This is what happens when Emily is bored:


The Colloquial dreamboat
I’ve been reading Hemingway now for a while. I’m onto one of the Nick Adams stories; the one where the Indian husband cuts his throat open. Hemingway has a way of making his characters seem so one dimensional but also three dimensional at the same time. How he did that, I guess through experience. Experience makes the literal world go round so the Fates tell me. They tell me to tell the story of my life.
“But…my life is a Hemingway story…a one dimensional cubicle in an endless 9-5 job you hate. It’s claptrap; it’s a movie with an edge that no one gets. It’s a dark comedy that’s not funny.”
Destiny is one thing I don’t believe in. I’m not destined for great things if I explain my life to a screen. It’s not the way life works. Maybe for the lucky ones, but certainly not for me and certainly not ever.
So Hemingway, with your Biblical type story telling, I guess I should emulate your parables. After all, your life was war and big game shooting. And my life is of the Unknown Soldier.
It’s the simple “Johnny goes to Stockholm” kind of story. We find a man we hate and fall in love with him.
Johnny goes to Stockholm
Waste your cares away in Stockholm!
Revenge, murder, and decadence…we see it here in Stockholm!
You!
American boy!
Don’t be shy…step up to bat here in blissful Stockholm!
We are Stockholm!
I have a feeling you’ll be staying here for a long time.
Johnny gets revenge
American boy in big city seeks fortune.
But not in Stockholm…the city of dreams
But in America…the militaristic ballistic land of opportunity
Shoulder a rifle American boy
And destroy Stockholm!
One shot through the head is the American cure,
It’s what we Americans do best.
And you American boy…
You’re the best of the best

This weekend was amazing...

The weekend was complete when I turned on the TV and Rookie of the Year AND Angels in the Outfield were on at the SAME TIME! Talk about your ultimate good luck!
But the real treat was seeing Jon Stewart at the Beacon Theater last night. He actually made fun of my town.
Here was the joke:
"White kids always try to pretend they're black. 'What up? This shit is dope man!' And they have no environmental background to talk like this! I mean, come on! You're from Darien! Talking like that is about as natural as talking like a pirate. 'Hey how was the party last night?' "Arrrrrrr!'" - Jon Stewart
I feel so proud to part of my town.
I just finished my 2nd collage on American life. It's called "Life Goes On" after the ending statement of a Time magazine i was dismantling. It's just a lot of pictures of Dubya being an ass and a lot of pictures of the evil military forces. Im thinking of taking a few pictures of it and putting it on my website...it's pretty cool.
Well, i have to paper to write...and a lasagna to bake...and a house to clean...and a life to organize!

I'm in my safe realm of home...it's good to have a safe zone...

Tonight I dont think i can really do anything with anyone...I have work to do. And I'm wrestling with what I should have for dinner...Life should be good when all you're worried about is what you're going to have for dinner. I think i might pop over to the grocery store to buy an individual boboli pizza. That sounds pretty sweet about now.
Sean has a girlfriend and I'm proud of him. He's been waiting so long for anything to happen and now it is. And bravo Sean, may your sexual adventures be exciting and stimulating.
As for me, the entire male gender is on my shitlist at least till i meet one that doesn't stash drunk pictures of me on his computer or doesn't value the Civil War more than me.
I'm thinking this could be a while...

Enough about Alex...like I said, I'm never talking to him so alas, I hope to not bore you with talking about him anymore...
So on to the next asshole!

I was reading through my saved email...and I have a folder of John's emails...It's pretty pathetic we dont talk anymore, considering he always told me he loved me and all, but I guess I have to understand where he's coming from...or not. John was prone to take advantage of me too...though it took me three years to see that and he didn't take any pictures. John's almost as bad as Alex because he strung me along...I always trusted him (why i dont know) but I did, and now it seems his early decision to Yale is center stage or his younger women, or whatever tickles his fancy. But Emily has gone out of his mind I guess...and so be it. I cannot change his ways, and would I want to? No...
Alas another confidante drowned...

I have also decided not to go to drag race this year for reasons stated below. I don't think i can trust myself enough this year to go to a room full of debauchery. So, I'm going to a pumpkin festival instead. To be honest, I would rather go to the pumpkin festival anyway. So I bid all drag racers a fond and fun drag race without me...I'm sure not to be missed.

If you only knew the feelings that are pulsating through my brain...

I fucking hate the world right now...for being so low, dirty, and perverse...Tonight Alex sent me pictures of the New Years Eve party...where what really happened that night took place. there's one picture that made me as mad as I am now. There's a picture of Alex...and he's on top of me while i'm piss ass drunk and he's taking advantage of me and someone took a picture of it! HOW FUCKING SICK DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THAT!
So Alex Raggio...in my rage I say that I will NEVER talk to you again, because you dont deserve it...and I feel that now my revenge on Johnny stems to you too...oh, you can laugh at that...and tell me I'm stupid because I can live in this rose colored world, but Alex, you are the true problem to my existence...I can't stand the way you have threatened me, taken advantage of me...how cruel and low can you be? So, if you ever read this...fuck you, and I hope you live a poor and miserable life in your crappy Indiana world...
You, reader of my journal...cannot know what it's like to be mentally raped...what can i do now but fear life again? Bard sure isn't the safe haven i took it for last year, rather a place where the rage can be heightened into nights of crying myself to sleep. I am not sure why I am telling the world this, but I am telling you all to beware...because I will not take the shit people have been spoon feeding me since i was ten...I am not the pushover that was stepped on in high school...

Emily's mad...

ever feel like something bad is going to happen to you?

Today I wasted away my life...I listened to classical music and read about Nam flashbacks and then watched Porn n' Chicken...I do feel pathetic...but when haven't I? I mean, isn't that my goal?

I have decided to turn my book into an "American" non-fiction, fiction frenzy...because I want to experiment into my realm of dark comedy...pretty sad...but I really want to try my hand at it. I think i could do something good with it.
I don't really feel good...something is wrong with me. I am trying to change myself again...which is bad. Nothing is worse than trying to change yourself.
We could do something good...but i should stop changing myself...
wow, i really dont have anything constructive to say.

I am at home...

Today I got a letter from Peter for the first time in a month...his letter seemed to be a reply of how sorry he felt that he hadn't written but at the same time it seems that the Civil War means more to him. He is a rookie at this and I certainly am not so I shouldn't make haste to make him see that you cannot ignore the woman you supposedly love.
My therapist solved my West Point crisis.
"Why" she asked me, "Do you go to West Point when you are obviously scared of it...you should respect your fear and not force yourself to go their constantly?"
I should respect my fear of West Point...and so I will attend the seminar the first time, but magically "feel ill" the second time...yes, lying would not be good to Bill Mullen, but it would save me the fears of going back to that wretched place. West Point is one of my biggest fears...though I can't explain why, Dr. Crane told me it was because I am not accustomed to the institution and therefore feel out of place. If something happens where I want to go back I shall, but as for now...I would rather stay away from that place for good than to press my fears by entering it again and again only to be more frightened.
Off to read Moby Dick...if you don't mind.