So the secret's out!

My family and I were sitting in a plastic booth at Friendlys around the screaming of children when she leans over and asks me "who's the new boy?"
How did she know about Braden? So instead of denying everything...I told her everything in this unexcited voice. "yes he's from Seattle...he's a film major...he's 22..." I was waiting for this time for the family to dig into my college life yet I didn't think it would take place at Friendlys.
I don't mind that the family knows...there isn't much to know. I haven't talked to Braden since the 23rd...I don't know how to take that. I miss him...yeah I know all my stupid blogs will just annouce "I miss Braden..." and then the next day, "I miss Braden..."
I found my old journal on the floor today and I read my Indiana entry and almost started to cry. A year ago today...right now actually I was sitting in the Starbucks in Indianapolis reading "Another Roadside Attraction" by Tom Robbins, waiting for Alex and his stupid parents to drive up in the Cadillac and Alex would come in wearing his full dress uniform and rather than hugging him, I just looked at him and said "What the hell are you wearing?"
Anyway...when I was cleaning my room, I read the journal entry from Indiana and teared up. The title of the section was called, "Let it all be a joke, please???"
"Today is the first day for the rest of your life. As I return to my bubble...I remember my middle western holiday for many things...things you can't talk about with anyone but laught to yourself. What did it all mean to me? Not much...oh no...I see...A relationship is only as good as the people in it. I awoke to the angelic face of victory...and also awoke a sleeping giant. Please forgive me because my eyes no long see militant value...what was is not...what I saw burned in flames on the relization and epiphany of free-will, a beautiful and capable goddess that, when attracted to another human is banished from society in clouds of smoke."

What does it mean? Lord only know...back then I was full of emotion and didn't know that I was slowly turning into a puddle. But it symbolizes the intensity of confusion that I was starting to feel.

There's a quote scribbled near the binding that I had completely fogotten until now...
"The best Doctor I ever had helped me through alcohol poisoning...then I did him."
Why was I so thrilled about what I had done when clearly I saw Alex's face turn into Satan's in only a few short hours because of my actions. I could pepper my life full of "what if..and if onlys" but clearly the fact that it still, after a year...burns deep inside me...
The next section is called "A Justification of Actions" but there's nothing there...
I only hope that Alex did what he said he was going to do...
punch Johnny and take a picture for me...

Fuck you AOL!

Today Kevin and Sean bravely set up my computer with wireless connections so I'll be online basically all the time now! I can't wait. I had hamburger helper tonight and it made me think of the Suite F days but since it was at home, it really wasn't the same.

Last night I had a camp reunion and Kim Wiggin pinched my butt (which I was against) but it was still good to see her. I'm thinking of setting up Matt Stern, sexually confused sweetheart with Mr. Aylen himself. I thought Matt needs a teacher and what better teacher than J. Oliver Aylen, master of homosexuality (he would like to think he was at least). We'll see how the cards play out. I'm just thinking for Jesse's sake for our Suite F orgy.

I don't know how I feel about vacation so far. I've been up to my knees in pharmacy work but making money has really been my number 1 priority. I see money as a good thing...

Well, I don't really have much to comment on...I'm just happy about this wireless connection and I want to shout it from the rooftops...
"Honey, what rhymes with blueballs?"

Merry Everything!

Here I am listening to Prokofiev's War and Peace on CD (3 CD's and libretto! I feel so cultured) on my new very fancy room CD player. Christmas was a good experience for me...the relatives stayed only a few shorts hours because of the snow and so that left time for watching "A Christmas Story" and episodes of Trading Spaces! The best gift so far was the family gift...wireless networking for the house! So now I won't have the deal with a heartless corp. like AOL ever again! YAY!
Last night Casey and I talked orgies for Suite F. I think maybe in a few months, the Suite F crew will be ready for something good, like an orgy of sorts. Maybe it isn't a good idea...but I just thought it would certainly an adventure, that's for sure.
It's only been five days and I can't stand it any longer! I miss Bard! I miss Braden more! It's been a few days since I talked to him (2 days...feels like 2 weeks). I have a nasty case of longing and desire! Well, we'll see what is in store for Emily Steele Sauter in January...
As for the Holidays here in CT...it's snowing like the dickens...you hear me, LIKE THE DICKENS (sorry...achewood reference) and we're supposed to get 4 inches or something...Bard's getting a FOOT! HOORAY FOR THE WHITE STUFF!
Well I hope everyone had a merry Christmas...I'm going to sit in my semi warm house and probably fall asleep in front of the TV watching some fucking Christmas Special!
"Merry Christmas Bedford Falls!"

Another day in CT...

Last night I went to bed at 3 AM, trying to think about what had just happened. Colin Donegan, a fixture in high school had left the house 75 minutes prior and I was trying to figure out what had just gone on. Colin and I had one of those sexually frustrating relationships in high school and I figured that nothing was going to change. He came over and gave me a big hug and we went downstairs and watched Lilo and Stitch (good movie!) and then proceeded to just sit in the dark basement and talk for about two hours. He's really matured from the jerk who lead me on in high school. I felt really glad to just sit with him and talk to him about everything. When he left around 1:45 AM, I was pretty sad. Why hadn't I seen that Colin was a decent guy? He promised we would hang out again and I said that would be great. I really did have a great time with him.
I went online to see if anyone was on and Braden was. It was great to talk to him too. I was thinking about spending money to see him in Seattle as Monica suggested but Braden (aka awesome hot boyfriend...don't ask) is really busy. So I thought about it...and I'm thinking of going to the Keys for a few days to hang out with Jesse! If I can get my schedule worked out...I'm going to go! YAY!
I have work soon for the next five hours. Ready to help the dandy rich old Republican men of my town with their viagra. How come rich old men are gettin' it on and my boyfriend is all the way in Seattle!
Tonight we're playing "Never have I ever" and I'm pretty nervous about it. I don't know why...I just am.
Oh well...I'm going to watch high schoolers drink. That's pretty entertaining.

Home in Connecticut...

My grandmother came to dinner tonight and my mother sent me to go pick her up in Greenwich in her posh assisted living home that costs 600,000 dollars a year to live there. She's a Southern Belle by nature and if you bash the South, she'll tear you a new one. It doesn't matter that she's 85, she would still tear you a new one. Being home isn't so bad I guess. My drive home was eventful to say the least. There was a LARGE accident on the Taconic and they were closing it down obviously because someone had died. So I was sent into this large line of cars and unknowing of where I was going, travelled a nice detour through fishkill and into some other small towns. New York is a nice place.
I miss Bard so much. I miss Braden even though our relationship consists mainly of serious convesations of how crazy we are. Usually the normal Bard relationship means slipping between the sheets. Braden and I sit and look at each other and shake. Not normal, but reassuring that we'll grow together.
My grandma gave me 150 bucks for Christmas...so I'm going to buy Pink Floyd CDs...all of them...well the early ones that is. And learn all the words. I almost know all the words to the Wall and I know all the words to Dark Side...
I love Pink Floyd...because everything runs into everything else, like one giant song. And everything has hidden meanings. The Wall especially...sometimes I find myself crying when they sing "Nobody Home" and you hear the busy signal over and over again...it's just powerful.
Well off to spend. Work tomorrow...nervous as ever for it. But I'm sure i'll get into the Grieb's groove as soon as I get there.
Miss you bard kids!

No more classes! YAY!

Yesterday Braden surprised me by handing me a picture of himself saying, "Remember, you're awesome." It was in response to my Christmas present to him of a picture of me looking cross saying, "Remember you're 22." I put it in the back of my journal so I can stare at it during intersession like a fool. Yesterday all the Suite F folk saw "The Two Towers" all dressed in their garb (I loved the fact they went in costume to the movies...it was cute...very cute...almost absurdly cute) and apparently as Kelly said it was "All kinds of awesomeness." I haven't seen the first one yet so I didn't think I should go see the 2nd one and then see the first one, that wouldn't work. It's like right now I'm reading The Sportswriter by Richard Ford. I read Independece Day, the Pulitzer winning sequel first and now am finding myself wishing I had read Sportswriter first, but Independence Day was just an amazing book, I think I read it in about 4 days I believe. So now I am telling myself, do things in order...do not skip steps.
Tomorrow I go home, back to Connecticut where I shall remain for the next six weeks. I will still be typing away in my blog...weeping for some Bardians to talk to me and tell me that soon we can all go back to Bard and I won't have to work at the Pharmacy anymore.
For all of you who care...I'm mostly better from my bout of a nasty sinus infection (lousy shitty dorm). It helped that I drugged myself full of the NyQuil and slept for 12 hours straight. My government professor was upset at me because I wasn't doing research for my partial birth abortion paper, but no bother. I have till Xmas Eve to finish that beauty.
Well all of you kids...Emily is leaving the Bardland tomorrow at noon...
it's been a good semester...
Next time you'll hear from me, I'll be watching the History Channel with a tub of ice cream and my cat Spoo sitting by my side...

So editing my paper last night has made me sick...
I don't understand why I keep getting ill here...maybe because the dorm is a sack of shit, I don't know. But nonetheless, I feel utterly worthless. I kept having dreams of editing and I sat up and bed right quick and screamed, "No!" and Porter wakes up and looks at me and says, "Are you okay?" My dreams from when I'm sick are the worst. They always seem to make me feel like I'm dying. I remember being sick on Christmas once and my dreams were all about having a nice Christmas dinner, with close ups on the turkey and mashed potatoes and everything looked so green and beautiful. I woke up crying for whoever it was to stop torturing me. Last night was no exception...I was tortured and all I could see was stacks of papers that needed to be edited.

Today is a long day and I'm sick. If you read this, come visit me and comfort me while I waste away in Tremblay 102...I should be here from 3 o'clock onward.
Glad everyone is healthy....except me.

It's snowing out today and I lay in bed and watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" and fretted about my sexual well being.

Last night I made a call to John Francis O'Leary, my ex boyfriend who would like to bathe in money and womanize while drinking Grand Marnier (because it doesn't burn like cognaq does) and driving by himself on the Saw Mill Parkway remembering when he was a freshman, me and him had a fight while I drove him back from seeing Tom Stoppard's "Arcadia" with Anthony and my soon to be boyfriend Joshua Brinn (who was deathly afraid of being cheated on...and he was a year older than me but he acted like he was a 30 year old man...just the way John does now...John is taking me to Paris one of these days and then he becomes the womanizer he dreams about...Lord only knows where I will be when this happens, probably poor and pulling out my hair) But I told John the whole Braden (John calls him "The 12 year old with the strange name) and I told John how it struck me as odd the way Braden is just like when John was quote "A little kid" when we started to bring on the good old blue couch days. It was really four years ago, and he was fourteen and I was seventeen. But John practically demanded that this 12 year old with the strange name seemed like a guy who needed the "Sauter Experience" pretty badly. But there's something about John that's very enticing. Maybe it's because he's so hard to read. He carries himself with this sexual air that makes me because I'm a woman, melt with glee. But of course, I always get the feeling that John does not really care about me that much. Maybe I should throw away this notion, but it seems that if he emailed me and that he blames himself for our relationship failure (well it's my fault too, seeing that I am now at college and it's hard for him to just go to Annandale) But I dont know, we're going to see each other this Friday night. His parents are going to the office Christmas party...so I am worried that maybe I'm making the wrong choice.
But I realized something after watching "Bridget Jones' Diary" John is like Hugh Grant...all studly and cute and sexually smart and everything he does is just so right...but he needs that from every girl. Braden is like Colin Firth (well...not really but kind of) with the wrong things to say at the wrong time...and the awkwardness but still...there's something so good about him that you feel relieved that he's there with you.
So...what will it be Emily? Sex in John's bed with the Ansel Adams pictures on the wall and all the perverted talk? Or a man who is desperate need of some form of revelation and awakening but you're too scared to give it to him because you're afraid you're going to turn him into someone that you don't need right now.
As Garrison Holmes says in Operation Tactful Evolution:
"I'm as confused as you are"

It took us two hours to finish what we started...

We lay in bed, my head sitting my lap...and I was shaking...I hadn't shaken like that Blake in the field in April.
We wanted to go for it...we just wanted to throw caution to the wind, to ravage ourselves with the pent up passion from months and years of sexual inactivity. But there was prison glass between us, invisible force fields that were holding us apart.
So I did what i usually do in cases like this...talk about past sexual conquests. I told him about Ned Breen and his "irrational hypothesis" to Johnny Garrison's gold pick up and leather jacket. I told him about hooking up with John on the infamous "blue couch" (I regard the blue couch days as one of the best memories of high school...too bad we've graduated to the "big bed") and while we were watching Cops and John is on top of me, all I can hear ringing through my head was the cop yelling, "Freeze! Put your hands in the air!" And there he was, staring at me with his icy blue eyes, hanging on my every word.
After two hours of just talking...I got up to leave and put on my shoes. We just looked at each other, the awkardness is pretty painful for us...all of a sudden he shrugged and kissed me. And it wasn't a bad kiss either...it was one of those ones that makes you smile. But we've decided that I have to sort things out at home before I become Braden's girlfriend and plus, he'll be in Seattle working on animation while I'm in CT working at the pharmacy, and with five days left...I dont think there's much we can do to jump start a relationship...

But you heard it here first boys and girls: Braden Daniel Lamb and Emily Steele Sauter...we took the plunge into the real world.
Looks like I won the bet Porter Hovey...so let's go to the French restaurant...

Ethan told me to be more "cinematic..."

So I guess everyone out there in the world wants to know what happened last night with Braden. Well, I'll tell you...but the story is pretty meladramatic, so brace youselves for it okay?

So I got pretty drunk and so did Braden...because everyone was banking on the alcohol to get us "together"
We were sitting on his bed and I started ranting about how i had put him in my cartoon and how he can't "explain his feelings" and whatnot. And he just looked at me and told me, "About that...I don't want to sound like a jerk and I like you and all...BUT" yeah, that awful BUT was in there...so I told him I understood (which I didn't) and I just looked into his childlike eyes and told him it was okay, but I also warned that maybe he should think about growing up. The minute I closed the door, my eyes filled up with tears. I went into the other suite to grab my coat. Everyone was waiting for me, "So how did it go?"
"Oh about that...well I got rejected so I think this party has ended for me." I grabbed my coat, still roaring drunk...and ran out the door into the pouring rain with no umbrella. I muttered all the way back to Tremblay like an old man, the blisters on my feet were starting to form and I could feel the blood seep into my shoes...they still hurt so much as I write this. I got back to Tremblay and Porter held me while I cried soaked with rainwater. I hated this...why did he have to string me along? Why did everything have to happen this way? I deserved more dignity than this, subjected to waiting all this ime for a 22 year old to grow up. I called Jesse in tears and in anger and he had told me Kelly had just sternly talked to everyone about how they shouldn't make fun of Braden.
I decided that maybe I should go back in the rain to explain myself to people. So out I went into the rain again, my shoes still filling with blood, tears streaming down my face...my mind an utter blur of what had happened today.
Previously this day I received an email from my ex boyfriend and old best friend John O'Leary. It had been since August since we ummm..."enjoyed his parent's bed to the fullest" and tben he hadn't talked to me afterward, making me feel used and upset (when I ever not feeling used??) But the email kindly stated that he didn't mean what he did, that he was a jerk...and that our relationship...maybe need another go at it because he still cares about me. Oh no...this can't be happening to me...John picked the wrong night to talk me into a relationship again...but something about him was enticing and I dont know why...
But as I thought about everything that had happened, I ended up at the doors of Suite F with my mind buzzing. I told everyone about our situation, that people shouldn't be mad and all...everyone gave me a hug...that's when I decided that maybe Braden should know the truth. So while he was in the bathroom, I sat on his bed in the dark...waiting for him to come out and when he did...it wasn't like he was surprised to see me.
I wish I could remember the whole conversation but I cant. But all i remember is him shaking in the doorway while I told him it was wrong to string me along...and that if he didn't want a relationship, he should have told me eariler so I didn't have to waste my time with someone who doesn't know anything about a relationship and doesn't want to learn. There he was, just standing in the doorway...shaking like a leaf in the doorway. And I just looked at him with all my anger and walked over to him and hugged him. We stayed in each other's arms...not able to speak, not able to say anything...we were just crying because it was so messed up and complicated. He couldn't get any words out, everything was choked up in his throat...finally he said, "I want to give it a shot."
"you're only saying that because I just yelled at you for being a jerk...you're just saying that. Look at you! You look awful...I can see you're not ready for this..."
And he just stayed in my arms trembling like a dog telling me he wanted to "give it a shot..." and I kept telling me that you're only saying that because you're afraid...you dont know what you want.
So I ran my fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek..."You need to think about what's best for you...not me...I've been down this road before...but you haven't, so it's important you know what you're getting into." We just looked at each other again and he told me to come back tomorrow (well i guess that's today)...and we would figure out what was best for both of us.
I went back into the party just as Braden's little sister got back from NYC and I told her what had happened. She took my hand and told me "Never has anyone persued my brother so well than you have...he's exactly what you need..." Even Jami was rooting for me...
The night ended when I became sober enough to drive and gave my friend Kate a ride back to the new toasters. We sat in the car and she told me what I should do...she's really awesome, and I'm glad she's turned into one of my good friends...

I went to sleep last night with the idea that I could have the mirror that the beast had in "Beauty and the Beast..." So i could see everyone. I told me to show it Braden and it showed a small child crying on his bed...looking like he had punished

Soon enough....the party will comence...

I am so excited I sound like a Jersey Girl

But nonetheless, excited to drink and "make merry" if you know what I mean

We got five inches of thick snow and now everything is all muddy and gross.

TOMORROW
I am gearing myself up for tomorrow's night party...I can't stop thinking about how drunk we're going to get and how much fun we're going to have. The alcohol is bought, the room is going to be cleaned, cups will be washed, everything is going to be put on ice and we're going to have a blast.
I can't stop thinking of the good times we're going to have.
Drinking=Braden
I hate planning this sort of date rape, but I'm not slipping anything into his drink...I'm just going to encourage him to drink...a lot!
Nothing wrong with drinking and taking advantage of the situation right?
But then that makes me Johnny Garrison..

Speaking of Johnny Garrison...I found out Alex is bringing his girlfriend to Indiana! Didn't he learn his lesson the first time? I mean, I still remember sitting in the church in Logansport...having lunch at the Holiday Inn, watching soft core porn and eating pizza with the cousins, watching Caddyshack at Uncle Eric's house...and now, he's bringing girl #2 to Indiana and he's not nervous? I'm nervous for her! Well, if she survives Muncie and Logansport with Alex wearing that orange shirt from his grandfather's closet, I will personally go and shake her hand. Just because I survived, it doesn't mean I dont have scars. Don't get me wrong, Alex's family was really nice and I miss them sometimes on lonely nights but they looked at me like I was a democrat from New England. Somehow that really bothered me that regionalism came into it. Plus all the Johnny Garrison stuff...oh and dont forget the Delta High Parking lot...Why Alex laughs about that night really scares me. I seriously thought I would have to use that "I fell down the stairs" excuse to explain why I got the shit kicked out of me.

Off to go watch "Die Another Day"
Best Bond Innuendo: "I thought Christmas came only once a year"

It's really snowing outside...
and here I am, typing on not my computer...

I was in a great mood today...we bought alcohol and baking supplies...and then the ice started to fall and my mind started to leave me.
I don't know what it is: maybe my stressful day or Braden's sexual stupidity or the fact that maybe my computer will eat all my word files and i'll never see "Operation Tactful Evolution" again...

who knows...I just need to go to bed and dream away my night and pretend nothing bad ever happened to my computer and its smiling happily at me.
I knew this would happen someday...my computer's been itching to fuck me over since it came in that large box

So my computer is officially busted (notice that I'm not on my computer...my computer is out of work now until it can be "updated")
Now I have to mooch other computers to get work done


Man does my life ever suck

On a higher note: I got into Playwriting! I'm also taking Acting, Satire with Senor Dullface (Dewsnap honk honk), Alexander the Great history class, and American Studies class

Learning will be ever so sweet next year

Okay...

As I sit on Porter's bed using her laptop (my computer decided to rebel against me but don't worry...He'll get what's for soon) and listening to Eminem, I guess today was a pretty good day.
I didn't think it was going to be a good day though when I saw Alex come out of the elevator at West Point today. But you know what? We seem to hate each other, but it really isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Though I hate Alex for a lot of things, that's the past. Alex will always be somewhat of a crazy decision. Today I found out his great grandmother past away and I was so sad about it. I met his great grandmother when I was in Indiana and she was an amazing lady. She was 94 though and lived a full life. She was telling me stories in the sunroom about Florida back in 20's and I remember telling me when we left in the Raggio's Catera that she told me i was a lovely lady. She was probably the only person in Indiana who truly liked me and now she's dead.
Going back to West Point was fine for me. My westpointophobia is pretty much gone. All that shit is in the past now. And Alex even says that Braden is a good guy and he's happy for me. He did tell me I was crazy though...I told him the only crazy thing I did was date him.

So there you have it...Alex might love guns and the memories of him in the Delta High parking lot still haunt my dreams...something good might come out of all of this
Focusing on the past is bullshit too...i mean, it's never going to happen to you again...so why care?

On a another unrelated topic...there is a birthday party in the hallway and I need to go to the bathroom but there are too many people outside...
This stinks

So here I am in the suite!
Ross is telling me that I need to jump Braden...


just wait until Friday...
God I hope he doesn't read this

So I'm blasting Britney Spears really loud right now...but I don't care. I have been really productive today, getting my government text done AND typing four pages of my Kennedy paper. I really have to get a lot of work done because I'm going to West Point tomorrow to fence. And I'm not afraid! Take that Army!

Braden and I are watching "Empire Strikes Back" tonight after dorchestra...because its his favorite Star Wars
Now all of you, my loyal readers...must be asking...what the fuck Emily? First you're "head over feet" and then you're pissed and now you're watching (gasp) EMPIRE with him? I mean, what the hell is going on here!!!!

Answer to that question: go watch Never been Kissed and you'll understand...

Just a thought:

I've been listening to a lot more pop music...
there's a Britney Spears song I actually like now...

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO EMILY SAUTER!

Let's talk about Sex

With Jesse magically turning himself into Freud this evening, we ended up with a strange conversation in our laps. "Why do we have sex?" was the potent question at hand. It's been a while since I have slept with someone (almost a year if you count the unpleasantness) so I couldn't really answer the question, but as I watched Captain Von Trapp kiss the young nun Maria and my eyes filled with tears, I wanted to be able to answer that question for myself.
But I can't now.
Today was a sexual day for the world. Kevin asked me out today. This didn't really come as a shock, but somehow...it did. I love Kevin because he is me. We can watch musicals, sing the same songs, be the same...but distance is an issue. Plus I am head over feet for Braden Lamb who Kevin calls 'Batman'. Let me say it again, I am "head over feet" sorry I was listening to that song right now...There is no one as pure, loyal and beautiful as he can be. But as for Kevin, sweetheart...don't despair...I still care deeply about you.
I found out my best friend lost his virginity this weekend...and he told me it felt right. So congrats Sean, we've officially switched places.
As for Braden, it'll be a long time before I'll be answering Jesse's sexual ponderings...but when it does happen, I'll be able to say that sex is an understanding of where you stand and how much you care...hopefully with Braden, i'll get to understand the genius of why he is the way he is.
Because to me, he is fascinating
Welcome back to the drama of "Two Nerds in Love"

Last night I worked on my new painting:

It doesn't have a name but I truly enjoy it. When I get my digital camera working again...I'll take a picture of it.
The thing I hate about my life is that when I'm knee deep into a relationship...the men come out of the woodwork and tell me they are attracted to me. Of course I wouldn't call Braden a "relationship..." more a "confusing ball of riddles"
Don't worry...I get back at him for his childish behavior in the Observer!
At least he's going away this weekend...leaving me a clean suite watching Sound of Music in without worry!

I dont really know what to say now...all I know is that for a girl...I really don't hide anything at all.

Extra Extra! Read all about it! Emily and her "secret crush" have talk to discuss being "more than friends" on the playground!

"Two Nerds in Love" doesn't exist anymore...
let's just get one thing straight here...Indiana messed me up. I hate Johnny and Alex for what they did to me and how they took my courage and my ideals and my hope that the world was decent and flushed it down the toilet along with my soco ranked vomit.
I've wanted to get over my problem and with the use of therapy, I seem to be getting better to understanding why I am the way I am after New Years 2002. And through my false love of Pete Schiller, the 50 year old man stuck in a 15 year old's body...I thought I was cured. But it occurs to me now, and yes some people have told me this...I go for the safe ones. Ones I know who could never mistreat a woman.
so go to college looking for the safe one and who do you get? That's right: Braden Lamb.
I adore Braden for his dry wit...his love of Clerks animated...but just by looking at his room, his side parted hair (a friend of mine told me any guy who parts his hair on the side has problems) and his love for cartoons. But Braden, like Kevin says, is stuck in a pre pubescent world of dinosaurs and leggos. He is, unforunately like me in that he hides behind a journal full of cartoon worlds. His character is Stephanie the duck...mine is Annie Viller...hiding in your journal can be caustic to your life. Lord knows I resent Annie for what she did to me. She stole my social fabric.
Braden and I are two boats drifting apart...a fine metaphor...or any metaphor will do at least. We're two socially awkward kids in a world where what we watch on TV is the norm. I am 19 years old...I should be having sex with many people I dont know. I tried that...and look where that got me. So society is full of shit.
Braden just turned 22 years old...by America's standards he should be getting a job...going out with the boys and getting a beer...hitting on younger women, watching sports. Braden is a social drinker yes, I applaud him that he knows how to drink like a man. But sadly i must confirm that that's all that makes him a man. Other than that he's but a small child in a world that frightens him
So what happens now? Patience fellow viewers...
For I'm sure this is only the beginning of a socially awkward journey into romance

I pay 38,000 dollars a year...to get sick

Yeah, that's right...a pipe burst in Olin Hall leaving all the classrooms freezing. The temp. outside was 15 degrees and indoors, it was about the same. Ever take notes with mittens on? That's right...you dont need to because you go to a responsible college or what not...

Braden put a hat and goggles on me and told me I was hot...for the first time ever he has advanced some hint that he's sexually attracted to me. Finally!
I even watched Batman tonight, sitting in his clean room with dinosaurs sitting on the dressers and thought provoking posters on the walls. And his bed, is always made with a nice green bedspread...he's a 22 year old guy, his room should be a mess!
But I digress...
With nothing to digress about other than I'm sick from learning (literally) and sick of waiting for the child to crawl out of diapers and into a man (Figuratively)
I'm just sick...sick...sick...sick...

Back at Bard- but with all sorts of things going on!

I locked my keys in the car (but i didn't really) and the sheriff of Red Hook took the time to open my car for me and then i found them sitting on my bed. So I win the jerkass award this week.
Since I left my cello here over the weekend, there is a large crack in the middle of it...which is going to be expensive and not very fun to fix
I have too many hard papers to write and not enough time to write them

That's all the bad stuff: but on the other hand "Two Nerds in Love" has been going pretty well...
I mean, when the soda machine wouldn't give me a coke he told me he'd kick its ass...which was sweet
and he did tell me he'd write my observer article for me...that was nice too

It seems that it'll happen soon, just whenever we grow up to do anything about it is uncertain

My dream was a classic Emily's messed up nightmare kind of thingy.

First of all, it was set at West Point. I mean, that's just perfect, right? It was me and a bunch of little kids and we were flying out of West Point for somewhere, I don't really remember. And one of the kids was a quiet little boy who had some issues. The other girls were watching him. We all boarded the plane and West Point Jason was there.
"I have a funny feeling about this ride" he told me. The plane took off but lost all altitude and slammed into a large pine tree and then into the Hudson below. The door opened and Jason and I swam to the surface, I was barely alive when we reached the top. Everyone in the plane had petrified into little glass animals. Then we heard a cackle. A small officer's child, the kid with issues, was standing in full dress uniform on the bluffs with mechanical gear screaming, "It comes down to this! I will kill you one day Emily...and all your dreams will now be nightmares."
Jason and I dried off and were mourning the loss of the dead at the West Point club when everything turned black and white and the kids face turned to me from outside with his father playing on the lawn.
"Am I crazy?" I asked Jason and he told me I was and to watch out for myself.

What is wrong with me!