I swear, there is a bird that sounds exactly like the Keene North fire drill and it keeps throwing me off guard...I hear it and want to run out the door...
The Batman movie was on AMC this morning...I thought of Jesse...
"He's swallowed the catbait...and now he'll be bat bait! (evil laugh)" -Riddler

I got a messege today on my answering machine from the Darien Community Association who give me scholarship for school...and the woman on the phone was like, "you're such a great person, we were so impressed w/ your drive and ambition...etc" I feel great now. They told me they hope to help me all four years of college because i 'deserve it'...I dont why, but old people love me...

Today I took the dog for a walk and we passed the elementary school and they were having field day. It brought me back to all of that when I was 6. The tug of war, the relay races, the parachute...the popsicles....

"You make me feel...you make me feel like a natural woman..."
Oh I miss Bard...I miss talking to people about homestar runner...I miss nathalie...I miss Ross, dave 1, jesse, jeremy, even finkel!
Time for the dentist.

Final thought: yesterday i past planned parenthood and the anti abortion people were there...i really wanted to throw something at them...

Word of the day: Motive....

Back to my old inquisitive self again, listening to Britten's War Requiem, locking myself in my room...looking for something to maybe attach myself to creatively, because I haven't painted or written anything in a while. Maybe another collage is in order...those are always so much fun.

Today was a neverending array of chores for my mother...and the evil nurse pricked me with a needle and i bled. Tomorrow's the dentist. How i loathe the dentist!

I was watching the Music Man tonight and I have "Gary, Indiana" stuck in my head. That brought back the flood of Indiana memories.
Someone told me that when a company or the governement wants to take a survey of "Real American People" they go to Muncie, Indiana...
That makes sense to me.

I got a raise yesterday...that was pretty coool...8.50 an hour now...sweeeet.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the dentist, sit on my ass and watch documentaries...with Cheez it Party mix in hand. Summer is, pretty sweet. Hopefully everything is going to be okay in the world. I hope...

Random note of the day: I love having the fathers of kids I have hooked up with come into the pharmacy and ask for their drugs. In my brain I am screaming, "Your son...I have violated him...your genetic code is swimming in my mouth..." the thrill is I get to pretend I have NO IDEA who they are...and the bigger thrill is that they have no idea who I am, they have no idea that their offspring and I had "relations"..from Olsen to Sainz to Donegan...I've done it all.
"All right Mrs. Sainz...what's your address?"
Inside my brain I'm chanting 20 Colony Road...20 Colony Road...20 Colony Road.
And when she finally says "20 Colony Road..." I act suprised.
It's the great acting lesson that is life.

a following up to my accusations that men are scum...
They say nice guys finish last, but in all my years...I have never met this fabled "nice guy" because he doesn't exist...
Think about it.

so it's true...
men really are scum

There has been nothing but work for a while now...everyone keeps asking me what I want to do when I grow up...why, the mystery...
I have started to tell them "defense" because it sounds good...defense, military intelligence...without joining that sordid game of the uniforms and boot camp...
Yes, I get looks from the response but then i justify it, "Maybe take it down from the inside" and i tap my nose gently on its side and they laugh..."Everybody has a good laugh"
Maybe I will be a mistress of world power...Alex says no but when did I ever care what Alex says about me? Or maybe, the better question is, "When will I stop caring about what Alex says to me?" and start caring about what I think...It's time I start taking orders from myself and not some cornfed Muncie soldier

John and I found the hills of Bedford quite beautiful, even in the fog. He's a good boy...

I'm thinking about direction in my life. I don't really have any. I just float...

I hate this feeling of being lost. Maybe i should stop complaining and tell you what I did today you pathetic freaks that actually want to know what's goin on inside my head. I watched a parade...saw tony danza sing about 9/11 on TV (scary) and lay on the beach with a few guys talking about things...i dont know what the things were about...

I haven't written anything since I've been back...just stared at the TV with a fudgesicle watching documentaries...all day long. I think I want to be Jackie O. without Frank Sinatra and my husband being shot. I want to be married into a cursed family with promise...a name I can tack on to Emily and feel superior...just wait till I go down in US history...America, especially right now...could use a fine moral woman to step and create wonderful power in its midst.

Dreams Emily...just dreams...when you're thirty, you'll be the mistress of world power in some town in Indiana...married to a man who drives a pick up truck.


"we're going to need a bigger boat"

I have the sudden urge for power...
I have the idea that when i grow up (assuming if i ever grow up) I want some part of the world to see me as a higher figure. I found in my journal an entry dated from late november of last year. And in this journal entry it says, "Alex, if he says what he says he is...could be a major world power someday...and I could use that to my advantage...ride the coattails to power..." Then i mention how crooked that is, using someone for their power. I always pictured myself a silent voice behind a political machine...and aristocracy...something worth my while...
Maybe this is the Napoleon in me speaking...or just the voice of common sense