in all. Frankly I thought he was hideous. Catherine did think differently than I but Ned’s feelings changed on a Monday, trip day. We went mountain climbing and on the bus ride, he was writing. I asked what he was writing and he told me some shit war story my mind is fuzzy. I remember he asked me what I was writing and I told him some poetry. I used to want to be a poet. My poetry was crap but I thought it was good which was the sad part. It was basically about how Brian Robertson, my first obsession, had disappeared without a trace one day in November and never returned because he had some mental breakdown whatever. He’s now in Japan converting the Japanese to the ‘Latter day Saints’ cult that is Mormonism. Ned asked if he could read one. I picked the one, “Emotions” which was about how I felt like crap. I was going through that “nobody loves me” phase. He read it, closed his eyes and oh, did I mention he fell in love with me?

Of course that was in 1998, when I was 15 and unaware of how awful the opposite sex really was. It's strange...Ned talking to me again, smiling like none of this shit ever happened. And I'm a little pissed off because through all my trials of getting him to like me again, I sunk deeper and deeper into despair while he was buying edible undies for his girlfriend Anna (who was very cool by the way, but I'm still not allowed to hang out with her because her parents believe i'm a "bad influence" stupid Jane Breen's rumors) And now, years later...he suddenly realizes that maybe I'm not as obnoxious as he thought I was. That maybe I've been jaded from college or something to that degree so I'm a robot like his blessed Academy.

I don't really know what to think...but I did smile when he IMed me. Maybe I'm still under some "Breenian" spell.
Lord only knows I don't want history to repeat itself again...

We were under this strange spell that smelt of liquor, sex and violence
Don’t look at me like I’m crazy, because I’m not. I’ve been personally shot by the arrow of no return.

I have realized that I haven't spoken about West Point yet...
But there really isn't anything to say but I was pretty scared to the point of wanting to throw up over McCarthur's statue. But I maintained calm and sat quietly while in the midst of thousands of trained killers. Alex apparently hid in his room while I was there. I thought that was pretty stupid. Why hide from something that doesn't give a shit anymore like me!?
I told Diana and she told me he had "lost something and is acting strange." Then she told me that not talking to him was a stupid thing but everyone was acting stupid...she was so mad she just told me she couldn't deal with it anymore and signed off. I respect Diana so very much...I hate to see her mad at me, but I can't talk to Alex. How can I talk to someone who makes me feel like shit all the time!
I'm watching the Ice Storm tonight with Jesse because I finished my paper faster than expected and got most of my work done from the week. Hopefully, I give it a month, I will be eating with Porter at Le Cunard and being happy.
because making an effot is important in society

Sits up in bed and then lies back down, "What did I do last night???"

Yes, I actually said that, for the first time in my short life. I remember the night like any other night...me and the kids that live in Jesse's suite...lots of vodka and other such alcohol...sitting around, drink...make another drink...drink more. Then someone suggests a game of "Never have I ever"
Although I don't remember the complete night...I remember a lot more than I probably should. Like how Jesse wears Black boxer Briefs and the ages everyone started masturbating...I hardly know the people Jesse lives with and yet, I know when they started wacking off. We live in a great age...
But in a drunken stupor I managed to stumble out my secret crush's name...and everyone was shocked. My secret crush (God, what am I...13? "My Secret Crush"...it's not like he's 12 too...he's 21!) But anyway...I told and so I think, I can't remember...I think they told him. I remember being sad and having them all say, "But Emily, you're hot!" and they lean over to my secret crush and say, "Hey, isn't she hot?" and he says, "Yes she is..." But the thing is, if someone is sad they're not going to say, "No you're not hot you piece of shit..." so I take it for what it's worth I guess...
So when everyone was done being blantantly sexual, we all either started to throw up or we went to bed. My secret crush and company told me i shouldn't drive home and the weather was bad, so I slept there in the suite in a single, a nice warm bed with no stoners around! My secret crush before I went to bed looked at me and said, "You should come hang out with us more often..."
Apparently he's making an effot...so they say...so maybe this dry spell will end soon and Porter and I can finally eat at that awesome French restaurant we made as our goal for hooking up with someone.

Hi! This is Jeremy. I don't have a blog, so all this might not make sense or something. Nevermind. To Trefor - I agree with you that much of Emily's blog is sad. However, her blog is not only sad, but funny, emotional, crazy, intense, awesome, full of Bardy goodness, and well, lets just say its full of pure fun! It has all the elements of a long running television sitcom - good parts, bad parts, and a soon to be 'final' episode that will surely draw as many excited fans as it will exacberated critics.

Anyway, the following is an exerpt from my friend's blog:

MY WORLD! - EVERYONE'S BLOG

Well, today I got up and me had a good time with myself. Me me me. Then I went to MY class where I talked to MYSELF with MY teacher who is ME. It was a good day for ME.

-----------------------------------

That was an exerpt from my friend's blog - she so crazy.

So, Emily is drinking with the Computerly talented people that Jesse lives with. Its a party! We just saw "Bowling for Columbine" the new Michael Moore documentary, it was full of 'goody goodness' to quote one viewer. The New York Times say it is "Better than Emily's cartoons" and the Washington Post claim it is "Like a class with James Romm as a teacher - BUT NO BOTSTEIN!" Well, despite their interesting (and unique) praise for the film, it was a very amazing film.

So, it seems that Jesse has just made Emily "sort of a... a... fuzzy navel" which, if I remember correctly (I was barred from being a bar tender - is that the correct terminology - is that how to spell terminology?) is peach schnappes with a hint of love and a gallon of friendship. Ok, I'm done for now - hopefully this entry encouraged you to continue reading Emily's World... at least for a little while - c'mon we're gonna have to find out who that crush is eventually! I'm casting my vote for Robert Kelly.

A poem by Robert Kelly

Is it thinking?
Or am I dating Emily?

Ok, thats all.
Jeremy

The thing about today is that I realized something...about how my guy radar works...
and now i have a secret crush...but if i tell anyone at Bard they'll make fun of me. But he's just adorable and cute and funny...

Trefor today told me my blog was sad...but it's not crying, the writer is just lonely...so Trefor, while your opinion is valid, why do you read my blog if you're just going to rub it in my face that you're so much more in control of your life than me? I know you are...so the best thing to remedy this is for you to just stop reading...and then you can make fun of someone else and let me have my own opinions.

I'm listening to my music really loud...the stoners are having a party next door...so to combat the pot smell, I'm blasting the olympic team...

"Dude, is the torch passing by or something????"

To give you the extent of my writer's block...here's what I used to be able to accomplish

"I always thought the time would come where I would be faced with a situation that I couldn’t solve and the world would turn around and laugh at me. I never knew how soon that was until now.
I am not being scoffed at, only admired to a point, which is unsure.
No one is around to be weary of me…I am like the world unto itself
Talking is a special…or not so special talent I possess. It seems to me a shamble for me to waste my time when all I know is how my nose hurts and how I am in love with a man I hardly know.
Look at me, I’m not the fat girl in the corner now but mature, able to handle everything but my own imagination, which needs a lasso.
A tall confusion stands in front of me and I can’t do anything about it but get rid of the dark and quiet mystery.
I love you, I really do but what I have now is a man who could treat me like I was actually something and not nothing. Quoting Freud used to be a turn on, but now it’s a useless chore."

It doesn't make sense, but look at the wording, the metaphor! I can't do shit now...
The best phrase I have ever found in my writing was from two years ago:
"I don't cry over spilled words."

The Music Video

I started to walk home from orchestra at 10 PM...the music is Radiohead's "Paranoid Android" and the leaves are falling all around me...the temp. is about 50 degrees, I'm wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt and jeans (I look like Eminem...ohhh yeah, that's what I aspire to) and the outside lights are shining this foggy light...and then once that song is over Indigo girls' "Ghost" comes on...I look up at the sky and stop...and there's one star up in the sky...and then I realized I was in the twilight zone...
I felt like I was in a music video, one of those bitchy country singers walking in the dark singing to no one, staring up at the sky to look for inspiration...

It made me feel pretty pathetic...so I ran home, put on Ravel's string quartet and sank back to stare at the curtains my mom made for the room...so if you're ever at Tremblay here at the fabulous Bard college (we have a swingset here at college...we need a slide too, show other colleges that bard really is a place to "think") come over to Tremblay (mind the stoner shit everywhere...fucking losers are glueing barbie dolls to the walls, something Im going to have to pay for) and hang out for awhile...and keep me company while i walk so I don't think I'm in a music video anymore

So I know you loyal bloggers are all dying to know what happened with Konstantin...and so I'll tell you...
Let's go back for a moment and remember Alexander H. Raggio...the unyielding Republican values, the rediculous outbursts of random NRA bullshit...the threats, the intelligence that was wasted on stupid ideals and Pro American morals...all wrapped up inside a man trained by our government through MY tax dollars to kill.
And what does this have to do with Konstantin? Well...let's see, how about THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON! Only of course turn Alex into a nerdish bookworm with a long bilingual vocabulary and socialist, far left Bardian ideals...and Konstantin can't kill (unless of course you know, they're polluting the atmosphere by driving their white SUVs through the Republican Darien Elitist CEO filled valleys of smut and deceit blah blah blah)
I'm sad you know? Because I actually had faith that this guy would understand my American quest, but he's as blind as Alex! Moderates are the only people that get American society because they examine every possible angle! We don't scream and shit our pants when someone gets bombed...and we don't freak out when some asshole Democrat brings up disarming Automatic weapons (ohh no GUN CONTROL AHHHH) That's what sucks about America, Bard, the world...people don't sit back and enjoy the ride, they have to criticize every fucking thing..."Look its a Gucci store, those capitalist pigs" or "Cut the defense budget??? You fucking hippies"
You know what? Why can't we all just get along!
I'm going to bed...I need to fall in love with non partisans

I just got this Crite sheet from Mark Lindeman, my Government prof. It's not the best Crite sheet I've ever gotten but it rings true in a theme that has been a presence in most of my crite sheets: Satire...and it makes me feel all tingly all over!

"Emily is imcomparably the funniest student in the class, and better yet, her funniness is on topic. However Emily is not always very precise in enuciating her arugments; it is possible that she is a bit too concerned with humor at the expense of precision. If she really gets interested in politicial issues, she has a bright future in satirical analysis a la Molly Ivins."

See that...BRIGHT FUTURE...

It's going to be a good day...
Okay, off for lunch, see some old house...and then...CONSTITUTION STATE HERE I COME!

Tomorrow I'm going home for a day and then Saturday night I'm having dinner with West Point Jason...

Today in therapy my therapist asked me what my mother was like and i started to cry...all she asked was "what's your mom like?"
It was weird...

Kevin and Jen are setting me up (they want to at least) with a guy from CT named Konstantin...he's from Russia...and likes Punk music or something i dont know...but its been so long if my computer asked me out i would say yes (but my computer is an asshole...so i dont really know)

I don't really have anything to say other than i should be doing work but i dont want to...but I'm going home tomorrow! YAY

as I woke up after my dream of being the ugliest prostitute ever (I had shoulder hair!)...and the free breast examiner (yeah i dont know what was up with that) telling me I was "fat but fun..." I went online to check how the election went...well, it sucks because now the Republicans have control of the entire American government...
"Well" I thought..."This can't get much worse.."

Well it did get worse...there were no Wheat Thins in the Green Onion Grocer!
This just adds to a cold, rainy and foul day in Bardland...

The only good thing about today was I finally killed the fly that has been terrorizing my room...
Oh, and Porter and I didn't win the lottery...

Suicide is lookin' pretty sweet...or moving to Canada, at least they have universal health care

Maybe its the pounds of pot that my floormates smoke but I had some weird dreams...

I can only remember a few segments of this wacky world that My brain dwells in.
Dream Part #1: Monica and Todd come up to me and talk to me...Todd tells me that he loved using me...Monica agrees

Dream Part #2: The Movie Rudy is now a baseball movie shown on IMAX screens...I am married to Rudy, who I believe is played by some Handsomer version of Jim Carrey...little kids are playing outside and we hook up in front of them...then my body splits into 3 clones and we chase Rudy into a swimming pool...

Dream Part #3: I am part of the cast of the hit NBC show "Friends" where at this very moment, a child molester is trying to attack Ross' Ben and Rachel's beloved Emma. I try to stop him but he comes after me, biting me in the arm and I start to bleed. Chandler, Monica and I are hidden in the bathroom while Rudy, for some reason is there...kicks the child molester in the crotch but The child molester says that his nuts got shot off during Vietnam...Rudy curses the senseless war and we call the police, the police turns up to be a pregnant woman in a sheer dress that arrests the man and then stays with me to drink juice and watch Aladdin...

Now do normal people have dreams like that? I dont think so...

Porter and I became Americans and bought a lottery ticket today for the first time in our middle class lives. We didn't understand how to do it, and we felt really stupid but with the NY state lottery up to 75 Million Dollars, stupidity was worth it.

Okay I didn't see Santa Clause 2, but I got three really bitchin' shirts that all match and now I have 4 of the same shirt, which apparently embodies my mom's side of the family spirit...so my uncle says. They invited me for salmon burgers and to tour their victorian garden this weekend...but Jason also has invited me to walk around the charming villages of the Hudson Valley. Hopefully this weekend I will be invited back to Monica and Todd's dinner gathering...I did get drunk and hit on Tony...maybe that wasn't the smartest thing for me. But I dont really know...

Back to reading and sleeping...
I forgot how good Vince Guaraldi trio jazz really is...

Everything is in its right place...

Last night I had the honor of going to Monica and Todd's party...for chili and biscuits. and Wine...
I fell asleep on Monica's floor for a half hour in front of Jesse and Tony. I have red wine stains on my lips. I woke up this morning lonely again.
But I had a really good time...and today I'm having lunch with my mommy and my uncles (yeah they're gay! Hooray!) at some restaurant where I'm going wallow in my own...umm..something. Maybe wallow in my sandwich.
Oh and our room is clean...
And don't laugh, but I'm going to watch the Santa Clause 2 with my mommy today! Hey, it looks good...and Tim Allen, whoa, what a great actor hehehe
Catch ya on the flip side yall

well i got the crying out of me...which is good...but it was sad on what I cried about. See Porter and I have been two single girls and I took honor that a girl as beautiful as her was in the same lonely boat as me...but I learned that wasn't the case at 3 AM this morning...so it's just me now, I'm the lonely one.
Jason says my psychological problems are what society deems normal...but I'm sure that isn't that case. I feel like today I was getting worse and worse until my mental capacity was going to fly out the window holding my sanity by its hand. But I think its still here...I'm thinking of running home to Darien, but I'm sure mother would be confused and then i'd have to tell her the story of Indiana and one day yes, I'll tell her but for now that's just something that she can't really know. But i'll stay here in Bardland where it seems my antisocial behavior is at its top pinnacle. I don't blame college, I'd blame any college probably...
And I did see Punch Drunk Love...and it was good. But Adam Sandler's socially maladjusted character was almost like me...if I was a guy I'd probably punch glass and everything but I'm just a girl. And it saddened me that I could relate to a person as screwed up as he was? Except he had strength in the love of a beautiful woman...so he could do no wrong, and I have the love of nothing...so I lack the heroic values and sentiment.
Why it's 4 AM and I'm writing this I don't know...but I just wanted to warn you maybe that you should tread lightly around me for a while...
Damnit I thought it was Alex...I thought that Alex was gone I would be free and now I know that he was only a facet in my fucking complicated life...damnit! Why do i have to be so fucking not normal!
Okay I should stop crying and go to bed now...umm...yeah...goodnight

Maybe it was my past coming back to haunt me...but i feel like crying now.

I'm going to the movies with Jeremy...we're going to see Punch Drunk Love

Maybe that will make me not think of my pathetic life and make fun of Adam Sandler for a few hours

Today was the West Point seminar...
And dont you worry your pretty little head off...nothing happened. I didn't stare dreamingly into anyone's eyes or anything like that. So I think I'm safe.
I had counseling this morning and my therapist is going to help me. Apparently, from the questions she was asking me, I have social anxiety disorder. I don't want to have any disorder...I just want to be normal. She assured me I would heal me and all. I just wished that I had nothing to heal.
But seeing West Point cadets in dress greys brought it all back. They were walking to the campus center is two neat rows like Madeliene...and I leaned up against the wall and panicked. So i went downstairs and greeted them. I know my therapist told me not to force myself, but I had to be nice...they are humans too you know, even if they are trained to kill.

Tomorrow's the West Point seminar...
And I know what you're thinking...you're thinking about how stupid I am that I picked out my outfit a week in advance...but I dont give a shit.
Yeah that's right, go blow it all up your ass...because Emily doesn't care what you think...

I'm going to go to the west point seminar and I'm going to have a good time...
and who knows?

You guys ready to meet Alex Jr.?

Of course you're not...and if by some twist of fate Emily gets herself shot by the military's winged arrow, you all will have the chance to view him as if he were a piece of meat and then judge him on a 1-10 scale...because we're not going to end up lying on the bathroom floor in Muncie, IN anymore...