Being a Republican Woman in a Republican Town...

Spring break's not as glamorous or as dirty as it is on "Bling Bling Break" MTV...but I'm getting by. I've been doing a lot of Republican chores in this Republican town with yellow ribbons over its eyes.
On Saturday I saw Alex, and even baked him cookies...as I preheated the oven, I felt as though it were not 2003, but 1943...baking cookies for servicemen who were going to fight the big evil power abroad...alas, I still baked them. And they were damn good.
Today's baking assignment: Cake
I went to the grocery store today too...and I'm making dinner tonight. What's happening to me? I've also been taking baths, doing pilates...wearing make-up, thinking about taking a dance class next semester, looking my age...This isn't Emily. Where did Emily go? The Republican incubus took her soul in the night, and now...she's trapped in a vortex world of supporting her troops, wearing skirts, and being afraid of change.
Spring break is all about change...it's all about trying to regroup from the chaos of school. If only school didn't follow me home. This week I have a 5 page paper to write. How sad.
Though don't get me wrong, I've had a really good time. I've been hanging out with Kevin, Konstantin, Chris and Tom (that conversation under this is the result of our hanging out...it takes a long time but I highly suggest you read it, shows you what America's youth is up to...and it ain't pretty) and I'm probably going to see them tonight. They're a fun group (wow, sound like my mom there)..
Well, I'm going to go watch Hannah and her sisters...I've already done enough work for today.

And now, a poetic benediction, for two people who need to be shot:

WANKERJ: so ...how about this crazy war were having....
WANKERJ: sorry, thats not a good conversation opener
Thunderslut: lol... it depends on what kind of conversation you're looking for
WANKERJ: one that doesnt contain a Bush
Thunderslut: then yeah, thats probably an opening line you'll want to avoid
Thunderslut: ;-)
WANKERJ: so how is life? (also dull conv opener)
Thunderslut: at the moment, it's in a state of improvement... so i'd say good
Thunderslut: how bout you?
WANKERJ: FANTASTIC>>>>>>>IM ON PROZAC!!!!!!!!
WANKERJ: bad color
WANKERJ: not really..........everything is fine
WANKERJ: spring break is coming to a close
WANKERJ: love is in the air
WANKERJ: as well as missles
WANKERJ: so its all good
Thunderslut: on the optimistic side, at least the missles aren't coming down over here
WANKERJ: nah......that isnt very optimistic
WANKERJ: bombs are bombs......people are people
WANKERJ: sorry for being preachy
Thunderslut: it's ok, i totally agree on that one... i take shit from my friends all the time for being all anti-war
WANKERJ: well friends are made to challenge us i guess
WANKERJ: but if they piss you off, just dont attack them and people that look like them
WANKERJ: and everything will be swell
Thunderslut: seems fair enough... and logical too ^_^
WANKERJ: cute smile
Thunderslut: hehe why thank you
WANKERJ: the typed smile is cute also
WANKERJ: ;-)
Thunderslut: you're a charmer aren't you?
WANKERJ: just look at me...........im adorable
WANKERJ: he he he
Thunderslut: what are the odds of two such adorable and modest people as us randomly finding each other on a website?
Thunderslut: it must be fate
Thunderslut: :-P
WANKERJ: that smiley face ruined a perfect soap opera moment
WANKERJ: you actually are modest...........my profile scares people
Thunderslut: why should it scare people
WANKERJ: I DONT KNOW.......THE SEX KEYWORD IS ALWAYS A SIGNAL..........AND THE WHOLE ARTIST / MUSICIAN THING PROBLEM IS MENTALLY TRANSLATED INTO : BUM
WANKERJ: OH WELL
Thunderslut: well point me to anyone who says an artist is a bum and i'll beat them with a paintbrush
WANKERJ: wow........i think im in love
Thunderslut: hehe
Thunderslut: of course you are ;-)
Thunderslut: i'm quite lovable
WANKERJ: i sure you are
WANKERJ: and you can actually converse!!!
WANKERJ: im just waiting to find out you are a 45 year old man!
Thunderslut: god i hope not... if i am, i really need to sit down and have a good long talk with my mom to see what else shes been hiding all these years
WANKERJ: and funny to boot
Thunderslut: i try :-D
Thunderslut: so tell me about yourself
WANKERJ: um
Thunderslut: what're dreams, goals, kinky sex secrets?
WANKERJ: 22 yrs old
WANKERJ: gorgeous, well hung, sensitive artsy musician
WANKERJ: he he
WANKERJ: records music and
WANKERJ: makes experimental videos
WANKERJ: umm. a little bit of an exhibitionist
WANKERJ: ummmm....
WANKERJ: i like tofu
WANKERJ: not a vegetarian though
WANKERJ: im scaring you arent I
WANKERJ: muah ha ha ha ha!
Thunderslut: experimental videos and exhibitionism? i think you need to explain that part... i'm not scared... intrigued
WANKERJ: well
WANKERJ: i made a piece where i was auditioning for a gay porno
WANKERJ: and i had 20 layers of clothing on
WANKERJ: and i was peeling off layer by layer.....while going into an autobiographical rant
WANKERJ: directed toward a silent character offscreen
WANKERJ: by the time i was naked....i acted as if the off screen character lost interest in me
WANKERJ: the camera gets shut off and the screen says:
WANKERJ: audition tip #1
WANKERJ: talking can be a big turnoff
Thunderslut: hmmm
WANKERJ: then i showed it to the school
WANKERJ: hmmmmmmmm...is right
Thunderslut: how'd it go over?
WANKERJ: i got 3 girls phone #'s
WANKERJ: and 4 guys #'s
WANKERJ: just kidding
WANKERJ: my teacher said it was brilliant
WANKERJ: oh....and by the way.......I'm not gay....obviously
Thunderslut: quite the ego-boost
Thunderslut: lol
Thunderslut: i didn't think you were
WANKERJ: but pretending can be BIG FUN!
WANKERJ: man....im suprised i havent scared you away yet
Thunderslut: i don't scare easy
WANKERJ: we'll see about that
Thunderslut: you planning on trying to scare me away?
WANKERJ: no ....not at all
Thunderslut: ok good
WANKERJ: so
WANKERJ: what about your kinky secrets?
WANKERJ: hmmmmmmmmmmm
WANKERJ: you better be typing something as good as Penthouse Letters
WANKERJ: or i will be thoroughly disappointed
Thunderslut: hmm well, i'm 20, up for just about anything, been in a couple borderline ogiastic situations, am not averse to cameras, 3/4 of the guys i've been with say i'm the best they've ever had and the rest is between me and my hand cuffs
WANKERJ: i feel foolish......what is an ogiastic situation?
WANKERJ: teach me
WANKERJ: you didnt have to be so detailed......but go on if you wish...he he he
Thunderslut: hehe... well i didn't want to disappoint you
WANKERJ: damn......im suprised
Thunderslut: why?
WANKERJ: from the pick i thought you were little miss innocent
WANKERJ: so cute......yet so deadly
WANKERJ: anyway.............ogiastic?
WANKERJ: teach me
Thunderslut: orgiastic...several people, dim lights, locked doors, and very little clothing... ok next to none, and very sexual behavior... your basic nude party
WANKERJ: oh....okay.......
WANKERJ: damn.......
WANKERJ: i want some pics
Thunderslut: alas and alack, there are none
WANKERJ: youll just have to re enact it for me
Thunderslut: hmmm i'd consider it
WANKERJ: so...3/4ths of the guys huh....first of all .....how many guys do you have to be with to start finding lowest common denominators........and what did the other 4th say.....
Thunderslut: hey, how'd you know that doesn't mean i've been with 4 guys and 3 say i'm the best.... although it doesn't
WANKERJ: im kidding......i dont judge on numbers
Thunderslut: fine by me
WANKERJ: anyway..... i need an experienced girl
WANKERJ: ;-)
Thunderslut: and why's that? need someone to keep up with you?
WANKERJ: im tryin to date right now....and all the girls that hit on me are either underage or nearly virgins...or really conservative........or all 3
WANKERJ: yeah....my last gf said she hopes i find someone who loves sex as much as me
WANKERJ: then i tried to dry hump her leg
WANKERJ: :-D
Thunderslut: hehe...you're funny
Thunderslut: and a little twisted
Thunderslut: i like that
WANKERJ: why thank you
WANKERJ: oh really?
WANKERJ: yeah.....i hate making jokes that go over girls heads.....
WANKERJ: but im not going to pander to them
WANKERJ: oh well
Thunderslut: never dumb down... there are plenty of stupid people in the world...we don't need more
WANKERJ: guess ill just have to wait for a sexy and smart girl who doesnt mind handcuffs and enjoys orgiastic situations
WANKERJ: but where will i find one?
Thunderslut: well... my mama said never to give my address to strangers
Thunderslut: but you're not strange...lol maybe a little
WANKERJ: i could follow that up with ssooooooooo much
WANKERJ: oh.......yes i have a good serving of freak in me
WANKERJ: but im as gentle as a mouse
Thunderslut: me too... i only bite on request
WANKERJ: mmmmmmmmm
WANKERJ: im really hoping you arent a fat guy
Thunderslut: i'm really not.... you're not a big toothless woman named susie-may are you?
WANKERJ: actually, i spell it susie-mae
WANKERJ: seriously though
WANKERJ: thats really me, if you can believe it....
WANKERJ: i know i know
WANKERJ: so gorgeous
WANKERJ: yet so intelligent
WANKERJ: and modest
Thunderslut: exactly what i was thinking
WANKERJ: so are you dating right now?
WANKERJ: married and lonely?
WANKERJ: recently divorced?
WANKERJ: looking for sex slave?
Thunderslut: i'm not dating anyone, i've never been married, and i'm always in the market for a sex slave
WANKERJ: damn.....im your man
WANKERJ: your place or mine?
WANKERJ: ;-)
WANKERJ: its hard being this smooth
WANKERJ: but i pull it off admirably
Thunderslut: how do you deal with the pressure?
WANKERJ: we should go on a harmless date though...
WANKERJ: lots of masturbation
WANKERJ: and booze
WANKERJ: kills the pain
WANKERJ: anyway about that date i was mentioning LOL
Thunderslut: as long as there's only the good kind of pain
Thunderslut: the kind that comes with a safety word
WANKERJ: hmmmmm.....im seriously worried now.....youre too good to be true
WANKERJ: and that pic is starting to look sketchy to me
Thunderslut: sketchy? i'm not sketchy
WANKERJ: beautiful but sketchy
Thunderslut: how am i sketchy?
WANKERJ: actually...incredibly beautiful
WANKERJ: im being neurotic
WANKERJ: not sketchy.....i just dont want to be played with
WANKERJ: well...um...i mean......well you know what i mean
Thunderslut: good... i'm not into games... not the emotional kind anyway
WANKERJ: yeah.......ive been in 2 loooooooooong term relationships.....and ive never been single until now
WANKERJ: so im looking for a light, honest, relationship based on good conversation and ridiculous sex
WANKERJ: and good food
WANKERJ: i know thats alot to ask
Thunderslut: a man after my own heart
WANKERJ: hmmmmm....what are you looking for?
WANKERJ: honestly
Thunderslut: some fun...nothing too serious and whatever happens, happens
WANKERJ: of course
WANKERJ: well, i can be alot of fun!
WANKERJ: i dont wanna rush things
WANKERJ: but the bombs could start droppin any minute!
Thunderslut: well you do seem like a lot of fun
WANKERJ: so much fun.....unbelievable carnivalesque fun
Thunderslut: well then what do you want to do?
WANKERJ: well......hmm....meeting in some neutral public place works
WANKERJ: a restaurant
WANKERJ: if you realize im an ugly fool.....you can just run away
WANKERJ: if we hit it off..........we could always retire to the women's room
WANKERJ: whatever happens........happens
Thunderslut: well part of the problem is that i only have a car for one more night while i'm still home and i have plans for tomorrow
Thunderslut: on sunday i'm back up at school
WANKERJ: oh....no rush
Thunderslut: but no car
WANKERJ: your on Uconns campus
Thunderslut: yep
WANKERJ: oh thats nothing....thats a 20 min drive for me from my apartment
WANKERJ: which i live in ..........alone and lonely;-)
WANKERJ: hehe
Thunderslut: awww... how do you cope?
WANKERJ: now im just being silly
WANKERJ: masturbation and booze....you forgot so quickly
Thunderslut: oh sorry...my mistake
WANKERJ: but whenever you have time......i would love to get together
Thunderslut: so would i
WANKERJ: so...then.....when do you have free time?
WANKERJ: Sunday night?
WANKERJ: hmmmmmmmmmmm?
Thunderslut: hey i have a week's worth of assignments i haven't done yet...lol
Thunderslut: i work most weeknights
Thunderslut: and saturdays
WANKERJ: yeah....i work weekends
WANKERJ: and weeknights
WANKERJ: youre poor too huh?
Thunderslut: yeah... side effect of going to college
WANKERJ: yeah......im payin for EVERYTHING myself
Thunderslut: ouch
WANKERJ: ouch indeed
WANKERJ: not the good kind of pain
Thunderslut: not at all... i get by with my parents goodwill, scholarships and loans
WANKERJ: anyway......enough about money.....more about you and how beautiful and sexy and unbelievably available you are
WANKERJ: i am pretty charming huh?
Thunderslut: you are incredibly charming... i'll add that to the list of accolades when i write in my diary tonight... well i'm most available on monday and friday nights... and sundays provided i'm not ignoring my classes
WANKERJ: so this upcoming sunday or monday?
Thunderslut: monday'd be good
WANKERJ: what time ?
WANKERJ: 6, 7, 8?
Thunderslut: whatever's good for you... and what shall we be doing monday night?
WANKERJ: some useless activity that will be an excuse for me to talk and flirt with you heavily
Thunderslut: sounds good to me
WANKERJ: we could ingest food
WANKERJ: is there a place across from the campus?
WANKERJ: simple little restaurant
WANKERJ: cheap.....cramped
WANKERJ: with a spacious womens room handicapped stall
WANKERJ: sorry.......that was too far.
Thunderslut: the closest restaurant to campus is friendly's and i've never been in their womens room
WANKERJ: well theres a first time for everything!
WANKERJ: friendlys would be perfect!
WANKERJ: ive heard it has a friendly atmosphere
Thunderslut: ^_^ it does indeed
WANKERJ: very cool.......um........so i this is the part where i awkwardly ask for your phone #
Thunderslut: yeah... and then i awkwardly debate about whether i shuld give yuo my dorm # or my cell
WANKERJ: and i am once again impressed by your wit
Thunderslut: thank you
WANKERJ: well, take your time....i really dont want to rush you
Thunderslut: 203-LUV-DICK cell; 860-EAT-MEUP dorm
Thunderslut: use whichever
WANKERJ: ok
WANKERJ: are your roomates cute too
WANKERJ: ;-)
WANKERJ: kidding....im not that much of a pig
Thunderslut: aww she is cute though
Thunderslut: lol but she has a bf
WANKERJ: oh well
WANKERJ: you sound like too much to handle anyway
WANKERJ: ummmmm that didnt come out right
WANKERJ: you sound like a handfull...............no that isnt good either
Thunderslut: i'll keep you on your toes
WANKERJ: ill curl yours
WANKERJ: hehe
Thunderslut: ooo... i'll hold you to that
WANKERJ: im sure you will
WANKERJ: actually.....im a virgin
Thunderslut: really? or are you just trying to see what i'll say?
WANKERJ: damn....youre good
WANKERJ: seriously girl.......how could someone who looks like ME be a virgin
WANKERJ: man.....i sound so cocky tonight
Thunderslut: it's hot though
WANKERJ: oh yeah?
Thunderslut: yeah
WANKERJ: good.....
WANKERJ: well, im sure youre tired.....and i dont want to keep you up....he he he
Thunderslut: yeah... you should be resting up for monday night
WANKERJ: jesus.... im glad i clicked yes
Thunderslut: so am i
WANKERJ: ok beautiful ... ill call you monday after 5pm
Thunderslut: sounds like an excellent idea
WANKERJ: yes
WANKERJ: have a great night Liz
Thunderslut: goodnight jeremy
WANKERJ: sweet dreams
Thunderslut: kinky dreams ;-)
WANKERJ: thanks to you
Thunderslut: hehe... night night
WANKERJ: night night

And that's all I have to say about that.

He offered love, and she, with the easy heartlessness of one who is so well accustomed to this sort of thing, offered him sugar

Today I made a business deal. In exchange for a pair of very hip and very used 100 dollar diesel jeans, I bought Porter a sandwich, fries and a drink at Blondies for a total of eight dollars. These jeans somehow make me look "cool" if that's possible for Emily. I really enjoy them though, because I never would in my right mind, pay 100 bucks for a pair of jeans. And now, for a sandwich, I now own my own pair of the coolest jeans that ever lived.
Moderation is going pretty sucky. I moderate April 23rd at 930 AM. My moderation papers are bullshit about how I am a good student and how much I love Bard. I sound like a suck up, but who doesn't when they're actually trying to suck up?
Today it was rainy and while I watched to playwriting, I used my froggy umbrella (the umbrella that has eyes and a face)...and everyone kept looking at me, smiling and what not. B and G men stopped to say they liked my umbrella. The ladies in Down the Road thought it was adorable. My umbrella is now a star. But what about me? I'm trying to tackle my stardom in my play. Scene 2 in playwriting today...the peanut gallery was confused about it. They say Braden sounds too unreal (that made me laugh outloud) but the relationship between Johnny and Alex is great. The group agrees, they kept asking who was real? Was Braden real? Yes, I replied...oh I know, he's real. It looks like I have to establish rules for my play, I have to understand what's going on...because I know what's going on, but does everyone else? My playwriting teacher also noted that pedophiles don't deserve awards and recognition. Woody Allen, Roman Polanski...they don't deserve to be artists. Technically, I am a pedophile...so what does that mean? He liked my play though...so does that mean Dominic Taylor is a hypocrite?
Interesting weekend coming up. On Friday night I get to see Peter, and yes the last few times I've spoken to him he's been high and drunk (it looks like he's going downhill) but he claims he's still in love with me. Is he in love with me or is the alcohol in love with me?
Saturday at 1300 I am having lunch with Alex. He's been hinting at that maybe we should hook up again...though I don't think it's a good idea. I have thought of Alex as strictly a friend, nothing more...and I think I'm going to stay away from hooking up with those pro-war types...sex with America, it's not my thing.
Friday, spring break...thank God!

Getaway

What to say? My Boston trip was grand (except for the forty dollar parking ticket I received this morning...thanks city of Boston!) and I had a lovely time with Catherine. We made tacos mmm...and saw Alan, Diana and Alan's gf Kelly. It was just a really nice time to get away from Bard, moderation...(ugg, I need someone to hold my hand through this)...and other such bard stupidity. On our trip to Boston, we drove through Red Hook and there was a pro war demostration going on...kids with flags cheering, flags everywhere...I didn't know what to think. Dave and I played my anti war mix, what was playing I don't remember...and drove through trying not to make eye contact with anyone. Just like Michael Moore stood up and defied America tonight...I feel like I should be like him, he knows what's going on, he's trying to change something. What am I doing? I'm sitting here in this room wasting away. And I'll contine to waste away until it's too late and I remain a pile of crud on the ground that some Republican will sweep under the rug.
I will not turn into crud!

Sometimes you Forget...

Day three of "Operation Iraqi Freedom." I watched a little green lights on black sky action in the campus center today on my walk. It just looks like the Atari my father had when I was little...except a lot more severe. If what the TV is saying is true (and I doubt it), we're kicking some Iraqi ass. What do you say to that? Yay, we're killing innocent people? Yay, we're winning a stupid and illegal war? There really isn't anything to be excited about.
Since I've been here at Bard, everyone's pretty much anti-war...except for that random straggler, pro-war people are like the jocks at bard, they just don't belong.
I was looking through people's away messages a few days ago and some peoples were "May God bless our president as he takes us into the right decision..." I mean, I dont remember what they said, but they were PRO WAR, that's what they are. I began to get sick to my stomach. People, actually...think war is a good idea? According to a stupid poll 65% think it's a good idea. Sometimes you forget that outside Bard, people are cheering this war. At the diner last night, our waitress had a "USA" pin on. It frightens me how people can be so into this war thing. It just makes me sick.
I could rant my war beliefs, but why? I don't really want to. You've heard it all before.
Anyway, going to Boston this weekend and all...that should be a good time. It's just been such a long week. I gotta nap or something before I freak out.

Twenty-Four Hours till My Country Turns into a pile of Shit

It's war time here in America, and what can I say but I am frightened. This weekend has been full of ups and downs. The weather has been beautiful but I have a paper due Friday. I'm going to see Catherine in Boston on Saturday but gas prices are fucking rediculous. Prof. Sanborn is going to be on my moderation board but my headphones broke. And we're going to war. So I would have to say that this week is going to be worse before it gets better.
I have also realized that I am riding on a time machine back to the days of yore, where I was quite a little make out slut. The men of my past are waiting in line and the reason can be only for one thing. Why is this happening? Men of my past, why are you asking for sex? Do you think I'm easy? Do you think that I am willing, lonely and frightened by the chance of (gasp) a new man? This is the question I can't answer. As for right now, I am happy concentrating on moderating before pleasure. If I don't moderate, I dont get to think about my future and if I don't think about my future, I'll end up...oh who knows where I'll end up.
Anyway, 24 hours till my country turns its back on the world. How do I feel to be America right now? Not that good...but I just pray it ends soon. Prayer...wow...haven't thought about God for a while. But as long as Bush believes God's on HIS side...maybe I don't want to believe anymore.

My Big Fat Greek...

Watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding makes me realize that I can find someone too. I realized that although last weekend was fun...I really need to concentrate on finding a permanent fixture and not just relying on the past to deal me up some favors. Although the past has been coming alive the past few days.
Enter Peter Sainz...the seventeen year old stealer of my youth. I have always loved Peter, though not the most intelligent person...(he spelled warrant "w-a-r-e-n-t"...) there was always something about him that seemed to fit. Indeed, he drinks far too much and smokes too much for a seventeen year old...but his Darien charms were somehow always to be trusted. I believe he's the only guy to have truly loved me. He told me to call him over spring break...and I most likely will. If I'm going to self-analyze myself, I might as well say it's because I want to be loved and to be with someone who I know loves me. Blake, yes was a treat...but he has no feelings towards me...he's still in love with that other girl...so why waste my time looking for love when there's a boy at home who already loves me and has for two years?
I don't know what I'm getting at...I should always be looking...because it's important. I just think it would fit into my grand life scheme, the new Emily...the more mature nerdish girl.
I drank a whole two liter bottle of Diet Coke with Lemon and I feel, awful...my stomach just feels sour. Though I'm sure having that birthday cake (even though it was no one's birthday) and three glasses of whole milk were just great for it.
Tomorrow will be my day to write my paper and finish my play. My ending, is the shit. The more I think about it, the more I get giddy.
"He's dead, isn't he?"
"How did you?"
"Answer my question, he's dead...isn't he?"
"....yes, he's dead."

Freedom Fries, Philosopher Kings, and Nerdom

It's been a few days since I have written in my blog, but alas nothing writable has happened in my life. My happiness has faded though, and my sleep cycle is back to regular thank God. I am back to the Emily you saw and know pre night of passion. The only thing good that has happened to me these past few days has been Sean visiting (we had a good time...doubling the beef and what not) and figuring out the end of my play! Note: Alex goes crazy...but that's all I'm going to tell you for now.
As for the other things, some things have been bothering me.
I realized that I must accept my nerdom. I read all the Akira books (mmm Akira)...and then while at the diner, I saw the 'teen girl squad' from homestarrunner.com walk by...Cheerleader, so and so, what's her face, the ugly one! Everyone at the table laughed so loud. So I accept my nerdom...I like mst3k...I loved all of Akira (though 15 year old boys should NOT be getting their school nurses pregnant or hitting on 20 something revolutionaries) and with my nerd glasses, me and my fellow nerds will rise up and rule the world...maybe
I was reading the "New Yorker" during my break in playwriting today and I game across a blurb for Leon's American Symphony Orchestra gala at Lincoln Center. "Leon Botstein, the director of the ACO and PHILOSOPHER KING" I almost dropped my magazine and let out a shreek causing the class to look at me in a strange way. Leon is NOT a philosopher king! Who in the New Yorker would write that awful remark??? Leon, as all of you know, hates me...and having a philosopher king hate me is just...weird. Plato is rolling over in his grave, tomb, ditch whatever right now!
Since we're on the idea of "shock and awe"...The capital lunchroom in DC has now changed its menu to include instead of french toast and french fries, "Freedom toast and Freedom fries." What the hell? This is just like during WW1 when we renamed everything German into "liberty"...do you think the French even fuckin care that we renamed French toast "freedom toast?" We're not even at war with them. An article in MSN's "Slate" says this:
"If chauvinistic warmongers want to start renaming stuff, it should be Iraqi stuff. There’s probably not much point in going after Iraqi food such as masgoof (barbecued fish) and pacha (sort of an Iraqi haggis) because Americans don’t eat them. A better idea would be to tear out every page in the Bible that features an Iraqi place name, such as Babylon, Babel, the Garden of Eden, Nineveh, and Ur. The Christian right will object, but we all have to make sacrifices during wartime."
We're going to war people...and in five days too. How do I feel about it? Ehhh...I am pissed but nothing can be done now.
What does the weekend hold for Emily? Oh yeah, sitting in the library reading "Classical Quarterlys" from 1971 thinking about how last weekend was so much better than this weekend.

The Happiest Girl in New York

I am running on two hours of sleep but yet, I am utterly and rediculously awake. I even walked to my fencing meet, dancing. Why, might you ask...why would I be, (gasp) giddy? It's been so long since I couldn't stop smiling or the last time I spent the whole night in bed with someone. I must admit, I have to be the happiest girl in New York.
It was a question Blake asked me at 6AM, when the sun was just starting to peak through the shades. "Are you happy?" Happy...I haven't been happy in a long time. But yet, somehow this made everything disappear. So what if Braden had Abby! So what if Jesse ruined our plans for spring break! So what if Vic the Prick hooked up with Porter! I was happy. Months of sexual tension, months of loneliness...all slipped by in a matter of seconds. It was back to myself, back to the non bitter and happy go luck Emily Sauter.
I am the happiest girl at Bard, happiest girl in Upstate New York, happiest girl in New York. And I have one guy to thank for all of this.
I'll spare the details of my night of passion...because I want to be tasteful (though I will say this, it was...incredible). And yes, I realize that Blake went back to Boston...which makes me a tad sad, but I can't make him stay at Bard (though i wish i could)...but I accept it. That's life, right? But I am happy...nothing could destroy my good mood. So what if I'm not with Blake...I do care about him very much so, but he's in Boston...and Boston and Bard are not as close as you could think. That's life...
Anyway, I also won two out of the three bouts for the Marist/Bard meet.
Man, why can't everyday be as stimulating and wonderful as today!

Rerun: An Emily Clip Show

I thought that in honor of something, I would give you guys a clip show of my favorite and not so favorite memories of last year. I got the idea after I had a dream about Braden. Just waking up after that dream made me remember "two nerds in love"...I thought I had gotten over Braden but when you have sex with someone in a church pew...maybe you really aren't. Anyway, enjoy the clip show.

4/10/02
well today, thanks to Dave 3 (he's the best), i am now sharing my thoughts with the world. How scary is that? I don't think anyone wants to get inside my head (including me) because it's just too scary in there i tell you what. The only thing i am going to say is that my grammar and spelling are at a 5th grade level so, don't yell at me when a stupid comma is out of place or I misspell words like "Sain" okay?

4/18/02
It can only be described in one phrase, "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets..."
So Ross' sister and friend, Blake, come to visit for a day or two. And hey, Blake is kind of attractive...
In the words i speak of when i speak of Johnny Garrison: "things happen."
Things happen under trees in the middle of a field in the middle of a thunderstorm with lightning and thunder and a blood red moon. Things happens...

4/24/02
So tonight was...awesome! All my friends and I gathered in the dormroom and took pictures...scary pictures, of us. If you go to my profile and go to my photo album, you can see them. They are nuts! There are a lot of me lookin' my hottest.

4/28/02
Todd had sex three times this morning...

5/5/02
I got into a car crash and, since i wasn't wearing a seat belt...i was bounced around like a Mexican Jumping Bean and landed on the floor of my friend's van with a concussion and a nose full of blood. I got to ride in an ambulance to the hospital (where the EMT did NOT hit on me) and they just pumped me full of painkillers and sent me on the merry way. The "Colonel..." (that's Ross' car) well...she's wounded seriously and might "be sent out to sea soon" says Ross...which is sad, because she was trooper and she saved my life.

5/16/02
Emily Wars! Episode 1: Attack of the West Point Cadets!

6/6/03
A bunch of kids in Cooper City, Florida think that I am their friend Chris and IM me all the time...I don't respond...i mean, i could...get into their little world and screw around with their lives, but I've got morals...so I just dont say anything, let them IM me over and over...and laugh everytime i get one...maybe one day I'll say something to throw them off but for now...I stay silent. Ha! I just got another one...

8/24/02
I'd just like to thank Kevin and Doreen O'Leary...for having such a nice big comfy bed, with lots of pillows...
I was a big fan...
THANKS AGAIN!

love,
Emily S. Sauter

8/29/02
Emily,
We arrived here this afternoon. Topsy-turvy weather. Everything is fine so far. Hope everything is OK with you. We have plenty of hikes to do over the week. You might like the wildernees, it sure is different than Harvard Love, Pete

10/03/02
"You've achieved infamy as a sophomore" were the words that were uttered from Dave Shein's mouth, the dean of students...


10/15/02
So Alex Raggio...in my rage I say that I will NEVER talk to you again, because you dont deserve it...and I feel that now my revenge on Johnny stems to you too...oh, you can laugh at that...and tell me I'm stupid because I can live in this rose colored world, but Alex, you are the true problem to my existence...I can't stand the way you have threatened me, taken advantage of me...how cruel and low can you be? So, if you ever read this...fuck you, and I hope you live a poor and miserable life in your crappy Indiana world...

10/27/02
I forgot to mention that Dave 1's house was a nostalgia factory...Winnie the Pooh tapes, old Jetson movie glasses, Boy scout popcorn tins!

11/17/02
Then someone suggests a game of "Never have I ever"
Although I don't remember the complete night...I remember a lot more than I probably should. Like how Jesse wears Black boxer Briefs and the ages everyone started masturbating...I hardly know the people Jesse lives with and yet, I know when they started wacking off. We live in a great age

11/24/03
I drew a picture of Braden in my journal today...looking innocent as always with the caption: "This could get messy"

12/10/02
So here I am in the suite!
Ross is telling me that I need to jump Braden...
just wait until Friday...
God I hope he doesn't read this

Anyway, enough clips...you all know what happened after THAT party anyway...Hope you enjoyed the rerun. And I promise new episodes in the future.

They Say it's your birthday...

Happy birthday to me. I watched myself turn 20. We were learning about the burning of persepolis by a drunk Alexander the Great when 1145 AM hit. I remember when I turned 10. I was watching myself turn 10 in the Hindley Elementary lunchroom. The janitor asked me why I kept staring at the clock. I told him I was watching myself turn 10. It's strange, watching yourself turn a certain age. Now I am not a teenager. But it doesn't matter. 365 more days till 21 baby.
Last night I was an American. I showed my patriotic duty as a citizen with the only way I knew how, by voting on a reality TV show. Kevin, Catherine, and I spent my birthday celebration watching Fox's new laugh, "Married by America." I could not see any of these singles married and living in the suburbs with kids. They all owned restaurants, drank heavily, talked in cliches to impress some girl's parents. Kevin, Catherine, and I dismissed the show as pure crap though the other show we were watching "Real World/Road Rules Battle of the Sexes" was not so quality either. Reality TV...there's something very American about it. Like Andy Warhol said, "everyone gets 15 minutes of fame." Every channel's got something. On Fox, you can embarrass yourself either as a slut on Married by America, or have Simon the wanker make fun of you. On ABC, you could get put on one of their lame dating shows that makes women fight over some loser (the first bachelor graduated from my town in 1987 and was 1st in the class...now drives a porsche with the license plate StanMBA...just to tell everyone he went to Stanford...sounds pretty Fairfield county to me) what about NBC...how about eating Horse rectum or throwing yourself off a bridge? And CBS, just for classic survivor. It's sad, we call Survivor "classic." I was addicted though, like every other American. Man, I just wanted Rich to put on some damn pants.
TV is not all bad now. Two shows I would highly recommend are on on the same time on Sunday nights. E!'s "Michael Esseny Show" is hilarious. Nothing beats giving a Middle American high school student from Indiana his own talk show. His Bill Clinton impression was pretty amazing. And he gets stars on his show too!! Like Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child, Tom Green! And his mom is the set manager, his nerdy best friend the funny sidekick, the set is the living room. It's genius!
The other show that's hilarious is MTV's "Clone High." What a good show. The story is in the 80's the government cloned all the most famous people in the world and now they are of high school age and going through the trauma of high school. You got Abe Lincoln, his best friend Ghandi, Joan of Arc (who looooves Abe) Cleopatra, who's a major slut, JFK who is also a slut...and many many more. The show is just so funny. Ghandi being a rapper called "G-spot"...I mean, come on..that's genius!
I miss TV...there is nothing better than the tube. Damn you bard for having no tv.
Anyway, tonight's hamburger helper...cake...the usual weekly food for me and Jesse. Time to eat!!
Happy Birthday ME!

Vic the Prick

What happened tonight, for the record, was not cool. Emily's life is full of trivial facts, full of bad emotions, sour details. I do not deserve what I get in life. This is a well known fact...Braden found a lady friend. I accepted it. Jesse went to Ithaca instead of going to Alabama, I accepted. But acception of these following events will be unruly to handle, and I didn't deserve this.
I met Vic on Hot or Not...he seemed nice, Alex said "harmless" and I believed him. I fucking believed him.
keep in mind that it now 3:23 AM and I am not quite sober. So I drove to poughkeepsie and picked him up. He was a West Point guy, but I thought third time's the charm right? Wrong, dead wrong.
I am depressed by my lack to find the right man. He must be out there, swimming among the millions of losers in the world, just waiting. He must be out there, climbing up to look up high, looking for me. I saw potential in the beer drinking liberal...I saw potential, I put faith in it. Faith is a word I hadn't used in a while. I had faith in me and Braden, and looked where that ended up. He has Abby now, insecure now...still unchanged, but happier I'm sure. But I had faith in Vic too...I had faith in something that could be good at least. Until he hooked up with Porter, my roommate.
I don't blame Porter. The blame rests on him and only on him. You don't come to visit someone and end up hooking up with their roommate who is also their close friend. What kind of sick fuck do you have to be to be such an asshole?
Where's faith in my life now? It's floating down the Hudson River, past West Point and out to the ocean...never to be seen again.
I'm sorry to be so flowery but I can't help it. It's my birthday you know...this was my party...and I guess I can cry if I want to. And I have. I wept and Porter wept too on the phone while she told me she loved me and I said I loved her too. I'm not letting my roommate and I fight because of some loser West Point cadet who's an asshole and a prick. Vic the Prick. Porter would chime it out because it sounded good. And I said he wasn't. But he was.
Life couldn't get any worse for me right now. It's been so long since a guy hasn't lied to me, has cared about me. And who am I to believe now?
If you're reading this Vic...I'm sorry I wasted so much time on you, you pathetic west point bastard, just like the rest of them.
Miss Emily's gone...